Published June 10, 2011
"Push, Mrs. Anderson, push!" The doctor told the women giving birth.
The women screamed and squeezed her husband's hand so hard that he yelled in pain.
"I see the head, your doing great." the doctor tried to encourage. "Just one more push."
Mrs. Anderson pushed and the baby came into the world. The baby girl opened her ice clear blue eyes, but never cried. The doctor lifted her up and was about to spank her to get her to cry, when he clutched at his throat. One of the nurses took the baby while the others tried to help the doctor. The nurse took the baby to get cleaned off, she was sure the doctor would be alright, some of the best nurses in the hospital were in that room. That wasn't the case.
"We have an emergency in the delivery room!" a nurse yelled into the intercom. "We need to get Dr. Tyndall in to the E.R. stat!"
As two men came in with a stretcher and took the doctor away, Mrs Anderson started to panic.
"What's going on? Where is my baby?" She cried. Her husband tried console her but she just panicked more.
The nurse came out with a little pink bundle after everyone else had cleared out.
"You don't have to worry, she's right here." The nurse said.
"Thank you so much!" the woman said relieved.
It wasn't long before she realized that something was wrong.
"I never heard her cry, is that really bad?"
"Well, it turns out that she's mute, she can hear, but she will never be able to speak." the nurse said apologetically.
"Oh no!" Mr. Anderson said.
"It will be alright, she's perfectly fine." Mrs. Anderson glared at her husband.
"She can lead a normal life, you'll just have to be patient with her." the nurse explained.
"We will be plenty patient with her." Mrs. Anderson said.
She held the baby close to her and uncovered her baby's face. The baby opened her eyes and looked up at her mother, she had very intelligent eyes. Her eyes drooped and her lips stretched into a silent yawn, and quickly fell asleep. Mrs. Anderson looked at the clock, Ten o'clock pm, November sixteenth, I'll always remember this day.
"Well, what are you going to name her?" the nurse asked, the birth certificate in hand.
Mrs. Anderson looked at her baby, she had decided to name her Mary, but as she looked at her, she thought of somehting else.
"I think I'll name her Diamond, because her eyes look like little diamonds." she smiled.
"She does have very pretty eyes." the nurse said, writing it down.
"Diamond." Mr. Anderson said looking at his daughter.
They all looked up as the nurse who had taken the doctor away came into the room breathless.
"Monica? What is it?" the nurse who had stayed asked.
"It's the doctor," Monica said huffing, "He's dead, we called it at ten o'clock pm."
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Very interesting. I do agree with the other reviewers about the spacing of a particular word. Variety is the spice of life and all that. Basically the advice already given here is really great. Definitely do research. You might find out something you never thought about.
I find that I'm curious as to why the doctor died. very odd. I hope you'll continue the story?
Uh.... more?
Wow, this scene definitely makes me want to flip the page! (I tried, but it doesn't seem to work on a message board. Hm.) I love starting with prologues, and this one is brief enough and gripping enough to encourage reading to the next chapter. One thing I noticed in particular that I think could really strengthen this scene is the dialogue. The hospital facts feel genuine, like things that would actually happen, but the individual characters' dialogue -- the way the characters responded and what they chose to say (and how they said it) -- didn't feel quite real to me. One thing I'd recommend is analyzing each individual character, almost role-playing each one, to explore their thoughts, words, and reactions in their given role. Stepping into their shoes for a moment always helps me in creating strong and convincing scenes for my characters. Overall though, I definitely think this is a good start to a promising story!
-Andrea
I like it overall, it seems like a very interesting story, and the title is top-notch!
I wouldn't mind at all reading more, but just a few helpful hints to help you polish it off:
There are a few instances where you get a little repetitive with words. Like here:
And here:
Don't keep on using the word "baby" or "eyes" or whatever you keep doing. Ideally, you should never use the same word for the subject in two sentences next to each other. If the subject in sentence one is "baby" use a different word for the next sentence, or just say 'she' or something like that. Just to help spice up the language a bit
Also, at times it feels like the sentences are dragging on because there's a lot of narration and not much description. As opposed to just telling us about what's going on, let the characters and the environment talk for you. Don't tell us that the nurses took the doctor away, show us exactly what they did. Their movements, their emotions, use lots of verbs and adjectives. When you feel like you're giving too much description, it's probably just enough. That's a tip that always helped me out. And don't worry, it's a thing that'll come with practice.
Also, I think the doctor dying is an interesting element, and I'm sure it's connected to the story somehow, but the HOW is what I'm confused about. I mean, he basically looked at the baby, and then just up and died. If there was some sort of interaction between them just before it, or if some sort of event happened, then it might make a little more sense. Right now it seems just like a coincidence. Just might want to take another look at it is all
Overall, good stuff, and I'm sure you can go very far with it. A little polish, and you'll have a real top-gear kind of story here.
- SOCKS
Very good!!! I can't wait to read more! You should definetly continue!
Alright, let's see here. Good start, I like how this fits in very well with your first chapter (I read that before the prologue). However, the birth is very fast; some more details please! The way the nurse tells the mother that her daughter is deaf is way too abrupt, as is the mother's response. Draw out the husband's consolation.... The mother should have an intense reaction. Imagine if you just had a child, and discovered she would never talk. Never say "mama" or "da-da", never sing or tell you stories. The mother should be shocked, upset, furious, sad, scared, etc... I recommend actually going to a hospital to talk to doctors about how they tell whether children are mute. You will find that if you mention the fact that you're a writer, they may let you do some things people normally wouldn't. The doctor's ability to tell of the child's muteness is a little unbelievable. Also, watch the commas and semicolons. Don't get them mixed up! Overall, a good setup for a story. Keep it up, and make sure to do your research as this will take some medical information!
That story was very captivating! From the beginning, it immediately captured my attention. I could not stop reading and now I can't stop waiting. You have to write the next part soon cause I'll be waiting. The grammar was great, the story flow was excellent, and overall the story so far is amazing. Keep up the good work!
Oh wow! I love the fact that the story starts with a life and a death at the same time! I just have one small question: How does the nurse know that Diamond was a mute? I'm not a hospital expert so I wouldn't know. But it was still a very good start. It will be hard to wait for the next one!
Huh this is very interesting! I like how it's different from other stories I've read. The fact that the doctor dies leaves plenty of mystery to what the baby did to him.
Just a couple of things to point out:
The birth seemed too...quick. You might want to describe it more. Remember you're writing a novel, and description is extremely important so the readers can feel like they're in the moment with the characters.
Try to describe the moment something goes wrong with the doctor more, it seemed like he was going to spank her (why? seems a bit odd for a doctor to spank her just to make her cry) and then all of a sudden he clenched his neck and the world was falling apart. I feel like something was missing.
Other than that, this is a great set up for a very interesting story. I'm curious to see what happens next
Keep on writing!
<3 Sara.
Huh this is very interesting! I like how it's different from other stories I've read. The fact that the doctor dies leaves plenty of mystery to what the baby did to him.
Just a couple of things to point out:
The birth seemed too...quick. You might want to describe it more. Remember you're writing a novel, and description is extremely important so the readers can feel like they're in the moment with the characters.
Try to describe the moment something goes wrong with the doctor more, it seemed like he was going to spank her (why? seems a bit odd for a doctor to spank her just to make her cry) and then all of a sudden he clenched his neck and the world was falling apart. I feel like something was missing.
Other than that, this is a great set up for a very interesting story. I'm curious to see what happens next
Keep on writing!
<3 Sara.
It's a very good story, all in all. It's just not the thing that I normally would read. I love the plot, but I'm not the kind of reader to read hospital stories. Anyways, your writing was great. The wording was smooth and easy to understand, and your grammar is great, except for maybe one typo where the comma was accidentally replaced with a period. Either way, great, smooth writing. It kind of reminded me of a soap opera- and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Be proud of you work, you did great! I liked it, and I am not the kind of person who would normally read this type of story! Good job!
Very good, your wording was great. I suggest putting more detail in it, though. I also suggest, somewhere in there, adding what is happening to the doctor during this, like what they are doing to save him. Waiting for the next part of this will be hard, I look forward to seeing this story unfold. I would like to keep up with this story, but I don't get on very often, so could you e-mail me any updates on this? My e-mail is Logansawyer@hotmail.com. Overall I think it is really good, keep working on it.
Oh my god! Is the baby evil or something? That was a great read very differant from the ones I've read befor
And l loved the ending to the story, where the doctor ends up dead would love to see more of your work!