Alcohol

Hi Incog! Here as requested!

I haven't read any reviews, so I'm just going to shred this as I see fit.

The ringing sound of my open palm connecting to her flesh echoes through the hotel room,

"Ringing" bothered me here. It took me two reads of your opening sentence for me to understand what he was actually doing. "Ringing" also makes me think of metal on metal, or a bell being struck. This would be an interesting allusion/foil (the first thing that came to mind was a church bell. Which would be a very interesting foil for the alcoholic character) but that's not carried through. Either make the allusion, or rework this sentence so that it's clearer he's slapping her. The reason I say "rework" is because should you just replace "ringing" with "slapping" this sentence would become redundant in what it describes.

embedding it with silence

I do not understand how a slap can be silent. You may mean that she falls silent at his slap (ie- he was slapping her to be quiet) but at the moment why he is slapping her isn't clear. That needs to be cleared up not only for his rage to be understood (because “love” is right in the title of the contest, one assumes that we must be mostly siding with the MC) but for this line to make sense.

and she collapses to the ground, tears falling admonishingly, settling into the carpet below her.

~ I'd replace the "and" with a period. This sentence is already carrying a couple of ideas and adding on this many more makes it long. We also glaze over what she feels somewhat, since the sentence is beginning to drag.

~ When it comes to first person, one is forced to limit the vocabulary of the MC. I just can't picture a drunken guy saying (or thinking) "admonishingly."

~ Interesting tie-in to the last few paragraphs, when your MC does practically the same action as his wife but for different reasons. I like the foreshadowing this is. I’m just not so fond of the words used.

She weeps, she mutters,

~ "She weeps" feels repetitive since you just said she was crying in the sentence before.

~ “She mutters” I find fits. He wouldn’t exactly be hearing clearly, so what she’s saying (probably telling him to stop) should be glanced over like it is now.

and it angers me, it makes it impossible for me.

~ This is another sentence I'd like split at the "and." Although, this time, I'd like each section to be expanded as well. Spend more time describing the girl (is she on her back, side, curled up?) and spend more time describing the emotions here (maybe some hint to his rage, why it’s impossible, things like that).

~ The part after the comma here confuses me. You seem to switch the antecedent of "it" halfway though, which makes me wonder what he is talking about. I'm also unsure as to what action is "impossible" which adds to my confusion.

I kick her, the rage coming out in ways that it should not be happening, in ways that even makes me feel disgusted.

~ Because of how confused I am in the line before, the fact that he is this angry feels overdramatic. I realize that's the point of the story, since he is under the influence, but that brings me to another point: I don't know this guy is an alcoholic at this point. Yes, it leaves a sense of mystery, but at the same time I'm thinking the guy is really overdramatic. With no situation (ie- what made him mad) here, he seems like he's on a rage. I'm not sure how much I like that, since it makes me feel somewhat detached. I just can't feel what he's feeling. Should we have more of a hint at the source of his anger, we would be able to understand how he’s so mad. As we discover he’s drunk, then we realize it’s all blown out of proportion. But because we have a reason behind his anger, we can understand his actions more.

~ On the flip side, once I know he's an alcoholic, I like these lines. It shows how he's acting independently of himself, which opens an often-overlooked window in addictions. Reason I'd like to know he's an alcoholic earlier, so these lines have punch on read one.

Yet I kick her again, even more forcefully, yelling at her to get up, to stand on her feet.

But she doesn’t.

I really like these lines. They have a certain finality to them which makes this paragraph wrap up nicely. In fact, they wrap up the paragraph so nicely, I'd like to see a paragraph of flashback after this. It would put more currentness to the work, to alternate. between memory and current. Then it would show how his past shaped his future more clearly. We'd also get more context.

I’m not sure about how that would work, though, just because of how much I like the chunk of paragraphs in the middle in their own right. I do get confused at the end when it goes to flashback from current moment, however.

What I think you should do is make only one paragraph current and switch to the flashback right after. I’m wondering why he’s like that way too often after this paragraph until the flashback starts. Once I read this beginning over knowing he was an alcoholic, I found myself understanding it a lot more. Ask yourself if you want this story to be completely understandable on read one or read two. (Granted, the story does have enough to make most readers want to read it again, but ask yourself if you want to take that risk)

another bruise to match the other over her right eye.

I think you mean she has another black eye, but that's not clear. Where is this bruise?

My senses blur together, my vision wanders in and out of focus.

I like the hint here that he's not completely himself.

I can hear her ragged breathing, I can feel her trembling as I hold her,

If his senses are dulled, I'm wondering if he actually would hear and feel what she's doing. Maybe make it so he can distantly feel/hear her, so that it feels like we’re more inside his head.

and I can taste the bitterness of the words that will come inevitably, the words that will bring the same amount of pain as the physical abuse.

I'm not sure if he'd be aware he's causing her pain with the verbal abuse. Usually, people who lash out like that really believe what they're saying. And since he's got alcohol dulling his senses, I highly doubt he'd think this.

the anger coming in flashes of red.

Couple of nice details here. 1- Calling it "the anger." "The" labels it as a certain kind of anger, not just a general emotion. 2- the flashes of colour. I like that for some reason. (Probably because it's a literal twist on "seeing red")

her once unmarred beauty transfigured in her distress.

Again about the vocabulary. You're in first person, with somebody who's not thinking straight. Really work on toning down big words. I doubt even a really smart guy would be able to say/think them. (What I’m talking about here is “unmarred,” “transfigured” and “distress.” All three of them can be replaced with simpler words that would fit the mental state of the character)

and I stand there facing her

Either make this it's own sentence (replace the “and” with a period) or drop the "I." It would make the sentence flow better (also, if you drop the "I," which I believe is the better choice, the comma in front of the "and" should be dropped)

She would be able to smell the alcohol on my breath, she would notice my clumsy movements, but it is all the same.

This sentence feels too detached from the MC. It would fit in a third-person story, but not in a first person one. Try writing this so he breathes on her and stumbles towards her. While he was breathing he'd taste alcohol, and while he was walking he'd find it hard. This thread might help you from that perspective.

“You have been with him, you have slept with him, you slut.”

Nice reason for him to be attacking her. However, we're never told what tipped him off to his wife's (supposed) affair, nor is the affair brought up again. Later, after he's killed her, wouldn't he try to remember what had caused him to be so angry? And if, in hindsight, he saw that he'd been wrong, I think there'd be a new dimension to the story.

I growled, stepping towards her, staggering.

~ I'd replace "stepping" with "staggering" so it doesn't look like he's taking two steps.

~ "Growled" should be "growl" because this is present tense.

Her long straight golden hair falls around her.

Three adjectives in a row is too many. Cut at least one. (And "falls" can imply that her hair is long, so you can delete two: strait and long)

And she hides behind it, as the veil would be able to protect her from the cause of detriment before her.

~ I like the "and" here. It gives the sentence a disgusted tone.

~ I liked the allusions with "veil" here. It makes me think of a marriage veil. I’d go so far as to consider making that allusion in the work.

~ However, the last part of the sentence (after "from") again feels off for a first-person story. It's like he's speaking outside of himself when that really shouldn't be the case with first person.

And she still cries; that stupid, pathetic, infuriating cry.

~ I'm starting to put two and two together for why he's mad, but why her crying is infuriating him isn't clear. (Although I do understand that his logic is warped, so maybe it’s not supposed to be clear? I’d at least hint at what’s making him so mad)

~ I liked the use of "and" here again. Still hasn't lost its punch.

Adia is before me

I'm just quoting this line for the tense. I think the flashbacks would do much better (and the story would be less confusing overall) should they be in past tense.

But then she is gone, darkness surrounds me.

I found this a very abrupt switch. it took me a minute to register that all this stuff had happened for her to leave (I didn’t actually know why until I’d heard they’re married). I'd make it slower, showing her leaving the house, telling him she's going down that highway, that she'll only be gone for a few minutes, ect. Right now it looks like they've broken up and she was the one to end it, putting him in depression.

The droning of a news broadcast is the only thing I hear.

This is why I want the flashbacks in past tense. This line would work as a memory but not in what we believe to be the present. Usually, if the news is “droning” then it’s on for no reason and the character doing something else. They just have the news on for background noise.

What did that matter to me?

I like this. Shows he's detached from the current situation and acts as a hint to something that will matter later on.

Everything is so surreal in this pit of darkness. I can see nothing before me, absolutely nothing. But the news broadcast drones on, and then another comes, and then another, adding to this madness.

Another line that makes me think he's just broken up with her. Because of the present tense, we're not aware this is a flashback. Should this be described as a memory, the black void would make sense because that's how he remembers it. By making this a present moment, it looks like post-break-up depression.

I’m also wondering why he doesn’t turn the news off if it’s bothering him. Maybe have it that he tries to tune it out and when he can’t, he’s about to turn it off when he hears the story?

The words just started to blend together, quicken pace, until I just want to cover my ears. I didn’t want to listen anymore.

I love how he feels about the news, since I feel that way a lot of times. (But, usually, my parents are watching it so I have no control over when it gets turned on and off)

I felt the agony rise in side of me, tears falling down my cheeks. My Adia, my love, dead. The voices faded out and left me with agonizing silence.

"Agony" is repetitive here.

I feel the sharp pang of reality, of the brutality of it and I never want to see it again.

I would replace "and" with a period here. More punch on the reason he turned to alcohol.

the same alcohol which was the cause of the only thing in my life dying.

I'm not too fond of "the only thing in my life" because it doesn't ring as true to me. Does this guy have other friends, family, pets? Come to think of it, mentions of those are missing. Put those in please.

Back to the line. I'd make it "the love of my life" so that there's more room for other relationships.

it is that poison that is the only thing keeping me going. I need that poison; I need the beer, the brandy, the whiskey, the rum. They are the only things needed to keep me from becoming sober, to keep me from the sharp sorrow of the real world.

I'm not too fond of "poison" in here. It comes off as rather preachy for the damage of alcohol to people. Yes, it is damaging, but your MC isn't thinking about that at the moment. He's thinking about the good it does for his sanity, like making him forget. Switch the tone around so we see alcohol as good (temporarily).

I get glimpses in the moments when I was closest to sobriety, sometimes moments of a funeral, or a birthday, but the main one is a wedding, a mirror image of my first, but I face not Adia at the altar, but some other woman, a beautiful blonde twig of a woman, and I see her reassuring smile, the smile that is not Adia’s. The image disappears into the back of my mind, the drunkenness returning to me once more, covering everything in that sleepy haze.

I like this paragraph. It gives us snatches of memory that he would be having, and it sounds right in the first person. It also plants the seed that he’s slightly upset that this woman isn’t Adia, which makes his rage latter on more understandable.

I think not of it as death, I think more of it as freedom at last from this horrifying world. I will never have to reminisce over Adia any longer. I will find her in heaven, along with my father and mother. Years have gone by since she had died and not one moment had passed that I didn’t think of my dearest Adia.

The emotion here is good, I'm just not fond of the way it's presented. The first line sounds very emo, and despite that being his raw feelings, I don't like seeing it in fiction. It's also a personal pet peeve of mine to see death as a release from mortal problems.

And then I realize it is my hands wrapped around my own neck.

Wow. I like what this scene shows and foreshadows, but I'm not completely into it because the human desire to live is rather strong. Once he reached a certain point, which I think would be much earlier than this, his hand would release from nerve impulse. Despite the explanation from the will to live, I still pulled back from this line because him letting go happened too late. Or, is that a side effect of drink?

hands binding sharply around her own fragile neck.

~ Not sure how binding can be "sharp"

~ "Own" is repetitive. I'd delete it.

~ Do we really need "fragile" to describe her neck? That word works in a third person story, when the description can be rather distant, but your MC has his hands on the woman's throat. He's going to feel how small it is, how her bones creak, how her windpipe is collapsing already. I don't think he's going to use simply "fragile" for something so tactile.

causing the air to never be able to return to her.

A subtle way of showing his murders intent. I like it.

blue eyes staring piercingly up at me.

"Piercingly" seems to be over-describing "staring." If you wanted to use that word, replace "staring" with "piercing" so the description doesn't feel so jam-packed.

And I seemed to hold that against her.

He doesn't seem to hold that against her. He is holding it against her. When I read "seemed" I became detached from this scene. He's too unsure of himself to have us really involved. The lines before were good to show his rage, but after reading this line I found the paragraph had lost its punch.

Her head started turning, eyes opened wide, almost bulging out of her head, her mouth open wide as if releasing a silent scream.

~ "Starts" instead of "started."

~ The “opened” after “eyes” should be “open” for tense.

~ "Open wide" is repetitive

I release her, realizing just what I did and I back off the bead, tears surfacing in my own eyes.

~ I find "just what I did" odd wording. I prefer it as "what I had just done" because it flows better.

~ I'd break these two sentences up at the "and" for more punch.

I had killed her in my drunken fury just as that unknown man had killed Adia, and I backed up to the door, grabbing the phone in my clumsy hands.

I would replace the "and" here with a period, and replace the comma after "door" with an "and," reworking the sentence accordingly.

I dialled the number on the phone and just hung up

"The number" is rather vague. It could mean his parents, her parents, 911, anything. Be more specific please.

In a couple of minutes I saw the flashing light of the sirens, yet I heard nothing. Completely silent. A knock came on the door, but I did not move, I did not stir.

~ If he didn't hear the sirens, then how could he have heard the knock on the door? I believe "sirens" is meant to be "police" or something to that effect.

~ If he hung up after dialing 911 on a cell phone (which is what I assume he called on) then there would be no way to track where the call had come from. If he is using the hotel phone, then it's plausible, but first what phone he uses needs to be mentioned (cell or hotel/land line), and second all concept of time needs to be eliminated. Then the readers can figure out how long the cops took, and it would seem more realistic. Time loses all meaning when you're in shock.

I was too engrossed with watching a fly walk undisturbed against her lifeless flesh.

The mention of the fly fits the context of the story (death, rotting, ect) but it feels so detached from the rest of the work. No flies were mentioned, and nothing along these lines (the fly, death, undisturbed people) was mentioned before. I'm not sure if it's possible to rework the piece so these concepts are mentioned, so this line should probably the one that gets reworked.

One word I like was “undisturbed.” It implies that she’s dead without telling us. I’d actually delete “lifeless” because it can be seen as redundant.

*

I’m not going to divide up my overall segment here.

I found the chronology somewhat off. In the opening paragraphs I found myself wondering "why is the MC like this?" way too often. Why he was so upset, why he was so enraged. As we discovered the character, and what had caused him to be that way, I found myself connecting with him more. The second “current moment” scene held much more emotional impact on me because of that. I found the ending tended to drag on though. Too many questions and open ended lines again (which was the same problem as the beginning, only the questions were more minor). The symbols at the end weren’t all that well foreshadowed, and I think it would have been better had you used the church-ish metaphors that happened in the first few paragraphs. Then there would have been a more cyclical feel to it. At the moment the beginning and end feel rather disconnected because what you set up at the beginning wasn’t carried through. Not just the symbols, but why he was beating her in the first place.

This guy, as an alcoholic, I don’t find fits. There isn’t any slurred speech, which I do suppose makes sense for a first person story since he knows what he’s saying, nor is the vocabulary that fitting. I’m not ruling out that some drunks are smart. What I’m saying is that we are given no reason for him to be smart. His backstory leaves something to be desired for me, since he doesn’t mention any sort of other relationships, like friends trying to drag him out of his shell (maybe they took him out to bars to drown his sorrows and he went overboard?) or other family trying to get him to change. That makes the character feel too isolated because he doesn’t know anybody but his wife. We’re also not given what he loses, like a job, friends, ect. He would need a job to be able to keep his drinking up and something that happens to addicts is they blow all their money on what they crave, leaving nothing else. The inner story of what he wants is nice and gives us a window into his head, but the outer reproductions are missing.

The description that you put in here doesn’t seem to be doing much, other than giving the characters a place to be acting out the story. The carpet is grey. Alright, but what does that really show? A depleted character? A boring, flat monotone that contradicts the colour of his emotions? And why chose a blonde and brunet? So the two are as different as possible? Really play that up so we can know another reason he dislikes this girl so much. That seems to be why you chose such descriptions, so put that in to give us another reason why he's so angry.

I’m not sure how much I like the first person. It seemed really distant, which counters the point of using first person. Should you replace all the “I”s and “me”s with “he”s and “him”s, I think the story would flow better in how distant it is. If you want to keep the first person, really get tactile in the descriptions. Don’t settle for describing outside of the person; figure out how this would feel, taste, look, everything. Check out this article for tips.

Overall, I don’t think this fits the contest completely. The point is to make us empathize and understand the MC, and although you do an adequate job of the inner workings during the flashback, the beginning and the ending really didn’t fit I find. I’d play around with the chronology and tenses, and spend more time on the outer workings of what he’s going through. Give him ways of hiding his drunkenness, what he goes through on the outside, any relationships, ect. Make the end more connected to the beginning (they are technically the same scene, after all) and punch up some allusions a bit more. Also, put in more reasons why he's angry, which can be done by playing up how different the girls are. Once that happens, I just might empathize with this guy. I did empathize with him for a few paragraphs, but they were at the end and only happened with a slow building of what he went through. Put that building into the beginning and end, and make him surer of himself in his emotions.

PM me with questions. And happy editing!

~Rosey

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Let me just start out by saying this is a brilliant work in progress. I will commence nitpicking.

The ringing sound of my open palm

I would reword this bit; "open palm" might be a little confusing and I don't understand why there's a ringing sound from a slap.

tears falling admonishingly,

Don't use complex words just for the sake of using complex words.

it makes it impossible for me.

It's not impossible if he kicks her right after he says this.

pain as the physical abuse.

"Physical Abuse" sounds too formal and as if he's not doing it. It should be replaced with something like "beatings".

I say in barely a whisper,

Consider changing whisper to yelling, if only to make it stronger.

She would be able to smell the alcohol on my breath, she would notice my clumsy movements, but it is all the same.

I don't get the "would"s, they're kind've confusing.

You have been with him, you have slept with him, you slut.”

This is good, but you don't follow up on it in the rest of the story. Either elaborate on her cheating, explain that he's not telling the truth, or remove the sentence.

I growled, stepping towards her, staggering.

Just change to "staggering towards her".

And she hides behind it, as the veil would be able to protect her from the cause of detriment before her.

Remove "and" at the beginning and it also seems like detriment is just being used to be fancy.

‘…her name was Adia Lockhart. She was married to James Lockhart, and expecting a child…’

Just to reinforce the other person's point, change this. He would've found out before hand. Alternatively, you could keep this and then write a little bit about his feelings over not being told. Also, consider moving this to the top of this section, then how he felt about the other newscasts would make more sense and be more powerful.


--
.

I feel the sharp pang of reality, of the brutality of it and I never want to see it again.

This sentence should be reworded.

But it is the drink I crave; it is that poison that is the only thing keeping me going. I need that poison; I need the beer, the brandy, the whiskey, the rum. They are the only things needed to keep me from becoming sober, to keep me from the sharp sorrow of the real world.

LOVED this paragraph!


--

And then I realize it is my hands wrapped around my own neck.

For me this sentence was confusing. I would just remove it entirely.

This story was amazing! You did a great job describing how the main character felt. Just tune it up a bit, then I would definitely send it in. I hope my nitpicking wasn't too annoying.

Hey there Incog! Dreamwalker here with a review, as requested .

You know the breakdown of my reviews so lets get this show on the road.

Nit-Picks

The ringing sound of my open palm connecting to her flesh echoes through the hotel room, embedding it with silence and she collapses to the ground, tears falling admonishingly, settling into the carpet below her.

This sentence is a very long, and stretched out. You have unnecessarily, frilly words added in to make it sound more descriptive and that only makes it long. This sentence doesnt really excite me for this piece.

Also, when it says 'silence and she collapses...' etc, 'and' should be 'as'. It will flow a whole lot better.

She weeps, she mutters, and it angers me, it makes it impossible for me.

Miss hypocrite! xD, wow Incognito, you really should point that finger at yourself. This sentence is completetly fragmented and unnatural. I'm sure a semicolon of some sort would be used instead fr the last comma because there are too many comma's for such a short sentence. Use some connective words maybe?

Yet I kick her again, even more forcefully, yelling at her to get up, to stand on her feet.

Here's a little tip. Try not to start sentences off with sentence connecting words such as 'yet', 'and', 'because', etc. If you are going to keep 'yet' put a comma behind it.

My senses blur together, my vision wanders in and out of focus.

This isnt a sentence. If there was some middle to it then maybe but you should just use a connecting word instead of a comma. It sounds pretty silly if you don't.

I can hear her ragged breathing, I can feel her trembling as I hold her, and I can taste the bitterness of the words that will come inevitably, the words that will bring the same amount of pain as the physical abuse.

Again, a very long sentence. The last comma should really be a semicolon cause that could be a sentence on its own if you really wanted. To keep it connected to this bit you use a semicolon but not a comma.

“You garden-variety whore.” I say in barely a whisper, the anger coming in flashes of red.

I find this insult not realistic for the point in time. If this guy is losing himself to his anger he would want to strike her down quickly. None of this frilly 'garden-variety' in front of it. Just 'you whore' would be more becoming of this line.

Her long straight golden hair falls around her.

This sentence is a mess of ugly xD. You are missing comma's after 'long' and 'straight'. I would suggest putting em in.

But then she is gone, darkness surrounds me. The droning of a news broadcast is the only thing I hear.

Feels very Anne Rice xD. I like it.

...the war in Iraq seems to be going no where.

This is a ver unrealistic newcast. They would say something like 'The war in Iraq is at a strandstill' or something in those lines. They would never say it was going nowhere or people would riot and want their men home.

The words just started to blend together, quicken pace, until I just want to cover my ears.

This sentence is a clear showing of you jumping from past tense to present tence. You seem to have some issues in this piece where you do that so you might want to try and figure out a way to fix that up.

‘…her name was Adia Lockhart. She was married to James Lockhart, and expecting a child…’

I felt the agony rise in side of me, tears falling down my cheeks. My Adia, my love, dead. The voices faded out and left me with agonizing silence.

This would never happen. No way would they have the news cast about the death of Adia before informing the family of her death. Absolutely no way.. he would have been told...

My senses seem to dull and mingle with my sense of loneliness, and misery.

There is some redundancy here with overusing senses and sense. Not good for one sentence.

I pick up copies of my favourite books, only to put them down again because I can not piece the words together, my mind corrodes away.

Again the last comma should be a semicolon.

But it is the drink I crave; it is that poison that is the only thing keeping me going.

Wrong use of a semicolon. Use a period there.

I get glimpses in the moments when I was closest to sobriety, sometimes moments of a funeral, or a birthday, but the main one is a wedding, a mirror image of my first, but I face not Adia at the altar, but some other woman, a beautiful blonde twig of a woman, and I see her reassuring smile, the smile that is not Adia’s.

This sentence is obviously way to long. Trim it down.

My toes start to go numb and so do my fingers. But I do not push against this invisible killer.

This could easily be one sentence. Make it one.

I think not of it as death, I think more of it as freedom at last from this horrifying world.

Make this into two sentences. Ex: "I think not of it as death. Instead, I thin more of it as freedom... etc'.

I will find her in heaven, along with my father and mother.

This guy, who beats his wife and is constantly drunk, still thinks that he can get into heaven? I would be saying 'I'm not going to heaven because of the sins I've committed.'

Grammar and Punctuation

This is where you struggled. Your grammar was beautiful, vocab very interesting but your punctuation left something to be desired. Your sentences were often too long and comma's added where they weren't necessary. You have areas that should have been more then one sentence and you have sentences with commas that could have just used connecting words. I suggest reading back, out loud, to see if it sound quite right with all the commas and such things where you have them.

Plot

You have some plot holes littered throughout this piece that need some work to fix up. You also have some very sketchy, unthoughtout sentence bits like the news broadcasts which were unrealistic. Try making everything feel more realistic and the story will be much more impacting.

Description and Setting

This is where you soared. Your description was interesting and often effortless which was very refreshing but what I found was that you often used way to many adjectives where they weren't needed making some of the descriptions unnecessarily frilly. Try cutting down on some of the adjectives and leave us with something professional.

Character Developement

Another section you soared at. This one is because your character is very believable. Even though some of the plot was unbelievable, your character followed through and made the piece and enjoyable read and something in which I definitly felt emotion towards. Nice.

Overall

Fix your plot holes, your punctuation, and your over adjectives and you, my darling little sister, while be the next anne rice xD. I think the student has finally surpassed the teacher . Brilliant job and revise it up whenever you can. Polish this jewel of a piece and im sure you will ace the contest!

Is Walking in Death
~The.Dreamwalker