Sonnet 2: The thinkable unthinkable unravels at the door. /P

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Sat Jul 18, 2009 7:35 am

Snoink says...

I have to say, I liked the original one better.

This is locked.

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Sat Jul 18, 2009 7:30 am

Galerius says...

Plagiarism, my friend. Be a man and write your own work, thanks.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

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Tue Jun 02, 2009 7:10 pm

Hannah wrote a review...

Hey, Brad. Thank you for reviewing my poem. ^_^ I thought I would attempt to return the favor.

I appreciate the rhyming that you have and the fact that its hidden within the lines, covered up sometimes by enjambment, etc. The first two stanzas are especially good, but then I think you get so caught up in keeping with the rhymes/slant rhymes that you stuff them in just to fill up the poem.

apparent. The aberrant

is what I call you in your absence.

This sentence sticks out horribly. Not only is it phrased really awkwardly compared to the rest of the lines in the poem, but it's obvious, once the reader catches on to your rhyming tricks, that this may have been inserted only to keep with that pattern, not because it had any real meaning before you figured out that apparent sounds like aberrant.

Stop me if you've heard this one before:

Your body is torn open by exegesis, and the thinkable unthinkable goes sobbing door-to-door.

I really like the 'Stop me if you've heard this one before:'. I don't know, it just sticks out to me, because it's not something you specifically wrote yourself, but it works and fits right into the jaunt of the poem. If that makes any sense. To me, this feels like a poem that is meant to be read aloud, to get the sense of the sound-alike words, and a colloquial phrase like that just fits right in.

I am not such a big fan of the ending, though. I feel like 'exegesis' is a word that doesn't quick fit with the poem. The rest of the words, though sophisticated, hardly require looking up, while this one might. I don't think it's really even necessary to say what the body was torn open by. I think it works quite well if you cut that out, but I don't know what you are doing with meter, so if that doesn't work, perhaps simply consider finding a different cause.

Overall, I think the image of a 'thinkable unthinkable' going door to door will actually stick with me. It sort of reminded me of Mewho and the Exactlywhat by Shel Silverstein, but the context of this is definitely less silly. I don't know that the rest of the poem made a deep impression, however. I think maybe if I heard it read aloud, it would.

PM me if you have any questions or would like anything else reviewed. ^_^

-Hannah-

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Tue Jun 02, 2009 2:33 pm

ucheokere wrote a review...

I look out the window in this hot summer morning,
I cant believe its two yrs since you walked out my door,
At first, it was like the world was going to end at that instant, the thought of loosing you to another man was unbearable,
I was'nt the best of men, but atleast i cared,
I was'nt the most handsome, nor the richest but i stuck by you when it mattered most,
I gave you love and i gave you my heart, and i never failed to tell you how beautiful your eyes were,
How was i to know you've been sleeping with my best friend, i trusted you with my life, you thought i was going to die,
But look at me now,
I'm all your man i'snt, or should i say men,
How long did it take me to find my feet? nDid you ever believe i'd be what i am, just look at papers tomorrow and you'd understand....
Have fun with Bob, i hope to make it to your next wedding, or the one after...
If you were patient with me for just one more month.....

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Tue Jun 02, 2009 2:16 pm

ucheokere says...

nice, very nice.....

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