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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
First off, are you a Modest Mouse fan? Anyways, I really enjoyed the story. The only thing I caught was...
That should be "I wasn't interested" right?
Keep up the good work.
Yours Truly,
RebellionLies
Hey Incan! I wish I could give you a full review, but the thing is, I'm reading Catcher in the Rye at the moment for school and I'll get totally confused.
I'm guessing you've been reading it lately too. Not only is the narrative the same, but a lot of the phrases- goddam, Chrissake, crumby, that killed me etc.
To tell the truth, it read like a rewrite of the first few chapters of Catcher. He talks to the professor who smells like Vick's something -he has a fight with his roommate. He mentions his parents. He's left school (college? I wasn't sure), lies a lot, and he is incredibly lonesome, although he'd never admit it. Yeah, Jasper/Jason (which was right) is an awful lot like Holden Caldwell? The only difference is that yours gets sexually assaulted by another man.
I'm just intrigued as to why you'd write it. Sure, Salinger was great and he should be remembered, but wasn't it pretty tedious to write?
I'm on the fence. Usually I would say try something more original, but I don't know what kind of thing you're going for here.
Hope I helped a little bit!
-Stella.
Here as requested!
So, can't really find any nit-picks. This prose it too dense for that. The only nit-pick I had (Waiting on him) is explainable considering the MC's feelings.
I have the same point as Conrad about the approachability of the character. His thought patterns are kinda strange, and to me that makes him really unreachable. You have taken the theme of isolation and pushed it so far that it turns you MC into an island.
As for the actual plot, I find it a little confusing. The theme at the end, about nobody caring about him and his teacher telling him to shape up was good, but the beginning got me confused. There were so many flash-backs and summaries that I had a hard time keeping track of what was forward motion and what was flashback.
Overall I didn't really find this to my tastes. It's a pretty solid story, just not my kind.
~Rosey
Hi Incan! I've never reviewed anything by you before, so bear with me here and I will try to make this as painless as possible!
Try cutting out the but she's. It gives this an interesting sarcastic tone that would do very well.
That's really the only nitpicky thing I have. I'm not good at those anyway, so let's look at the overall picture here. It is a really good overall picture, but there are things I would like to point out.
To begin, your main character mentions something about not being good at being the guy in the rye, or something to that extent. That's funny, because this seems like an extremely condensed version of Catcher in the Rye, only with fewer uses of the word phony. I don't know if you view this as a good thing, or a bad thing. If you want it to be like Catcher in the Rye, I think it falls a little short. The main gripe in that department is the voice of your main character. It's odd, a little off, which is understandable given his circumstances, but it is still, in my opinion, a detriment to the story. Consider altering it slightly. Make the main character's voice a little more approachable. Right now he seems isolated. While he is isolated from the world, he shouldn't be isolated from us, the reader.
Plotwise, despite the Catcher comparision I'm drawing, it is a great story. It's not my particular cup of tea, which may explain why I'm being a little harsh, but even I can get past my initial dislike and acknowledge that you have a very solid story here. It just needs a little polishing up before it can truly shine.
Oh, one last thing. What is the relationship between the main character and Michael? Is it just friendship, or is it something more? There were clues to both in the story, and I didn't know if you wanted that to be ambiguous or not.
Well, that wraps it up for me. If you have any questions, or want to scream at me for something in particular, feel free to PM me. Again, this is a good story. If it seems I'm harping on that a bit, it's because I feel the tiniest bit intimidated reviewing a mod's story.
Anyways, good job, and good luck!
Okay! Back!
My favorite part was definitely this:
Writing majors are slightly ridiculous.
Anyway, one thing that you might want to look in... the voice seems to be harsher in the beginning (like I said, I told you it sounded very different than your own voice) but by the end, it had morphed into your own voice. Which is a bit weird and I'm not sure if it was intended, but there you go!
A bizarre little story, lol.
Also, because you don't have enough comments (no, seriously, you don't,) here's something for you!
[Alteran] 10:11 pm: Oh My god.....
[Alteran] 10:11 pm: Incan's story....WTF?
[маттѕтея] 10:11 pm: o_0
[Loose] 10:12 pm: XD
Well....I don't have a proper crit or anything, but I enjoyed it. Creeper. Total creeper that guy is.
You're a hoot!
I haven't read this yet. I will, but what the hey! A free bump? Plus, you can't whine about nobody commenting on your work.
Anyway, gravity sucks. And why are you writing this when you could be working on FM? Just one more episode! ONE MORE. How can you resist?