Ungifted (Chapter 1 & 2)

by Inaya705

Published August 29, 2020

E - Everyone

In Stories

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chapter 1

Magemore looked very different at night, the only thing it had common with daytime was the bustling crowd. Floren Astorio didn't want to come here, but she had no other choice. Whether people were disgusted by her or not she had to visit Zion to gain news.

She was going to visit MIVEL shop in Magemoor, she believed there she might get some news on her brother. Her brother, Ronald Astorio, murdering the grandmaster's son spread like a rapid fire.

Floren knew that was not true, she knew her brother was framed by someone. The only other person believed this, was Zion, he was a mage and very strong. Zion was well-known around the area, Wildmaple street where Floren was going. Zion and her brother had been friends for a long time. Zion was friendly to her and whenever she met with him, he always made her laugh. After her brother, Zion was the only person she was close with.

Ronald was Floren's only family, but he looked so different than her unlike her he had coal black hair and ocean blue eyes. Whenever they were visiting Mivel's shop together people always looked at her with scrutinizing gaze. And there reason for that, it was because she had no magic, she was ungifted. That is the term used in the mage's world for those who are born without magic. The mages can feel the magic essence coming from another mage but she didn't give of any essence. But her brother was a talented mage and no matter what anyone said he was always by her side, he didn't care whether she had magic or not.

Her transport made a stop and some people got on it. The transport was odd looking some say it moved by magic, some said it moved by creatures, she didn't know which was true. And if creatures moved it she never saw one. First she saw a man got on it and they made eye contact. The man wrinkled his nose and move to seat far way from her. She always saw this face wherever she went. Even if she was used to it, it still hurt her.

Then, she saw a male and a female got into the transport. They were holding hands. They sat and the transport started to move again. The guy said something to girl and she giggled. Floren assumed they were a couple although she can be wrong.

The male had chocolate brown hair and black eyes. He skin was golden brown, he was probably 6.2". Also he had a mark on his black mark on his neck, and from that Floren knew he was a Shifter. They were very different from mages. Floren thought about the girl with him, she could probably be his mate. It was not impossible, Shifters usually got mates more than other races. Also other races don't use the term mates.

After a while she finally reached her destination, the transport stopped near Mivel's shop. She saw the shop was glowing with different lights, this time it was violet and blue. It changed every night. She went inside and saw Zion behind the counter.

Zion looked in his mid twenties but she didn't know what his real age, he could be over 40. He had black hair and green eyes, and he looked handsome unlike Floren who looked plain with her brown eyes and brown hair. She was a person who you see on road but never look back to see a second time.

"Welcome to Mivel's shop, how may I help you?" said Zion with a hint of mischievousness. Zion knew she was coming but he still did it all the time. If it was any other day Floren would have act like a new customer of the shop but today she was in haste.

"Zion, do you have any news about my brother?" said Floren as she fidgitted with her hands.

"Flo, calm down. I already told you, nothing will happen to your brother."

"Did you get any news about the trial?"

"Not yet, but I am still trying." Hearing this, Floren's shoulder slumped. It has been a month since her brother was arrested, three days ago he was on trial and there was still no news, she had been alone ever since. Although not entirely alone, Zion and Mivel visited her everyday. Mivel was Zion's familiar. Familiars were magical creature mages get, though not everyone. Mivel was Black cat and he had green eyes just like Zion.

"Hey, don't be sad. How about you see the new artifacts I made and some of them I brought from exotic places, while I make some chocolate for you?"

"Okay." said Floren in a low voice.

Floren was walking with Mivel through the aisle of the shop, deep in thought. She didn't notice Mivel has stopped until he called her.

"Your head is still in the cloud?"

"What?"

"Listen kid, hope for the better. And don't make me walk in cycles. I have one crazy person to deal with everyday and now you're making me walk."

Mivel always complaind about Zion and the his complains were a mood booster for Floren. Somehow it was able make Floren smile. "Sorry" said Floren with a smile, "Let's see those new artifacts."

The shop's inside were as colourful as outside. The counter and aisle were made up of wood. Other shops usually had steel aisle. Seeing the new artifacts was entertaining. After walking for sometime she found a beautiful gold armband, there was a ruby stone on top of it. There were spiral mark on the armband. Floren felt different as she looked at it, she felt as if something was calling her within the armband. She unknowingly touched it.

"You like it?" Mivel's question snapped her out of it, then she realized what she did. She let the armband go as quickly as she could. Touching foreign artifact was quite dangerous, as it could harm the holder. Usually Mivel always told her to be careful about touching artifacts. And she was waiting for a scolding but it never came.

"You can try it if you want." Floren looked at Mivel with wide eyes,

"Won’t that be dangerous?"

"It doesn't have any magic."

"Then, why did you put it on display?"

"Ask that idiot."

Floren and Mivel walked back to the counter where Zion was waiting with Floren's hot chocolate. She took it and sat on a tool. Then she drew her nose and asked, "What is that awful smell?"

"Just a little bit of potion malfunction." said Zion and grinned. Floren wanted to ask more but one look at Mivel made her choose not to. Mivel looked like he was ready to burst, when it came to potion they were always disagreeing with each other. She decided to ask about the armband.

"I believe that armband may have certain power. I heard sometimes artifacts like those choose it's wearer."

When Floren share her thoughts when she was seeing it. Zion told her to take it.

"I don't have money."

"Consider it as gift."

Zion had already given her enough and she didn’t want anymore. He always helped her brother and her by giving many artifacts to use. So, she turned it down.

When it was time for her to go home, Zion walked her towards the transport, which toke her to her house. She yawned as she enter her apartment, she took of her coat and decided to turn in early.

*****

The next day, she took the coat to put it in her closet. She felt something hard in one of the pocket. She put her hand in the pocket and pulled out the armband she saw yesterday at Zion's shop.

chapter 2

Floren was shocked to see the armband, this band might not have any magic but it still scared her. She decided to call Zion. She called Zion but he was not picking up the phone. Zion always picked up her calls so he must be very busy. She wanted to take the band to his shop but she thought against it, as she always inform him beforehand going to his shop. So, she decided wait for him to call back, she put armband on a table.

She and her brother lived in a small apartment, which is on the Greenlyn street. Floren has lived here all her life, she didn't have any friends, some of her classmates were nice but none were eager to be friends with an ungifted. She attended an educational academy which was close to her home, but most students there was trying to discover their magic. Floren didn't had much to do as she didn't have her magic. All she could do was learn some basic knowledge and a little bit of history.

Floren was mostly homeschooled but for the last three she was attending the academy, she started attending the academy at 15. Most children started at 11 and over the years they developed their magic. Then usually at 18, they go to study at certain field on which depend their career. Floren heard from her brother that Heritage High Academy takes ungifted, there is a whole department on it. That's where she wanted to go this year before this whole incident happened.

Floren was trying to read a book but all the things that has been going made it hard for her to concentrate. She wasn't careful and she cut her finger when she was turning the page of her book. It was a scratch and a little blood came out so, she decided to look for a bandage. She put the book on her table, where the armband was. When she looked at he armband, she felt a pull towards it. She felt like she wanted to wear it, she took the armband and wore it. It fit her perfectly and the armband was really beautiful.

After looking it herself on the mirror for a while, she finally snapped out from a daze she didn't remember she was in. She pulled on the armband but it didn't came of, it was stuck to her arm. She called Zion again but he still didn't pick up, she decide to wait till tomorrow before going to the shop again.

*****

She went to sleep wearing the band and woke up wearing it, nothing bad happened to her. She felt fine, somehow she believed the band was harmless but the news on the newspaper drain blood from her face. The newspaper had the news of the recent trial. It said that Ronald Astorio will be executed for murdering the grandmaster's son. Also the newspaper themed it as 'The Astorio Family's scandal'. Floren didn't understand it at all but she knew she can't stay at her home. She had to meet with Zion.

But as she opened her door, she saw Zion and Mivel was standing there ready to attack someone, their expression made her even more confused. When Zion saw it was Floren, he hugged her and sighed in relief. "I thought something happened to you."

"Why?" Floren as she looked up at him.

"Mivel said he felt the presence of magic from the apartment. Also what is wrong with your voice, did you catch a cold?"

"No. Zion the newspaper.."

"Let's talk inside." Zion looked from left to right of the corridor before going in, something made Zion very tensed. Like he felt someone might attack them. Maybe he was looking for the source of magic that Mivel felt.

Before she could ask anything Mivel beat her to it. "I can still fill the presence of magic." Both Zion and Mivel was on their guards and they checked the rooms but found nothing. Then Mivel finally looked at her and frowned.

"The magic is coming from you, now it is only a tiny streak."

"But I don't have any magic."

"Now that I think about it, you look a little different too." Floren looked at herself he was same, then she looked at the mirror she was a little tall like a inch and her face looked a little rigid but when she touched her face and it felt soft. Floren didn't know what was happening, then she remembered about the armband and told the incident of the previous day.

"So, it choose you."

"How and why?"

"Did your blood contact with the armband?"

" I did touch it with my right hand."

"Then that’s how the contract was made. And why, I don't have the answer. You may found it in the future though. Also if it made a contract then it won't harm you."

Floren was glad to hear it, at least it didn't try to eat her. The first time she decided to touch an artifact was a beautiful perfume bottle, and the bottle talked. It had persuaded her to hold it. She didn't think much she did as she was told. Then it open it's mouth, there she saw sharp teeth and it tried to bite her. She dropped it but it didn't break. It was still coming after her. Her brother and Zion stopped it. It was not everyday a bottle tries to eat a person. It was horrifying to her brother just laughed.

"Is that how usually contracts are formed?"

"Sometimes."

After thinking for a while Zion said "So, I think it created an illusion. We can see your quite different, even when you see yourself you notice the difference but you feel the same."

"So, I became a male version of myself."

"Something like that.

Floren then asked, "Now tell me, What is going on?"

"Listen, you know that mage's world has councilman. The councilman's votes and makes a grandmaster among the members. The Astorio Family has been a member of the council for a long time. That's why the media are making the whole situation as scandal. Yesterday I have been trying to find out about the trial but I was unable to. The council made that decision together."

"What will we do, my brother is going to die. I know he is innocent." Floren felt her eyes tear up, she didn't want to lose her only family. "If our family is in the council, why aren't they trying to help him?"

"Flo, they are in a tough situation themselves. If they try to help him, they will lose their place in the council. That's why they are agreeing with the council, they are bunch of coward. Still, they did not gave any date so there still a possibility that they may change their decision." Zion words didn't assure her but there was still hope.

"Why didn't he ever told me about our family?"

"He didn't want to dishearten you. That family would have always looked down upon you, you know how noble families are." Floren knew that normal family didn't like ungifted, noble family would be worst.

"Still, it wasn't his decision to make."

"Yes. He loves you and he will try to protect you."

"Wasn't there any evidence to prove that he was innocent?"

"Every evidence was taken by the guards and if there was any left then it's inside the academy. I don't know much that happens in the academy." Zion's shoulder slumped, as he gazed down. He told Floren that once he was an alumni of the academy but now he prohibited from entering the grounds. He made a mistake and still regretted for it. She wanted to ask what but seeing him like this, she didn't have the heart to ask. They were silent for a while until an idea came to her mind.

"Zion, I can enroll in the academy as an ungifted student. I was going to anyway, but I can enroll as a boy so I can investigate, this armband will help me."

"That's a very bad idea. Ronald will kill me if I let you do it."

"I am still going to do it." Floren looked straight into Zion's eyes and folded her arms. Finally Zion sighed, "Fine, but anything bad happens, you are leaving with me. Do you understand?"

"But.."

"If it is not, then I won't help you."

"Okay."

"But before that I need to see what that armband can do."

*****

For a few days, they observed the armband. They figured out that the illusion lasted for quite sometime, everyday around six to eight ours the magic stops and she looked normal then. There was not much difference when illusion is activated or when it is deactivated, unless someone is very observant they won't notice it. They also figured out that the magic of the armband dispels outside magical attacks, not physical but mind controlling attacks.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
mythh
Review
mythh wrote a review Review · Sep 8, 2020

Hey there! I'm Myth and I'll be reviewing your story today. Before I begin, I think you should've separated the two chapters as two different works, but I don't think that's necessary. In fact, I don't think it was necessary to divide this into two chapters. I'll be talking about that in the review.

I won't be commenting on your grammar and typos, but if you do need another review for that, feel free to drop a request in my WRFF thread and I'll just PM you a fresh review. So, let's get started without further ado.

I really like how you've started the chapter. The first paragraph is a really good introduction to whom I assume is the protagonist or at least the main one. Also, I like the transition from the line about the setting to the character.

I won't be going paragraph by paragraph, but I do have to say that you have some amazing ideas. All I would suggest is sorting them out. For example, there was a part where you were describing an action by a character and then you sidetracked to the meaning of something you said, in your world. I think that's all the first chapter really needs.

Also, I must point out that the way you've ended the first chapter is a bit unsettling. This is because of the apparent ending and the start of the next chapter share the same tone and ideas and it doesn't feel like a real change in chapters. This is why I strongly feel that both of them could be one chapter.

I think the second chapter somehow did better than the first in terms of how your ideas were organized because here, your main focus was the armband and things surrounding it. So I'll give you a 10/10 for that. Do keep what I offered in mind. If you need any more help, feel free to drop a request in my WRFF feed. I'll be sure to give you a link if you're interested.

Yours sincerely,
Myth

__|_|__

Image

Thank you for your wonderful review. I would love it if you read my future chapters.

User avatar
Tenyo
Review
Tenyo wrote a review Review · Aug 30, 2020

Hey Inaya!

Chapter 1

I love that opening. It's so atmospheric and you've immediately managed to create a sense of place and conflict within the first few lines. Also announcing Floren's full name is great here because it makes it seem more significant, and gives it a lot more of a hit when it turns up in the newspaper in chapter two.

At first I was a little thrown off by some of the language, particularly 'male' and 'mate', but actually I think it works really well. It's a very subtle thing that kind of maintains that slight alienation of Floren.

The part where Zion tells Floren to calm down felt a bit off- I think because up until this point she seemed more determined than anxious, so it came quite suddenly.

I love the relationship between the characters. It feels like there's obviously something quite dark going on in the background but they're so familiar and affectionate towards each other, it really does feel like stepping in on a few old friends.


Chapter 2

That newspaper sounds like a horrific thing to wake up to. The fact that the newspapers announced his execution before she even heard about it paints a picture of a society that cares a lot less about compassion than it does headlines.

The last few lines of chapter 2 (and probably of chapter 1) feel quite disjointed. It almost feels like I'm missing out on some of the story because time is simply skipping ahead and I'm being told about the results. I think ending the chapter with the comment about the armband and then include another chapter showing some of the experimentation that they'd have to do in order to figure this stuff out would be really cool.

These are some great opening chapters, I love the character dynamics and the premise is quite gripping. Keep it up!

Thank you for your amazing review, I hope you will read my future chapters.

User avatar
MoonIris
Comment
MoonIris commented Comment · Aug 30, 2020

Hi Inaya705,
I'm here to review your second chapter. The chapter starts to become more and more interesting. We are learning more about the magic system yet again it feels like you are giving to much information in just one chapter. I do still think that the magic system is very interesting and I was wondering if you are gaming a hard magic system or a soft one?
Now let's continue with grammar.
"as she always inform him beforehand going to his "
It should be informs and add of after him.
" decided wait for him "
It should be decided to.
" she put armband on a table."
It should be the armband
"She attended an educational academy which was close"
It should be that was close and not wich. It's a place, not a person.
" most students there was trying "
It should be were trying as there are multiple students.
"didn't had much to"
it should be have not had, You already have the past in didn't.
"at certain field on which depend"
It should be in a certain field and you should remove on. As well it should be depends.
"a book but all the things that has been going "
It should be have been.
"When she looked at he armband"
It should be the armband not he.
"After looking it herself "
It should be at herself.
"on the mirror"
It should be in the mirror
"but it didn't came of,"
It should be come, you have past in didn't and of should be off.
"she decide to wait"
It should be she decides. I'd also like to remind you to keep a single time, present or past. You can use the present if she is speaking to herself or in dialogue but for narration you should keep only one.
"Also the newspaper"
You should add a comma after also.
"she saw Zion and Mivel was "
Was should be were because Zion and Mivel are two.
"Zion and Mivel was on their"
Here as well.
"Floren looked at herself he was same,"
It should be the same.
"like a inch and her face"
It should be an inch.
"remembered about the armband "
You don't need about here.
", it choose you."
It should be chose.
"are making the whole situation as scandal"
Add a after as.
"they are bunch of coward. Still, they did not gave any date so there still "
It should be a bunch and add an s at coward. You don't need the two still. You can remove them both. And gave sould be give because you already have the past tense in did.
", noble family would be worst"
It should be the noble.
" and still regretted for it"
You should remove the for.
"Finally Zion sighed"
Comma after finally.
"folded her arms. Finally Zion sighed, "Fine, but anything bad happens, you are leaving with me. Do you understand?""
When you start a dialogue you start a new paragraph.
"But before that I need to see what that armband can do."
You should add a comma after that.
"around six to eight ours"
It should be hours.
"when illusion is activated or when it is deactivated"
It should be the illusion and no need for a comma after deactivated.
"mind controlling attacks."
It should be mind-controlling.

Now about the story itself. I think it has an interesting plot. I like that her problem is personal and she can't walk away from it. If a character can walk away from a problem than a reader can walk away from the story. For now, I don't see any suspense but I believe that will come later on. Tag me when you post your new chapter. :)
I hope my review helped you,
MoonIris.

Thanks again for your review, it helps a lot.

User avatar
MoonIris
Review
MoonIris wrote a review Review · Aug 30, 2020

Hi Inaya705,
I'm here with a review. I'm going to start with the first chapter. I really like the idea of the story and the characters that you've created. You want to give us information on the world-building and magic system in this first chapter. I thunk you give a little to much information in just one go and it might be a little confusing for the reader. I think it will be better if you give us information little by little. It will make your story more interesting and more mysterious.
There are also a couple of things I would like to point out.

"Zion was well-known around the area, Wildmaple street where Floren was going. Zion and her brother had been friends for a long time. Zion was friendly to her and whenever she met with him, he always made her laugh. After her brother, Zion was the only person she was close with."
Here you repeat Zion to many times. You should replace Zion with hee in the last sentences. It's clear that you are talking about him.
"Ronald was Floren's only family, but he looked so different than her unlike her he had coal black hair and ocean blue eyes.'
There should be two sentences here. You should separate them after "Her" just before unlike". It also should be "coal-black".
"Also he had a mark on his black mark on his neck"
This part is very confusing. I believe you wanted to say " Also, he had a black mark on his neck". Add a comma after Also as well.
"rapid fire"
It should be rapid-fire.
"And there reason for that"
It should be their.
"First she saw a man"
There should be a comma after first.
" He skin was golden brown"
It should be his skin.
" Also other races don't use the term mates"
A comma is needed after also. I would recommend maybe changing also to as well. You already have also just before and it feels repetitive.
"Zion looked in his mid twenties but"
It should be mid-twenties.
"She was a person who you see on road "
It should be the road.
"If it was any other day Floren would have act like a new"
Like needs to be changed to as and act to acted.
"said Floren as she fidgitted with her hands."
It should be fidgeted.
" Mivel was Black cat "
It should be a black cat. No need to capitalized.
'"Okay." said Floren"
There should be a comma after Okay not a full-stop.
"Mivel always complaind about Zion"
Add an e after n in complained.
"t Zion and the his complains "
No need for the and complains should be complaints.
"was able make"
To make. Add to.
"inside were as colourful as"
It should be colorful.
"There were spiral mark on the armband."
It should be was not were.
"Usually Mivel always told"
There should be a comma after usually.
"Just a little bit of potion malfunction."
When somebody finishes talking and you want to add something you put a comma not a full stop. "potion malfunction,"
"I believe that armband may have certain power"
You should add a before certain.
"Consider it as gift."
It should be as a gift.
"She yawned as she enter her apartment, she took of her coat and decided to turn in early."
It should be entered if you want to keep the past tense. As well of should be off.
"hard in one of the pocket"
It should be pockets.
You have quite some grammar mistakes. I would recommend you use an online grammar corrector. You can find free ones.
I like the story but unfortunately I don't have time to review your second chapter as well. Keep writing,
MoonIris

Thank you for your review, it was helpful. If you get time, check out chapter 2.

I%u2019m glad I helped if I have time I will review the second one as well.



Half goat, half fish, all goatfish.
— OSP Red