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I would frown

by Inaayat


I would frown meeting a person who failed in displaying what actually she is. who didn't know how to pour out her feelings.she is happy sometimes, but sometimes has red hot face boiling with anger and sometimes you can see her crying. and she sobs, she sobs when those pearls drop down her cheeks as if its the end.who doesn't know how to hit the nail on the head. she deserves my irritable glare, the one who doesn't know exactly what she is doing. who is confused about her own life. who cries reading a book. who doesn't know how to make a long short story.who is off her rocker. who struggles being on the ball.who wants to see others smiling but doesn't know how to lift up the ends of their lips.who can do everything and...........nothing.my eyebrows will definitely lift up, meeting a being who loves to stay around people but still wants others to leave her alone.. who wants to look as a fairy just descended from that heaven above my head with red cheeks like kashmiri apples with a wide radiant smile who wears a dress stitched by those divine hands with all stars embellishing the sky. plus a crescent shaped moon placed on her head as a crown. but sometimes thinks that its all a waste of time. who still feels charged up doing an experiment with copper sulphate and iron, is excited how it changes the color and yearns for that iron which could change the color of copper sulphate that she owns. she is the one who is the mason of the walls that she has built  herself confining her. i hate her who loves whistling in the dark but is the most pessimistic. so yesss.....

i find find wrinkles on my forehead each time and every time i meet this person, whenever i look into the mirror...


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57 Reviews


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Sun Jul 30, 2017 11:36 pm
IvoryRose wrote a review...



Very deep story and I can understand where you are coming from, especially since I went through something similar. I was a little confused though, did you not say this was based on something you went through? It so it shouldn’t be placed in fantasy. It would suit general or realistic better. However, that’s just my opinion you do whatever feels right just keep that in mind. Grammar wise, you need to capitalize the first word in a sentence. As well as the i. If referring to one’s self the i is capitalize. Don’t worry mistakes like that are very common or it could just be a typo. I think your greatest strength is the imagery. I love similes and metaphors. Overall, great piece! Keep writing!!




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Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:57 pm


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66 Reviews


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Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:57 pm
iamanaspiringwriter wrote a review...



Hey there Inaayat! Happy review day!

Getting right into it, I got pretty confused when reading this piece. I agree with the other 3 reviewers regarding how this shouldn't be categorized as an essay. The tense changes really made it harder to comprehend, so I'd watch out for those.
I felt overloaded at some points. You had one idea that you were running with, and you attached multiple images that didn't exactly fit together, which made me feel overwhelmed. I was thinking, "Where should I be paying attention? Which one should I be imagining?" Another thing that relates to this idea is, throughout the entire piece, you use a lot of metaphors, which all mush together into a confused mess by the end. Maybe think about running with one metaphor the entire time?
Read this aloud to correct your punctuation. I get where you are coming from with this, people don't think in complete sentences all the time. But it feels as though you were trying to "imitate" someone's thoughts rather than actually writing how the person was thinking.
For the ending, I think it was supposed to be a twist, and I think it can be utilized as such and potentially really surprise readers. I just think refining this piece will really let this last line shine.

Alright, that's all for now. Have a great day/night!

~iamanaspiringwriter




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Sun Jul 30, 2017 5:19 am
DarshayataDeka wrote a review...



Hi! Welcome to YWS!! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.

I think the message of your essay is a powerful one. I like it. However, I feel you could have expressed it in a better way.

The thing is, no matter how nice a literary work is, it has to be grammatically correct to be accepted and appreciated. I know it may be hard, especially if English is not your mother tongue, (as it is in my case) but we have to remember that language is a medium of expression and writing is the most powerful form of that medium. What we write has to be grammatically and factually correct. Having said that, I would like to point out a few mistakes.

As PastelSlushie pointed out, your format of writing is a bit, um, flawed. Since most of the errors have been pointed out by her, I will not repeat them. Moving on, you should not begin a sentence with "who". I don't know whether it is grammatically correct or not, but it sure does make the message weaker. Another thing is that you should try to reduce the number of words in a particular sentence. An example to show that is the fourteenth line, the one in which you mentioned the Kashmiri apples. The first part "fairy just descended from heaven" and the second one "red cheeks like Kashmiri apples" have nothing in common, even though both of them are metaphors for the same thing: feminine beauty. You could have separated them with a period. The same goes to the rest of the sentences. One more thing which I wanted to point out is that you don't begin a sentence with "plus". You used wrong punctuation marks many times.

Overall, this essay (I guess calling it a short story would be apt) was kind of ok. The message was a good one, but, unfortunately the grammar was not. You really need to work on your tenses and punctuations. No matter in which language you opt to write, you have to be grammatically correct and expressive (it is true that you were able to express your emotions well). I know it may be hard, but there's no other option. This work has a great potential and is unique. With the right polishing, it will surely shine out. Keep writing! And yes, don't hesitate to send me a private message (PM) if you need any help.




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Fri Jul 28, 2017 6:33 pm
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello, Inaayat! PastelSlushie here for a review! Let's get right into it!

First comment: You format of writing isn't personally one of my favorites. The beginning of each new sentence isn't capitalized, and it's all one big paragraph. I'd suggest making a new paragraph on: "my eyebrows will definitely lift up, meeting a being who loves to stay around people but still wants others to leave her alone.."

Second comment: You also seem to forget to put other forms of punctuation, such as commas. There's too many to count, but I'll put one sentence as an example: " i hate her who loves whistling in the dark but is the most pessimistic." You'd need to put a comma after dark.

Third comment: You categorized this as Article/Essay, but you show no writing proof of doing so. Short Story would be more appropriate for a piece like this.

Well, that's the end of this review. Sorry if I was harsh in anyway you didn't like. Keep writing!

Pastel




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Fri Jul 28, 2017 6:21 pm
kostia wrote a review...



Hello there Inaayat and welcome to YWS.

I will give you a brief review for this piece.

First of all you marked this as an essay but I noticed you didn't follow any guidelines. There are no paragraphs in this piece let alone it doesn't follow basic sentence structure (after the fullstops you don't begin with a capital letter) while your sentences are too long.

This causes your piece tiresome to read while it also confuses the reader and makes it difficult to comprehend the meaning.

In order to make your essay more concise you need to take care of grammar and structural issues. In this form I m afraid it can not be called an essay.

Moreover you should try to eliminate some repetitions and separate your piece in themes in order to fix the structure. It wouldn't be a bad idea to add some more general ideas since this seems very personal over all.

You had some good ideas in there and good choices of words at certain points. Your imagery is also nicely put.

Other than that this is a very emotional piece and it seems honest and personal. I appreciate that.



I hope you found my few suggestions helpful.

Keep writing!




Inaayat says...


Thank you all for your valuable comments!!!




Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.
— Niels Bohr