I listened to the muffled voices of the surrounding people above me. Many of them I couldn’t understand, they were too quiet. Some called out for help, others stood by and watched. Inevitably, I was going to die. My house had burned down, and my parents Rosie and Daniel, along with my sister Evangeline had already been scorched to death. There was no reason for me to live, no reason at all. I had no other home to go to, if I lived. Where would I be? A mental facility due to the trauma of watching everything I loved being turned into nothing but black dust.
I had third degree burns on both of my arms, on the little bit of skin that showed on my legs and feet under my long nightgown, and a second degree burn on my left cheek. Ten years old, and already dying from shock and pain. My heart raced at an incredible pace, my brain shot messages all around at a speed that it couldn’t handle. I laid on the grass in front of my lawn with not only a burned body, but a dislocated shoulder and a cracked hip bone with cuts all over my body from jumping out a two story window.
I looked around with just my eyes, and saw the horrified faces of other people in my town. A stout man peered over me with an emotionless face, almost as if he didn’t care that this little girl in front of him was practically dead. He knelt down, getting closer to my face. All I remember after that was a sudden wicked grin that glowed around a black night in front of a blazing home, and then pure, pitch-black darkness. I was gone.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh wow, well this is a properly scaring start right there...a house being burned down and oof, this is a properly horrifying image here and it most definitely gets a reader's attention very quickly. That's a really strong start that you've come up with here...you certainly immediately get a sense of how much sheer shock and grief this person must be experiencing at this point.
Well, I'm quite frankly very surprised to learn that this girl survived all of this. Considering the fact that she's ten, and with that scale of injuries being added on to the trauma of losing her entire family and home is just ahh, this is just soo much horror at this point that I can't even imagine how this could possibly feel, oh phew, well, this story is definitely not playing around when it comes to the backstory here.
Well, that looks to be a very suspicious community. I find it super hard to believe how literally no one wants to help this obviously very much in trouble young girl even call the fire department, they should at least be worried about the fire spreading to neighboring houses...well, that's a very interesting note to end on there...makes you think..well, I daresay this was a really nicely done prologue, and it sounds like perhaps this story is going to take place in the afterlife, which definitely makes me want to read more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Woah! This story is really good! I love the picture the story paints for you, and really, it's a great idea you got going there. I don't think you mentioned the main character's name, by the way. I feel sorry for her, but I want to know the rest of her adventures. Will keep reading.
Hey there, InHerEyes,
I'd like to start by saying, this has great potential just from the basic concept. From the title and the fact that this is a prologue, I'm guessing we're going to be hearing more from this dying child, and I'm wondering what they will say to us. However, I have a couple of issues with this piece as it stands right now, and I think you could make some improvements.
My main issue is that, at the moment, this piece is rather "telly". That is, you are telling us what has happened, and why it is not worth living, rather than showing us the emotion. Since this is a prologue to what I assume will be a longer work, you don't need to give us every piece of information, like parents' names, for example, because details like that can be worked into the story later if they are needed.
I think this prologue would have far more impact on the reader if you focused on the emotion, the raw feeling of watching everything you know and love wither away in flame. What would the child notice going? A teddy bear turning black with heat, perhaps? Maybe they would notice little details - the way the nightgown flutters in a breeze, or something. They probably wouldn't know the burns are third-degree. When people are in shock - and having your house burn down is definitely a shock - they don't tend to think coherently, and are likely to focus on small details. You can communicate what is happening to the reader this way, and it will ramp up the sympathy for your narrator.
I'd be interested to see a rewritten version of this, if you post one. Please feel free to message me with one, or if you have any questions about what I've written here.
Happy writing!
Cadi x
This is great! This story was very detailed and quite mysterious in a way. I like it a lot! I think you did a terrific job on tweaking it to be great!
This is a great story so far!
The only thing I found confusing was:
" A sudden wicked grinn that glowed around a black night in front of a blazing home."
Other than that, LOVE IT!!!!
Beautiful!
This part was a little confusing:
When the first chapter is out post it on my wall! This story captured my attention, I would love to read more.
This is really great! The only thing that I felt was a little confusing was [blockquote]a sudden wicked grin that glowed around a black night in front of a blazing home[/blockquote]