Hello there, Impetus9!
This is Moonwatcher here for a Review Day review!
I want to point out how choppy, and hard the poem is to read. There seems to be no stanzas, no punctuation, and the text is completely in italics. This may be a stylistic choice, but not all poems work very well like this. I suggest adding stanzas, punctuation, and removing the italics, as I feel like it'd fit the poem better. It'd make it far less choppy, and far easier to read. If you choose not to do this, I'm curious as to why you formatted your poem like this.
I notice there's a subtle/slant rhyme throughout the poem, including minor repetition. My biggest piece of advice: burn the rhyme. My reasoning for this is because I feel as if rhyme constricts the author's freedom, which affects the poem. It causes limitation of the authors vocabulary, and this may block the feelings/images/emotions that the author is trying to convey. I suggest trying out free-verse poetry, and getting a little bit more loose, trying to avoid rhyme and let your words roam freely. As for the minor repetition, it doesn't count as a rhyme if you say the same word twice in a row. Try coming up with something original without repeating yourself, and without giving the reader information that you've already given them before.
I suggest improving your use of metaphor/imagery, but as I have mentioned before, it seems somewhat constricted already. So once more, I suggest trying to write some free-verse, and let your words and imagination roam free, hand in hand.
That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope this review helps, and have a great day! ^-^
Points: 11345
Reviews: 117
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