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In the mind of a king

by Impetus9


Teach me how to be good

And how to set right the mood

Take me deep to the hoods

Somewhere far from the books

We don’t have to worry our looks

We are better without the makes

If we get to the edge babe

Let me hold you so close till we touch the other side

You don’t have to be anyone else

You and I are what we need tonight…

I was so lonely before I met you

That I can’t deny

My nights were cold and days long

Maybe I was longing for these days

When I could hold you again

I was told take caution

But life is so nice when the caution is thrown in the wind

They said you only live once

I think those are lies

You live daily and die once

Don’t listen to what the folks say

They don’t have a hint what we have been through

They only see us on the out

When I tell them I am okay

They want to judge the way I live

If you can’t understand my silence

You don’t deserve my words

If you did not starve with me

Don’t feast with me

Life is too precious to be living with actors and actresses

Point blank

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117 Reviews

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Sun Oct 30, 2016 8:50 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...

Hello there, Impetus9!

This is Moonwatcher here for a Review Day review!

I want to point out how choppy, and hard the poem is to read. There seems to be no stanzas, no punctuation, and the text is completely in italics. This may be a stylistic choice, but not all poems work very well like this. I suggest adding stanzas, punctuation, and removing the italics, as I feel like it'd fit the poem better. It'd make it far less choppy, and far easier to read. If you choose not to do this, I'm curious as to why you formatted your poem like this. :D

I notice there's a subtle/slant rhyme throughout the poem, including minor repetition. My biggest piece of advice: burn the rhyme. My reasoning for this is because I feel as if rhyme constricts the author's freedom, which affects the poem. It causes limitation of the authors vocabulary, and this may block the feelings/images/emotions that the author is trying to convey. I suggest trying out free-verse poetry, and getting a little bit more loose, trying to avoid rhyme and let your words roam freely. As for the minor repetition, it doesn't count as a rhyme if you say the same word twice in a row. Try coming up with something original without repeating yourself, and without giving the reader information that you've already given them before.

I suggest improving your use of metaphor/imagery, but as I have mentioned before, it seems somewhat constricted already. So once more, I suggest trying to write some free-verse, and let your words and imagination roam free, hand in hand.

That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope this review helps, and have a great day! ^-^

User avatar
216 Reviews

Points: 93
Reviews: 216

Sun Oct 30, 2016 9:19 am
DivergentDemigod wrote a review...

Hello Impetus9,

Well I'm doing this on my phone so please forgive any errors ...

...Now for the review...

First off the title of your poem is really attractive. So you can take that as a pro.

I see you haven't used any punctuation marks and let me tell u how difficult it makes to read the poems. You should use it. Some may say it is there writing style or something but trust me punctuation makes poem better. Add comas and full stops when you need to pause.

Also dividing the poem into stanzas maybe other thing that you would like to try. It makes the poem more organised.

Now about the poem...

I see you have used rhymes in it. But at some places it sounds forced and seems that u used the words u used only because it was rhyming wothte previous one. Trust me I'm not against rhyming poems to be honest I write rhyming poems too but I also believe that it limits the writer. Another thing is until and unless your rhymes sounds easy and rhythmic the poem doesn't sounds good. So yeah try writing free verse.

They way you started the poem with "teach me" was really good. I liked it.

In the their line where you say "how to set right the mood"

This line sounds awkward. You twisted the line far too much to set it in rhyme with the previous one. This could have been a very effective line. But by twisting it u just took the power of the line away.

"Take me deep to the hoods" I do not understand why you said hoods. And then you say away from books. I get u mean to say that u want to run away from all the school pressure. But I think u should mention it. Cauz books include fictions too. And TO BE HONEST I won't in a million years want to be separated from it.

Take me deep to the hoods
Somewhere far from the books
We don’t have to worry our looks
We are better without the makes

Well... U have a broken rhyme scheme going on here. In the first lines u use the scheme aabb but then it comes down to aaab in rhyming poems u need to make sure u have a perfect sequence going on. So yeah work on that.

So ueah if we neglect the broken thing scheme and the awkward lines, I would say this poem has quite a potential and I u work on it it could be made better.

Keep writing n happy review day.

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Points: 40
Reviews: 0

Wed Oct 26, 2016 5:14 pm
krishaadi0406 says...

Nice work. Liked it very much......!!!!!

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