Chapter 1: The Game
Max
The grand hall. In all its glory was filled with crooks, thugs, and villains; True Competitors. They are the only type of people who have the mindset to truly understand what I am about to tell them.
“How many of them?” I asked my assistant.
“Approximately 150 criminals,” she replies immediately.
“Good. Be sure to notify them of my appearance.”
The assistant nodded and left the room. I looked down to see the competitors warily eyeing each other out. Suspicious stares all around. They don’t trust each other. Good. It’ll make the game more interesting. Now they seem to be taking their seats.
“They are waiting.”
My heart jumped at the sudden voice behind me. I looked back to see my emotionless assistant standing a few feet behind me.
“Please, let me know when you’re about to enter the room,” I said and sighed, because that was the fifth time she’s done it today.
She nodded and moved swiftly to open the door for me. I got up quickly and walked towards the exit. With every step down the stairs, my excitement raised with it. As soon as my feet left the stairs the biggest grin erupted on my face. I walked towards the stage, and faced all of them. What these people were about to hear will change their lives. Either in a good way or in a bad way.
“Good evening,” my voice echoed throughout the hall. “I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay hear in Cuba. The reason why I invited you all is because I want you all to partake in a game.”
I paused to see the reaction; they all seemed confused.
“The game you are about to play has the best reward I can think of. If you can complete this game without expiring, giving up, or getting caught. I promise whoever is the remaining winner, I will give you all of the fortune I own.”
Excited chuckles replaced the confusion.
I smiled to myself. They don’t even know the rules of the game yet.
“I’m sure you all know who I am, how much I’m worth, and what I do. But one thing I’ve never accomplished is hosting the greatest game the world’s ever seen.”
“What I want you to do is to simply kill,” I said calmly
As soon as I finished the saying the word “kill” one of them got out, and left, and a minute later the majority of the audience left, leaving approximately twenty people left. Of course I had been expecting this and that is the reason why I had one hundred armed automatic machine guns ready at the press of a button. I dug my hand into my pocket and acquired the button that activates them. I nodded at the two guards by the door and they locked it. Then I held up the button so that the remaining alive competitors could see. My thumb gently slammed into the death button. Almost immediately a quiet thudding sound seeped into the grand hall. And screams and wails ejected from the same area. It took a good five minutes before the noise died down.
“Anybody else, interested in leaving?” I asked knowing full well the answer.
No answer.
“I’ll take that as a no, then,” I said calmly. “Since there’s not that many of you there is a certain city I want you to compete in.”
Chapter 2: Briefing
Mason
“Got a new job for you,” muffled Officer Riley because of the sausages and eggs in his mouth.
“Pardon?” I asked, barely hearing what he was saying.
“New job,” he said more clearly after he properly chewed and swallowed his food.
“Lemme guess. Finding the cat that ran away from Mrs. Downing,” sarcasm escaped from my mouth.
“A murder case, I want to you to go to the murder scene and find out what happened.”
“You’re giving me a murder case?” I asked shocked because this is the first time since last year that they’ve given me a serious job.
“Yes, and you’ll be working with another officer.”
That’s when he made his appearance. He was dark skinned but had brownish grey eyes. He was also wearing a black long coat with a white shirt, and a red tie. With one look at him, I could tell that he wasn’t a normal officer.
“Detective Mason Marshall, pleased to be you’re acquaintance,” I said introducing myself the most formal way I could. I raised my hand in a fast way so he couldn’t help but look at it. He frowned for a split second then smiled and shook it.
“Special officer James Parker, I look forward to working with you,” he said just as politely if not politer.
“Now that we are all here I can brief you properly about the case,” said Officer Riley.
“Basically, there’s been a murder down on Crescent Avenue. Two murders, actually. The victims were both women, both single and were on their way back from the local bar. We have no active suspects, it could’ve been the perfect case but the killer left a clue.”
“What was it?” I said, asking the question on mine and James’ minds.
“A card on each of the bodies, saying "Let the games begin" with the initial M next to it.”
We all allowed silence to enter the room.
“So it seems like someone intends to play mind games,” said James, interrupting the silence.
“That’s what I want you two to figure out; who did and take them down. Before anything escalates, try to get it done in 48 hours, if possible, we don’t need the media to know about this.”
“You’re dismissed. Good luck,” said Officer Riley, finishing off his briefing.
I nodded my head, and headed for the door, James soon followed.
“Where to first, detective?” Said James as we were both walking through the OPF (Official Police Force) hallway.
“To the café, I’m starving.”
{xD, btw}
Chapter 3: Criminal Minds
Jake
“Yeah, I killed those two,” said Jake, letting his voice trail off.
“At least I got the first kill of the game,” continued Jake, reassuring himself.
He was in a bar with three other contestants who were too weak and scared to make a move. Unlike him, he saw the opportunity and took it. He even killed them with his bare hands. Talk about winner material, thought Jake.
“I’d like to see any of you loser’s take charge,” said Jake, taunting his opposition.
“If it wasn’t for the rules trust me all of you would be dead right now,” said Samson.
Despite the name sounding so manly, his voice was the opposite. He had a high pitched voice as if his voice started to break but never finished.
“Oh really? Because your voice really makes it hard for me to take you seriously,” said Elijah a huge brute who always talked like he is the best but has no action to back it up.
“Actions speak louder than words and you seem quiet in the action department Elijah,” said Cobalt, a guy no one really knows much about other than his stupid nickname he created for himself thought Jake.
“If you’re so keen on takin' action why don’t you do it and stop being a hypocrite. Cobain,” said Elijah in a mocking tone.
“It’s Cobalt,” said Cobalt in an annoyed tone. “And I will, and we will see who the competitor that takes charge is,” said Cobalt, glancing at Jake in the process.
Then without warning he got up and slowly walked to the bathroom.
“So that’s Cobalts’ game, I never knew he was such a creep that he’d end up killing people in a cubicle stall. So unoriginal,” said Jake, smirking because he knew that it was probably the most obvious place to get caught. And murdering someone in a crowded bar wasn’t smart either.{Ah, here's where I got confused with where the women got murdered}
Cobalt came out exactly a minute after he had gone in. And walked straight back to the table swiftly avoiding people on the way back.
“Hey, did ya wash your hands after the took your dump?” joked Elijah laughing.
“Three people will die in ten seconds,” said Cobalt.
Jake thought he was joking, but he had the most serious face Jake had ever seen.
“All of you look to your left.”
They all looked to the left, there were three people sitting in a row at the bar.
“Now in 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.”
Simultaneously the three at the bar collapsed and their bodies slumped and dropped to the floor lazily.
Jakes mouth opened in shock. Samson was quiet and so was Elijah.
People around the bar quickly became aware of the slumped bodies on the floor and more and more people gathered around the bodies. Someone shouted.
“Make way I’m a doctor.”
As if Jake hasn’t heard that one before. Someone trying to be the hero as usual.
He turned to Cobalt. Except for Cobalt wasn’t there. He left a note saying Who takes charge now? Jake rolled his eyes and took the card and crumbled it up. He got up and left, leaving the confused atmosphere around the bar. Also leaving behind Samson and Elijah, who were obviously confused by the three deaths Cobalt had just conjured up.
Just before Jake closed the door he heard.
“They're dead. Wait, what’s this card?”
Jake smiled and remembered one of the rules that Max insisted that they followed.
After every kill make sure you leave the cards that I’ve given to you on the bodies.
From that moment Jake decided to consider all his opponents to be up to his level.
“This is gonna be tough,” said Jake to himself.
Chapter 4: Murder Scene
Mason
“Well, there’s no blood, so the killer most definitely killed the victims by hand,” I said nervously, while looking at the bodies.
“That’s pretty impressive from a criminals’ point of view, killing two people without a drop of blood,” said James sounding impressed.
“How would you know?” I asked him.
“I used to be a criminal,” he grinned. “Why do you think I’m on this case?”
“Something sparked all of this off,” I said, ignoring his rhetorical or not rhetorical question.
I picked the card up that was on the bodies.
“It must have something to do with this,” I said
“Let the games begin…” said James.
After that we said nothing. I walked over to the bodies to really study them. The first one had belonged to a plump woman, small and chubby. Her eyes were still wide open with fear as if the act of murder was still happening to her. Her hair still neatly tied in a bun. She was lying flat on her back, her right hand on her chest and her left on her neck which signified that the murderer had choked her to death. I gently moved her hand that was resting on the neck to get a full view of it.
It looked ugly.
It looked as if the murderer didn’t let go, even after the woman's heart had stopped working, and her breathing had subsided. Her neck was bruised and strained beyond belief, there was not one bit of skin on the neck that was her normal skin color. Her neck was black and blue.
Poor woman. Even though she’ was dead her eyes spoke volumes. All the bad stuff. Fear, shock, distress and despair.
I bent down to search her purse, which was next to her pale face. My hand was trembling slightly as I motioned towards her purse.
This is a whole different world from chasing lost cats.
I stuck my hand in the purse and produced out the accessories that women would normally use for a night out. Lipstick, a small mirror and a brush was among the equipment. I also found a drivers license and credit card. My eyes slowly read the name on the drivers’ license.
"Beatrice Sager" I read. That’s an old fashioned name; unusual name in this decade. Her clothes also told me that she was either going to, or coming back from a club. She was wearing what looked like a tight red dress, which slightly gauged out her breasts against the tight fabric of the material. I dug my hand further into her bag, finding a phone, I looked through the contacts on the phone to find the name "Momma", sitting right below the name "Mike". I pulled out my phone and saved Momma's number. I’m gonna need to break the news. To the mother or Momma in this case.
I moved slowly to the next body to see a skinny dark skinned woman lying next to her, but this time her face is down, and her body was facing upright towards me. The murderer snapped her neck.
Shit.
The woman was wearing a zebra striped dress, and had long black braided hair spread out in different directions, both her arms mangled as if the bones in her arms had cracked out of joint and is pushing against her skin. As if the bones were trying to break out of her brown, smooth skin. Stretching it, but still imprisoned.
I sighed deeply.
The murderer didn’t leave a trace of evidence, the only thing that we can hold onto is the card.
I sighed again and checked her body, to see if she had any items that would be useful in the long run. But the only thing I had gained from that was a cold chill sent up my spine because of how icy cold her motionless body was.
Poor woman…
“This neighborhood is known for being a peaceful and quiet. Rarely any crimes committed,” said James, interrupting my thoughts. “And even when the crimes are committed it’s on a miniature scale.”
I looked away from the dark skinned woman to properly look at the neighborhood. Across the street the houses were neatly next to each other, all of them looked exactly the same, the only thing that differentiated the houses were the colors. Further down the street there was a small park, with a swing and slide. Even with two bodies in front of me the atmosphere was serene and quiet. It’s as if the neighborhood was in a state of peace itself.
Why?
I looked back at the houses a second time. All the curtains were closed in every single house, as if they want to ignore the death of two young women right in front of them. In their own neighborhood. I looked at my Alpha watch. It was only 5:00p.m., although it’s dark because of winter. But, still, people should be here.
I fumbled around in my pockets to find a cigarette, but all I pulled out was my lighter, and apartment keys.
Crap.
I forgot that I had gone on a cigarette strike ever since I started watching those documentaries of how bad smoking is and the damage it does in the long ru-
A sudden high pitched shrill sound pulled my head out of the cloud of thoughts, and brought my attention back to reality.
I dug my left hand into my left pocket and found were {wrong word of some sort, not quite sure what you did here} the annoying loud sound was coming from. I looked at the caller I.D.
Officer Riley.
What now?
I pressed the green phone icon on the small brick like shaped phone. To think in 2030 they still have phones like this.
I lifted up the phone to my ear.
“Detective M. Marshall.”
“You know where the View is, right?” asked Officer Riley at the other end of the line, sounding irritated.
“Y-Yeah.”
“I need you there. Now.”
“Why?”
“Three murders, in the bar.”
My heart dropped, the only word that could come out of my mouth was“Shit.”
“Gotta go,” said Officer Riley, ignoring my language. “These criminals are giving me aheadache.”
Right after that the next sound was the dial tone. I put the phone back into my pocket, and turned to James.
“We’ve gotta move, three more murders. Further down Rear street, in the View.”
James eyes widened a little, and then nodded.
James
“Could you clear this up?” I said turning back to the young pathologists. They nodded and began to cover up the bodies.
“We’ll give you the full report of the cause of the deaths at headquarters,” said one of them.
“Alright see you there.”
I turned to the police car to see Mason sitting in there both hands on the steering wheel. His dark brown eyes giving off no emotion but his facial expression betraying him. He looked worried, angry and slightly scared all at the same time. I guess he’s new to this kind of stuff. I moved quickly to open the door and as soon as I entered the passenger seat next to him he pressed the peddle, I would’ve fallen out of the seat if it wasn’t for the auto belt, which straps you in the car, as soon as it senses you. His attitude has changed ever since he saw the first body. I closed the door, as the black vehicle rode through the night. I looked outside pastthe double glassed window to see the bright lights of the metropolis as we traveled further into the belly of the city. The further we went the more lights shone through the darkness. Lamplights, TV screens, flashing posters. It looked beautiful in a way, distracting the tourists from the gritty truth. Moor City, once a famous city that had the highest employment rates in the country. Now it’s an infamous city only known for crimes and illegal activity. But still, tourists come, just for the lights. Because in truth, this city shines so bright that you become awe struck, even if you’ve lived here for 21 years, still the urban landscape illuminates. If you look at the lights long enough, it kind of blinds you from the poverty and sin. That hangs around the city like a dirty odor.
The black car came to a gentle halt.
Mason sighed, took the seat belt strap off himself then got out. I soon followed, just to see a huge crowd around the View.
“Shit!” I heard Mason say to himself
My feelings exactly.
Going to be a long night.
Chapter 5: Thoughts
Elijah
Elijah knew what he was going to do. The Official Police Force would be on the scene quickly, and he would be the eye witness that tells the police everything.
Everything
Elijah smiled to himself. One down, nineteen to go.
Mason
The crowd in front us literally blocked us from entering. Their stupid chatter revolving around The View.
They’re pissing me off.
I clenched my teeth and was just abouttoopen my mouth, but a hefty hand gently landed on my right shoulder. I looked back to see James smiling, his brownish grey eyes calm and still.
“I’ve got this,” he said, moving in front of me.
He quickly stuck his hand in his pocket, and brandished out the OPF badge.
“Move!” Bellowed James, he shouted in a way that made me jump and silenced every single person in the crowd. “OPF coming through!”
He held the OPF badge up high so that everybody could see. The crowd blocking the door migrated to the left in silence.
James moved in first confidently, ducking under the yellow "Do Not Cross" tape, smiling vaguely. I quickly walked after him as we entered the View.
James
There were two people in the bar. Besides the ambulance, one of them was wearing glasses, with black simp-like hair, and a creased white shirt. Breaking the rules of personal space.
"You're late," he said quietly, his face expressionless and his voice emotionless without tone.
"And you are?" I said slightly confused.
"OPF Detective, Ben Hampshire. Officer Riley should have told you two about that I'll be working to assist you two,"
"Well he didn't," replied Mason, in a hostile tone.
"This is my partner Alecia Williams," said Ben looking back indicating that the woman behind him was Alecia Williams.
She had long black silky hair that was done in a pony tail, her blue eyes beady and slightly further apart from each other. Her head shape was oval and she was wearing a black shirt that was buttoned up all the way to end. From the waist line below it was all black, her trousers and shoes were the same color as her shirt. The matching black clothes ended up being a contrast to her pale white skin. She opened her mouth
"Detective, Alecia Willi-"
"We can drop the formalities, since we're all going to be working together. Mason nice to meet you," interrupted Mason his tone of voice totally changed since seeing Alecia.
Oh, I see now.
I glanced back at Mason, who was now smiling and offering his hand for a greeting.
Alecia grabbed his hand and shook it firmly. She then turned to me and shook my hand, she moved in a bland kind of fashion. It was as if she was a robot, she didn't even smile during our greetings at all.
I looked over towards the three bodies.
"Cause of death?"
"We've deducted that it's either poisoning, or natural causes." Answered Ben continuing in his toneless voice.
Mason
"Natural causes? They look young, too young to die from natural causes. It's got to be something else," I argued.Then I walked over to the bodies to find out that they belonged to guys that looked around my age; 24.
"Even so there have been cases where people as young as 16 have died from brain anuerisms," argued back Ben as his eyes narrowed in the process.
"But three people in a row? That's... not right," agreed James.
"Even so life is uncertain," replied Ben defending his case.
Life is uncertain? Of course it is.
"But as James said, it's three people in a row. In a bar. Which is located in the middle of the city. In the evening," I said, and my voice slightly started to rise. "Poisoning happens on multiple occassions, and the most obvious place is a bar. Use your common sense," I added.
"You forget that you have to look at all of the sides of possibilities," Ben's dry tone of voice remained consistent. "Stop acting like a blind dog that can only see one image."
One eyebrow raised at that remark.
I turned around and headed for the door.
If I stayed any longer I'm pretty sure somebody's nose would be broken.
"I'm going to question the people outside." I declared, " Or did you two already do that?"
"Nope, we left it for you two to take care of." Replied the voice that belonged to Alecia.
"Oh, I see," my head still unturned as I opened the door. "I'll let you know if I find anybody with information."
James
And with that, he was gone. The door swinging behind him.
Awkward silence consumed the room, as the three of us stood there, saying nothing. I looked at both of them. They looked lifeless and still.
Mason was smart to leave.
"Yup..." I whispered to myself.
He better hurry up.
Mason
The cold wind slapped me across the face as soon as I stepped outiside. It has turned considerably colder since the first crime. The crowd had cleared off. There were only a few people left hanging around. Before I could take another step, someone with a huge presence blocked my path.
A huge dark skinned man, with brown foggy eyes, towered over me. Despite the coldness, he was wearing a green tank top, and loosely fitted cargo pants.
"Sir?" Was the word that came out of his mouth. His voice, surprisingly nondeep.
I looked up to the tall tower of a man.
"I think I have an idea of who the Murderer is."
My eyebrows dropped into a frown.
"So you witnessed the whole thing."
"Yessir i did." His voice convincing me that he was a southerner
Not many of them around these days.
"Okay, hold on for a second."
My eyes slowly dropped towards my Alpha watch. I touched the menu, scrolled down past the lists of useless options and touched the notepad. instantly a small blue hologram of a keyboard and a screen appeared from the watch.
I looked back up to see the tall man still towering over me.
"Name?"
"Elijah Williams"
"Age?"
"32"
"Occupation?"
He froze for a few seconds, as if he was thinking what to say next.
"Mill worker"
I began to type in everything he had just told me. I was aware of his foggy eyes looking down on me. I didn't need to look up to know that he was staring straight at me.
"Okay, begin with what you were doing here first, Mr. Williams."
He took a step back, and shifted his weight to the left uncomfortably. He sighed and then began to speak.
"I was just, waitin' to meet my cousin, who lives around here. So I was waitin' for him in the bar, because we were supposed to meet there so he could show me the city."
"And?"
He realized the haste in my voice and took the hint.
"That's when I seen an odd lookin' fella', he walked in, and quietly sat at the table next to me he wa-"
"How did he look like, Mr. Williams" I said interupting him.
"Well.. err, he was a tall man.. About my height, he was also wiry and thin." He paused for a few seconds. In those few seconds, it looked as if he was recalling the thoughts he had just a few hours ago."He also had grey hair, almost turning white. He had wrinkles all over his face an-"
"So he was an elderly man?"
"Yes sir"
"What did he do next?"
"Well.. he kept to himself a lot. Never ordered anything. Then just got up to walk to the toilet"
"Only for a few seconds, he came out pretty quickly walking past the three guys that collapsed after he left."
How?
If what he's saying is true then, the murderer killed them without doing anything.
"Okay" I sighed, and pulled out the contracter from my overcoat pocket. "Give me your left hand."
"Not gonna propose are you?" He joked, laughing nervously at the his own joke that wasn't funny.
"Just give me your left hand."
He stretched it out sheepishly towards me.
"This is going to hurt. Sorry"
Right after that i slammed the contracter down on his arm with enough impact so the microchip would embed itself into his hand.
He grimaced with pain almost immediately.
"Now we know where you are at all times, it's just precaution. If we find out your story is false, we will find and arrest you."
"..Okay"
Elijah
The detective turned around and walked back to the bar, Elijahs' eyebrows deepened.
"Shit" Elijah muttered to himself, consoling his left hand with his right. Rubbing the spot were the microchip had been thrust into. He walked away quickly from the scene before the detective would come back to inject anything else into him. It would only be a hindrance to his plan.
He pulled out his small notebook from his back pocket, opened the pages and swiped the pen that was residing between the pages. He flipped the pages until he stopped at a page where all of the criminals names were neatly listed in cursive. He clicked the pen and drew a line through Cobalt's name.
He walked towards Motel 101 where all the other criminals that were on his death list lurked.
He quickly ran up the stairs to his room, entered the keys into the rusted door knob pushed the door entered the room. And slammed the door with conviction behind him.
Elijah needed to move fast. If he was to convince the police that he lived in Cobalts' room he would be safe and Cobalt would be incarcerated. He ran into the kitchen that was somehow the livingroom too, and shot out his hand towards the drawer pulled it out slowly despite the haste he was given off. He scanned the contents of the drawer and found a large butcher knife. He grabbed the butcher knife and pushed back the drawer fast. He reached out towards the kitchen towel and snatched it. He turned to the counter top and swiftly laid everything out in front of him. His face showing no emotion.
He slowly straightened out the towel, and with the same pace rested his left hand against it. With his right hand he took the butcher knife and gripped it tight. He raised it up and slammed it down, with as much force as possible. The shining metal knife cutting through the air before it sliced half of Elijahs' wrist off.
He immediately gasped with pain, suddenly feeling the heat of the room.
The pain was unbearable. Elijah, on the verge of screaming kept on going. He started to cut deeper. Sawing through his bone as the blood around his wrist began to increase. He kept on sawing through, his right hand doing all the work. His eyes fully concentrated on the sea of blood that was pouring out of his wrist. Every part of his body tensed. He gritted his teeth, closing his eyes as he lifted the knife just a bit and brought it down hard. He choked back a scream, stumbling back as he wrapped his stump up as tight as he could with one hand. He looked at his towel that was messily wrapped around his stump. The towel crimson red with his sinful blood. He staggered over towards the grungy bathroom. Elijahs' evening of pain wasn't over.
James
I opened my eyes to see Mason next to me, hands on the steering wheel.
"Finally awake eh?" said Mason blankly. This evening has obviously taken a toll on him. His eyebrows had locked into a frown. His eyes looked like they had sunken down into his skin, making him look like he hadn't slept for days. His knuckles where white from gripping the steering wheel too hard. He was thinking. And by the looks of it, it wasn't pleasant thoughts. I looked up ahead to see the OPF building looming right in front of us, as the black car descended towards the bright building. The car travelled straight into the car park next to it, Mason smoothly manuevered the car to swiftly turn and park. He pulled the keys out abruptly and got out of the car quickly, not saying one word.
I opening the door and left. I yawned and headed towards The OPF station.
Chapter 6: Seeds of Fire
Samson
Samson watched him.
His beautiful son unfurling itself.
Dancing on his hand.
Moving left to right, flickering happily because he was home.
On his hand.
He didn't feel pain at all.
Just joy.
He looked up to see his other son.
Roaring loudly over the screams.
His elder son growing stronger from the house.
The shadows in the house dancing around in celebration.
They understand this moment.
The moment when his son becomes a man.
He whispered to his younger son, also watching.
"Don't worry, you will also have this moment.
Just be patient.
The time will come.
Part 2
Elijah
I smiled. Grinned even. Seeing the words "The mystery bar suspect revealed. Anthony "Cobalt" Lucien Jr arrested today at the Motel 101. More of the story on page 5..."
I closed the newspaper with my one hand and managed to the throw it away with the same hand. I looked up at the sun that never shined as it should. I guess polution will do that to any sun in any world.
With one down, I need to take out every single criminal without killing them. I laughed again.
I'm like an undercover detective.
Cobalt
A violent knock woke up Cobalt from his sleep. He licked his dry lips, which tasted metallic. He slowly rose from the bed, just to grimace in pain. The jail cell bed was the worst. It didn't even feel like a bed. It just felt like the floor which was one foot below him. He rubbed his neck because that also ached. He realised that his whole body ached by the time he got up. He then also realised that he had nothing to do than sleep, by just looking around the room. The only thing there other than the bed was a stained metal toilet.
"Shit" He said to himself.
He put his hands to his head and fell back on the bed. Which gave him more back pain but he didn't care. How did the police find him? It must have been one of them. At the bar.
It didn't matter to Cobalt anymore.
He was caught.
He was out of the game.
The metal vault looking door across him started to unlock. The door slowly swayed open. Cobalt instantly looked up to see two unfamaliar faces. The one on the left smirking and the one on the right... Well he had no facial expression.
"You look like shit." Remarked the one on the left.
"Please come with us." Said the the one on the right. Sighing as he waited for Cobalt to struggle to get up. He walked towards them as they turned to leave.
Cobalt stumbled towards them.
"Damn, bed" Cobalt muttered to himself.
The hallway was noisy. The inmates where loud and banging on the bars and shouting for attention.
Unfortunately one of them did catch Cobalt's attention and it was the ugliest inmate of them all. He had a sleek and slender eyes, a long and piercing nose and if wasn't for the teeth which was as jagged and sharp as broken glass he wouldn't have thought that he resembled a shark. What was even more disturbing was that the same inmate grinned and licked his lips in a dangerously suggestive manner.
Cobalt shivered and looked away.
After a short walk, Cobalt arrived at a door and the officers in front of him stopped and beckoned him to open the door. He took the gesture, turned the handle and pushed the door to see two people in there. It was an odd situation because both was in contrast to each other. One was smiling and the other was frowning.
Cobalt smirked at them, trying not to laugh at how stupid they look.
"I'm suprised that you can still produce a smile, in your current situation it looks like you'll be seeing these walls for the rest of your life." Said the one who had his eyebrows locked downward.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Petes!
Hi, Petes! Hi. *waves ebulliently*
I'm here to review. Or something like that. =D Lol.
Alright. First, I want to talk about the punctuation when it comes to the dialogue! I know it can be a mess! But that's what I'm here for; to help you out with that. xD
That red period should be a comma, and the "s" from "she" shouldn't be capitalized. Why? Because this is all the same sentence; you're telling us what she replied. If you would've said: "Approximately 150 criminals." She looked at him. Then the period would've been acceptable given that they are two different sentences. I noticed you kept making the same mistake throughout the whole piece, but sometimes it made me think you are insecure about what is correct. Hopefully, I've expressed myself clearly there (if not, feel free to PM me and I'll get you real help... from Google xD).
Also, I would love to see more details and descriptions in between the dialogues. Your story made me curious and kept wondering many things, like... What the characters were doing as they talked, what was happening around them, what they were feeling and thinking about the situation, and--- I mean, these kind of things would let us get to know the characters better.
It's funny! Because you showed you have the potential in this paragraph:
So it would be really nice if you worked on those things. ;] I'll have an eye on your works! And... yeah, I think I'm done. xD C'ya around!
~GeeLyria
Hey there!
Ok well I have to admit I did try to search for "The Game Chapter 4" before I realised you edited your work for every new chapter.
So after reading the fourth chapter I have to say this, the storyline is there. You do cover the sequence of events leading up to the murder and that's what makes it interesting. What isn't however is how you describe the detectives working on the crime scene. The description is somehow monotonous and lacking any feel or emotion. You did try to describe how scared the detective felt but I didn't really see it in his body actions or movements. You just said he was scared, you didn't show it. Usually, when a person is fearful their hands start to sweat and they tremble alot. Show this in your story.
There were some words that were oddly used in this story.
"I entered my hand in the purse and produced out the equipment that women would normally use for a night out. Lipstick, small mirror and a brush was among the equipment."
I "entered" my hand? I think the word you were searching for was "stuck" maybe? Also, I don't think the word "equipment" would fit too well here. No doubt he's a police officer but using equipment to describe items in a woman's purse just isn't that proper.
During the point when the detective was searching the woman's body I expected many thoughts to come from him. Like how he interpreted each evidence that he found. However what you did was describe his actions, what he found and such. For a mystery novel like this the readers need to see the protagonist in action. Not just what you described but how the detective thinks too.
Dialogue wise I found a little monotonous too. It sounds a little fake and artificial at times. Also, you used the word "shit" a little too many times and it got repetitive.
My advice for this is to do a little bit of research for how crime scenes are usually worked on. That will give a realistic feel to your story and readers will definitely enjoy it more.
Hope my review helped!
The concept is very interesting here, and I would honestly like to see more from this. I like stories like these. Something like the Hunger Games but much more of a thriller type.
I agree with John, it was way too fast paced. Everything. The different scenes in th hall, the office, and even the pub. You were showing, not telling. One of the basic rules of writing is to describe describe and describe. What did the hall look like? Was it a grand hall adorned with lots of furniture? Were there chandeliers hung from the ceiling? Was the stage that the character standing on elevated? Lots of details like these are what makes the story interesting.
The dialogue part sounds too monotonous altogether. Each character has the same way of talking, and it could seem like the same person is talking each time someone speaks. Since they're criminals they should be pretty rough too right? Have them challenge each other or so. Or maybe some of them are higher class villains. Let him have their own unique way of acting, and speaking.
During the part when Cobalt poisoned the three men, what exactly did he do? You said he walked to the bathroom. Did he then pass by the three people at the bar. And if so did any of the others see it? Describe in detail what happened, since this is a key point in the story.
I find your style of writing to be very simple and short. The dialogue itself isn't lengthy and doesn't carry much style. What you need to improve on is description and character.
Hope my review helped!
Thanks!, i'll try to describe my characters more throughout the book, and liven up the dialogue to make it more unique and different for each character. So please keep reading!
Thanks for the review! it really did help!
This concept you have come up with is very interesting. I reminds me of The Most Dangerous Game, but it is slightly different and a bit more thrilling.
You need to slow everything down. The pace was far too fast and the chapters were far too small for me to truly comprehend anything about your story. Develop your characters. Give the officers as much personality as you gave the murderers. You need for readers to become connected to your characters so that they will care if something happens to them.
Your dialogue did not seem real to me. It was too artificial. You need to read your dialogue aloud to yourself to see if someone would actually say the things you are writing. When dialogue isn't real, the story because less real to the reader.
Overall, all of your chapters need to be extended and need to be given detail. I am very interested in your story. I am officially invested in it. Please, continue writing and keep me posted. I can't wait to read more. Happy Writing!
thank you!, i really appreciate the advise, i myself too felt as if the chapters were too short, and the next chapters will be more detailed and more longer once again thanks!