Published July 28, 2026
Chapter 4: no time for kisses!!
My heart thumped as Luna pitifully looked at the screen. Unable to help, I felt useless. “Ah!” I said as I felt my thighs burn. I took the key out of my pocket with shaking hands. I gasped as I watched the key turn into a pendant. It flew over my head, gracefully wrapping itself around my neck.
The pendant pulsed with a rhythmic, warm light that matched my heartbeat. As it settled against my chest, the heat from Blaze’s claws on my head suddenly vanished. He let out a small whimper and slid off my hair, shrinking until he was no larger than a tennis ball. I heard a finger snap, and there she was, Luna. but she was in a cage, captured by Little dragons wearing visors. The amber glow in Blaze’ eyes faded, replaced by a look of sheer terror. “The Heart of the Shops,” Frogbert whispered, his jaw dropping. “It hasn’t chosen a Keeper in decades.” Orion growled at the surroundings. “Who were the last?” I asked. “Two best friends. Thomas Evergreen and Julian Thorne.” He said. “But… Thomas Evergreen is my father,” I said. David seemed shocked as well. “Julian Thorne is my father…” He said. We stared at each other. “No time for kisses,” Frogbert said. I turned red. But he was right. We needed a plan- STAT! I noticed a dragon facing backwards. They bumped into each other. They couldn’t see! Then I remembered. My raccoon drawings. I had drawn raccoons with magic hats, trying to make something like Luna. I dashed home in “hey!”s and “Come back!”s. But I didn’t turn back. I barged in the door, and rushed into my room without even taking my shoes off. I ripped my drawing off the wall, and hurried back. I covered whatever was filming us, and put my drawing on top of it. “Luna’s right here! Who do you think you have?” I asked. “What? But-” Amber stuttered. “But- But-” “I won't let you hurt them, father,” he said. I turned around. Blaze wasn’t a little dragon anymore. He was giant.
"A Shadow-Crested Dragon," Orion said, stepping back. Blaze’s scales, which had been a dull orange, were now shimmering like polished obsidian. His wings unfurled, knocking over old crates, and his tail swept through the golden mist like a scythe. "I am not your shadow anymore, Father!" Blaze’s voice was no longer a squeak; it was a rumble that shook the very foundations of the shop. On the monitor, the "Amber" entity shrieked—a sound like metal grinding on metal. My drawing of the raccoon was pulsing with the light from my pendant, creating an illusion so real that the camera lens was completely fooled. To Amber, it looked like Luna had vanished, but I knew the real Luna was still in that cage, shivering. "Now!" I screamed. David didn't hesitate. He took the cage key, and dived into the lock. He sprung back as he yelled,"Autumn, get her!" David yelled. My sister dived through the mist, her hands catching the small raccoon just as the cage dissolved into orange sand. But we weren't out of the woods yet. Amber’s glow erupted from the floor. The warehouse was being pulled apart by golden-green vines. "Thomas Evergreen and Julian Thorne couldn't stop me twenty years ago," Amber hissed, the voice coming from everywhere at once. "What makes two children think they can?" “You're right. Us two can’t, ” I said. “But WE can!” “Ha. Pathetic. I’ll give you some time, you’re no fun battling right now.” He said. “You know that's what all the weak villains say…ri-” Autumn said, inspecting her nails. “SHUT UP! Now BYE!” He said, the screen reflecting autumn’s bored face.
We stood in silence for a moment, the tension of the "battle" evaporating into nothing. Then Autumn sighed, turning her hands over. “Ugh, my nail polish is chipped. Can we go redo it?” We all laughed at that. We headed home to fix her minorly inconvenienced nails.
Chapter 5: Journey to ShroomVille
I kept walking. I didn’t know what time it was, or where I was headed. But I kept walking. My mind wandered to a memory. A memory that felt… distant. One that didn’t feel like mine. A man’s voice. A woman’s. They’re calling my name, but it sounds blurry. They’re picking me up. Then as if I’m not supposed to remember it, it stops, snapping me back to reality. It’s like something’s stopping me from remembering it. I kept trying to remember. But I was stuck there, my memory frozen. I took another step as I got myself focused. The voices. The picking up. Oh, something new! It was- “Ahhhh!” something interrupted, small voices shrieking from somewhere. I paused my step and stepped back, surprised. I kneeled down gently and stared. Before my very eyes were a small village, with small creatures the size of my palm. They appeared to be some sort of mushroom-people, and as I stared in awe, a small voice shrieked, “Who are you!” I could see small children behind her, and I gently put my hand out to say hi. They seemed suspicious but climbed on, where I pet their heads. It felt soft, almost like a stuffed animal. I let them slide down my hand, and back to their mother. The mother side eyed me.“Don’t worry, I’m not here to hurt you. Nice to meet you guys, I’m Summer Evergreen,” I said. I stuck out a finger to shake. “Evergreen?” A child asked, fazed. “Yes, why?” I asked, confused. “That’s the name of our hero,” she said, her eyes glistening with awe. “Thomas Evergreen. And Julian Thorne.” My eyes widened with surprise. They knew my father? And David’s too? And had she just called them their hero? “Thomas is my dad… and Julian is my friend’s.” I said. “Woah!!! Is he with you?” She asked curiously. “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen him for 9 years.” I replied, petting her head. “Aww,” she said, sticking her bottom lip out. She still skipped around the village, telling people the hero’s daughter had returned. I saw dozens of these people, climbing out and asking me questions all at once. But even then, I saw them. A small group whispering to each other- they didn’t believe me. “Hey,” I called out. “I’m really his daughter.” They turned around, staring at me. “We don’t believe you. Prove it.” One of them said, “How? There’s no DNA test or anything.” I reminded them. “No. Show us the pendant. It knows family.” He said. “Alright,” I said, taking off the pendant. He examined it closely. “It’s true! She is his daughter!” He announced. They joined the excited. One of them brought out some kind of gun. “Wait, what’re you gonna do with-” I said. I shut my eyes. Bright light spilled through my eyelids. I opened one eye, and realized, I was as small as these mushroom people! I gasped. My eyes darted around. The kid from earlier came up to me. “Hiii,” she said. “I’m Bella. And it’s time you know why we shrunk you.” She grabbed me by the hand and took me to a guarded door. Two guards crossed their two sticks together and told us, “Forbidden to enter unless the daughter of the hero returns.” A person from the crowd brought my pendant. The guard examined it closely. He side eyed me. oh no.“Wait, Doug, I can't tell if that’s two lines or three. I don't have my glasses.” He said. Phew! Doug took the pendant and stared into it. “That’s three lines. C’mon in,” he said. He opened the door and Bella accompanied me inside. I found a table. It had a beautiful wedding ring, an envelope, and something in a box. I took the wedding ring. It was engraved with waves and curls, flowers and vines everywhere. I put it on. Perfect size. I opened the envelope gently. It read,
Dear my summer,
I know this isn’t what you would’ve
pictured doing. But it’s your responsibility
now. Whatever you do, do not trust blaze
even when it seems he is on your side. He
is trying to get inside information. Don’t
forget, I love you. Be careful.
love,
dad
This didn’t feel like my dad. He didn’t call me “his summer”- he called me “Summie”. But maybe he changed when he left us. I folded the letter back into the size of my hand and tucked it into my pants pocket. I opened the box. Inside was a key, a normal house key. I clutched it tight, pretending to know what it was for. “shall we head out?” Bella asked. I nodded quietly, and the big door shut behind us. Everyone had gone back home. Bella guided me to the exit, and gave me my pendant. She took the gun from earlier, spun a wheel around, and rayed me. I was back to normal. The sun was setting, and I was on yet another grass field. Something flashed before me. I slumped down. “Woah,” I said to myself. My vision went blue. I thought these were supposed to be black, I thought to myself. Something bright zoomed by me. That's when I realized I was in water. But breathing. It came back, and it looked like a squid, but it was dotted out with blue light. Like a constellation. I stared in awe as it gently wrapped around my arm and led me to a line of doors. Then it dragged me to the last one, past the rainbow, dark & gloomy, and-transparent?-doors. Then we stopped at a wooden door. Compared to the others I had seen, this one was awfully plain. That’s when I felt something in my pocket. The key from Shroomville. I gently pulled it out and examined it. I don't know what told me to, but I confidently stuck the key inside the knob. Click. Screeeeech. It showed my dad. “Dad!” I yelled, rushing to hug him. My hand whiffed through him. “Wha-” i said, confused. He walked right through me. “Summie!” he called. A little kid-about 5- rushed to him. “Daddy!” she called. Is that me? I thought. Dad took the little me outside, to the sidewalk. He ran to get me my scooter. Little me started wandering. Oh, no, no, no… I thought, terrified of what might happen. A pickup truck was speeding my way. “No! Summer!”my dad yelled, dropping the scooter. He ran and shoved me off the road. Screech. Crash! Beep, beep, beep, beep….pfftt. The driver jumped off and called 911. Mom ran out, screaming. 10-year old Autumn was watching by the doorway. I ran to my sister’s embrace. She hugged me tight. The scene transitioned into a hospital room. Little me sat in a chair, playing with my toys. I heard my mom cry, and little me looked over. She observed her nodding. A doctor came and pulled a cord. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeep.The constellation squid appeared again. It gently led me out. The door closed. It wasn’t plain anymore- painted with dark crimson, it had a photo of my dad. The photo flew away, and an eye opened on the door. It was beautiful. It had a bright blue iris, and long eyelashes- just like mine. It shed red tears as it blinked. I saw a reflection of myself in it. I felt like my chest was being ripped apart. “Where is my dad buried?” I asked the squid with blurry eyes. The squid gave me a soft gaze, almost sympathetically, but didn’t give me an answer. I heard footsteps behind me, which I turned around to. I saw a dark figure. It was holding something I couldn’t quite distinguish- a scythe, maybe? Just as I tried calling for the figure, it disappeared. I was then pulled back to reality. The sun was still there, as if time had frozen. I blamed him for all these years…I realized. Tears started flowing from my eyes. I wiped them with my knuckles but couldn’t catch up. But- wait. If dad died 9 years ago, who wrote the note? I burst open my eyes. I dashed home in a hurry, ready to question whatever they knew. But what I saw wasn’t my house.
It was flames.
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Team Egg! 🥚
It feels like the story is opening in an amazing way. Chapter 4 was full of action, while Chapter 5 managed to slow the pace just a little bit in order to give room for emotional scenes. The pacing felt good and each answer brought a whole new level of mystery.
I suppose that my favorite thing was ShroomVille. The idea of mushroom people seemed to be so cool, and Bella turned out to be a real heart-throb. I couldn't stop laughing at a funny guard who needed to wear his glasses.
What I also liked about the chapter was a memory scene at the end. It completely changed my perception of Summer's background, and the truth about her father's death left me with deep emotions. I think that the following quote was the strongest one in the chapter:
This was an excellent ending of the chapter since it gives you an answer to one question while bringing you a dozen more questions. Showing the house burning was a perfect cliffhanger.
The only thing I can say is that maybe you should separate those revelations a little bit. Blaze's transformation, the letter from Summer's father, the memory and the burning house are all emotionally strong moments, but they are too close to each other.
In general, I enjoyed reading the chapter very much. The world is developing so well and the character's background doesn't lose its importance. Between Heart of the Shops, ShroomVille, mysterious letter and burning house, there is so many stuff that I am eager to know.
An eggcellently good day to you! I have come here for Team Egg so let’s see what you have for us now!
It gives weight to Amber and to the situation!Aww this is one of the stories I missed out on while I was ill back in May. Curious what you’ve got for us here ^^
But first I am a bit confused that you published these chapters out of order xd
Hmmm my first tip for new chapters is actually that, even if you continue right where the last one left off, you might want to set the scene once more. To quickly establish the most important questions: Who is in this scene? Where are they? And why are they here?
Alright for how calm the pendant thing was (she takes out the key herself etc with no comment of being forced), the sudden action feels very overwhelming when Luna appeared!
But if I understood this correctly: she traded herself or the key or something in to get back Luna? Then why is she so surprised that Luna is in a cage…
The paragraph itself is rather messy and hard to read. For easier readability you could remember one rule of thumb: New speaker, new paragraph. That way, you already have natural breaks. It’s easier on the eyes and helps retain reader attention :3
In general, you introduce a few concepts very quickly here without giving them proper time to settle so my final advice will be to not be afraid to slow down the story 😊 Just describe things. Have your characters remember things with emotional impact and the scene will flow together nicely :3 I can understand the need to rush through the scene because you have so many cool things to show, so many cool things you have planned! Sometimes they land better if you take a bit more time tho :3
Ohhh I really like this quote:
The comeback here: is rather weak by comparison XD I think I like Amber, she’s delightfully dramatic!
Hmm sounds like the next chapter starts with the MC remembering their parents? Ohhh that’s the child of those two heroes, I suppose!! Ah never mind.
I kinda read “Julia Thorne” and was all excited to have a boy and a girl be a hero but alas, it’s two boys as per usual.
I like how the mushroom ppl have such a convenient way to verify identity. I think this works v well for the story!
Hmmm it sounds like there is foulplay involved in this message if Summer doesn’t recognize this as her dad’s. Innnteresting!
Ohh that flashback ☹ I guess even heroes are not immune to car crashes…. And she didn’t even know that? That her dad is dead? I wonder why she immediately assumes the vision/dream she has shows the truth… maybe part of her magic powers tho.
I love the ending to your chapter!
#TrustTheEgg
Thank you! So the mc summer is kind of a freaking girl, its a girl and guy plus julian thorne and the other name are their fathers☺️