The room was bright, lit with one single bulb. The walls were a blue, a bright blue, covered in posters of faces and names that never seemed recognizable to me. The bed was small, twin-sized, and wrapped in a soft comforter the same color as the walls. There was a small desk in the corner, misused and abandoned. No dresser. No closet. No windows.
"Who was here before me?" I thought, "Where was I?"
remembering or recalling nothing, I set my suitcase down on the plush white carpet, the door closing behind me.
"Where was I?" I thought again.
I remembered nothing of this place or who I was.
"Is this where they kept all the female teens who have the same issue as me, memory?" I thought.
I reached for my hair, long brown wavy, and tucked it behind my ears, beginning to unpack the belongings claimed to be mine and placing it all on the tiny desk or underneath the tiny bed. Finished with the task, I sat on the blue bed, confused and almost clueless.
"Who was I?" I thought over and over again, trying to figure it out.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey Imagination! Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
Can you think of a different word than "bright" to use in one of these instances?
The single bulb thing made me think that it was a hostile place, but now it seems to be someone's home. Maybe you need to change that first sentence.
Do you mean where were they before they entered this room, or where they are at this point in time. If it's the second instance, it should be "Where am I?" because it's in inverted commas and... well, yeah. If it was "Once again, I wondered where I was" that would be okay, but with the speech marks it sounds weird.
Again, it should be "keep."
And once more, "Who am I?"
II. WAS, WAS, WAS
This isn't a reference to the tense problems I just pointed out, but rather to your voice. The room was bright, there were posters all over the walls, there was a desk in the corner. It's all very tell rather than show, and it's very passive.
Try rephrasing. Say things like "A single bulb lit up the room. It revealed bright blue walls, plastered with unfamiliar posters" etc. It doesn't take much more vocabulary, it makes things more interesting and will engage us as a reader.
Try going through your work and every time you say "was," replace it with something! You'll be amazed how much it can change your writing.
III. OVERALL
This is a very interesting and promising beginning.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
This is interesting. I don't have much to say since you didn't post very much and stylistically there wasn't much of a voice, but I honestly think it looks promising. To improve the small section you have here I'd say you might want to make the tone a little less blank. Although i can't completely commit to that since I kind of liked the simplicity, and it's something that might work well depending on the subsequent plot. So if you post more, tell me! thanks!