Chapter 2
The next morning I woke up on my bed, I must've fallen asleep crying that night as my pillow was still wet. I rolled over and stared out the window to get a glance of Faerquine Castle before I got up. It looked as mighty as ever, with it's beautiful grey stone walls and high towers, standing on the high hill looking down on our small village. I ran the thought of me going up there around and around in my head, I needed to go up there, the Blood Moon was coming and when it did I would be there, on the hill. I lay on my back staring at the dull ceiling in my bedroom, then I remembered. Jack! I'd met him yesterday and i'd promised to meet him again today! I quickly jumped up and slipped on a pair of my black jeans and a grey hoodie, I ran downstairs and grabbed my black boots.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" Mother questioned
"Oh..nowhere.." I needed to be sly I couldn't risk her finding out that I was meeting someone outside of the village.
"Hmm..Ok but don't be long"
"Okay" I yelled at her as I ran through the door, down the cobbled path and smashed through our gate.
I kept running this time, I didn't stop to catch my breath. It was another sunny day, kind of weird to have two sunny days in a row I thought to myself. I rounded the corner by the hedge and ran down the small dirt track towards the forest, as I got closer to the gap in the tree's I slowed down to catch my breath just for a minute. Soon I was sprinting again through the lovely green tree's and boggy ground, I came to the tree trunk, it's tall beauty shading the forest. I looked up, he was there. The boy. Jack.
"Hey!" I yelled
"Wow! You actually came? I thought you weren't going to show" He replied
"I'm not one for breaking promises"
"Good, Get up here then!" He yelled from the top of the tree. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was perfect. His eyes. His hair. His everything. Just him, Jack was perfect. Even though I had just met him I found myself hooked on him..Almost in-love! I began to climb the tree trunk, holding onto the rope as I cascaded up the tree. As I reached the branch that he was sitting on he held out a hand. I took it.
"Thanks" I said blushing slightly.
"So, what shall we do?" He questioned. This puzzled me as he had asked me to meet him here again today, he should have planned something surely.
"Anything, I don't care" I had no emotion in my voice now. I wasn't sure about this, something felt different about him today. It makes no sense but he didn't seem right. He seemed..like he was someone else.
*cough* He began to murmur something, I couldn't hear him properly and it worried me.
"Are you ok Jack?" I needed to find out exactly what was wrong, I didn't understand why he was acting so strange.
"Oh yeah I'm fine, it's just..well"
"Well what? You can trust me," I held out my hand, to show him that I could be trusted. He didn't take it. He stared at me blankly as if I'd never understand.
"I change" He whispered "I changed into something that I don't want to be, It's horrible, I hurt people I love"
I was shocked! He couldn't just change could he? I wasn't very pessimistic as I believed in all kinds of magickal stuff as I studied it.
"What do you change into Jack?" I needed to know. Maybe i could help him! It was a long shot but it might work!
"Something terrible. A wolf like creature. But i can't control it, it just happens and when it does I hurt anyone in my way" He explained "I don't want to hurt you"
"You wont hurt me" I assured him.
"How can you say that!?" He yelled at me. "I can't control it! I'll hurt anyone who happens to be around!"
"But you won't hurt me. Because I can protect myself" I knew he wouldn't hurt me. I studied black arts. He would be dead before he touched me. I didn't get scared my these type of things easily but something about this particular situation made me feel uneasy.
"I want to protect you though" He said gently. "I must protect you, He has told me to protect you"
"Wait what!? Who told you?" I felt scared now, almost sick.
"No-one...I meant no-one" He stuttered. "Lets do something fun? Yes?"
I agreed because i wanted to take my mind off of this. So we decided to go hunting.
I used my magick to hunt, he used a knife. It was actually really fun, we killed 2 deer, 4 rabbits and 3 squirrels. I took 2 rabbits, a deer and 1 squirrel home to mother that night after we left. Jack took the rest. The house was cold when I arrived home, I went round to the back and grabbed some logs for the fire but something caught my eye in the bushes. It was big and black, it had glowing red eyes and I could hear the creatures heavy breathing. I slowly walked backed away, towards the door with the logs and then quickly swung around and scrambled into the house with the logs, slamming the door with my foot behind me.
"Why all the noise?" Mother yelled from her room upstairs. I couldn't tell her what I had just seen, It would only freak her out.
"Nothing! Just dropped some logs..Sorry!" I yelled back, I quickly went to the fire put on the logs and set it alight. I could feel the warmth of the fire as the fames flickered and danced around on the logs, slowly burning and making beautiful crackling sounds. Darkness had come quickly tonight and shadows moved around our lonely little cottage. I was sitting infront of the fire when mother came downstairs to make supper.
"You've been gone all day..You said you wouldn't be long!" She looked very cross.
"I'm sorry..I lost track of time, I went hunting today mother"
"You did what!?" I realised by saying that I had been hunting it meant I was in the forest.
"Oh umm..hunting" I said again.
"You went to the forest? It's forbidden." She said very sturn.
"We needed more meat mom, I got a deer, some rabbits and a squirrel!" I said enthusiasticly.
"Fine. But don't do it again! Atleast tell me where your going next time!
"Ok.." I said.
We ate the rabbit that night for supper before I retreated to my bedroom and curled up in bed. I couldn't stop thinking about Jack, his name echoed in my head again and again. But then I remembered the creature outside of my house it's red eyes, sharp teeth, the darkness of it's coat. Then...I saw it! It started running towards me, teeth bared, ready to attack! It jumped at me, grabbed me! I could feel the pain of the bite searing through my body! Then...nothing, no pain, no creature, nothing but darkness. I heard someone screaming my name.
"Flo! Flo! Flo!" They yelled again and again. I shot up out of bed. I was sweating, and my mom was standing next to the bed. Phew, it was just a dream.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello there, ImaginatiionIsBest, and happy Review Day!
I haven't read the previous chapter, so if something I say in this review has already been addressed by the first chapter, feel free to disregard that comment.
With that said, the first thing that caught my attention (and not in the good way, I'm afraid) was the number of punctuation and grammar issues. Having such errors can be a major turn-off for readers, as it gives the (not necessarily true) impression that you don't care enough about your writing to proofread it before posting. Making a good impression upon your readers is necessary if you want them to keep reading.
We have a number of resources in the Grammar & Research section of the Knowledge Base, and I think you'll find this article on apostrophes, this article on dialogue punctuation, and this article on run-on sentences particularly useful. Another favorite resource of mine for grammar is the OWL at Purdue, and I refer to it all the time when I'm not sure about anything grammatical.
Overall, the events in this chapter moved very, very fast. From what I gathered, Flo and Jack have known each other for only one day, and yet he trusts her with such sensitive information? It doesn't make much sense and feels rushed, especially since Flo is apparently in love with him. Give their relationship a bit more time to develop, otherwise everything about their relationship will feel forced and unrealistic.
Also, the whole "I want to protect you but can only hurt you" thing is seriously overused. You may want to consider altering that, or at the very least, downgrading it to a fear rather than a stated inevitability. Doing so gives Flo and Jack a chance to develop a relationship without resorting to some sort of deus ex machina (like True Love Conquers All, or FATE), which is usually more interesting and believable to read. The less their relationship relies upon external forces to work, the more genuine their relationship will come across to the reader.
Hey Imaginatiion,
I really liked the beginning of this. I read the first chapter as well, so I could follow the story. I liked it, but the punctuation made it hard to read. But I won't dwell on it too much, seeing as GeeLyria's already explained all of that to you. I will talk about pace.
In Chapter one we meet Jack, and we get a whole load of information. I hoped this chapter would take things a bit slower, and so the reader could get really embedded into the storyline. But things are going too face. All of a sudden, Jack and Flo love each other. And suddenly he's really protective of her and not wanting to hurt her. I think you need to create more chapters and slow down the love feeling so it doesn't seem to hasty. I don't mind if the protectiveness comes early, because apparently Jack has a mission to watch her, but I think the love was too quick to be realistic.
I liked how we don't know all about Jack yet, and he has the air of a mysterious boy about him. You can tell he's keeping secrets, which is great because it hints to the reader that there is something more to him. And that keeps them reading. Let me know when the next chapter is up on my wall and I'll make time to read it
Deanie x
Hi, ImaginatiionIsBest.
I'm GeeLyria and I'm here to review.
I like the intro of this; it's pretty catchy and it makes me curious, which is good. However, there was something that bothered me throughout the whole piece and that is the lack of punctuation is some random places. Dialogue deserves to have a decent punctuation too, you know! D= Hahaha. Here's the thing; uniformity is always lovely and useful. And I noticed sometimes you just forgot some periods!
Like for example, in the first dialogue:
The correct way of writing this is: "Hmm... Okay, but don't take long." Being a perfectionist when it comes to writing is a great thing! Try to be more picky. Remember that the more professional you are, the more seriously they will take you and your writing. And yes, you want that.
There should be a comma before the quotation mark in this case, instead of a period (or nothing). Here's an article that might help you with the whole punctuation and dialogue mess.
I hope it's useful. Keep Writing!
~GeeLyria
Cool
Werewolf...didn't see that coming
. It would be nice if you describe us how she uses the magic for hunting. That was a litle harsh to take that detail from us. Left us kinda hanging. You had a loot of comments on 1st chapter how the love black magic(me too) soo please don't skip those parts. Story is great and I'm going to follow it for sure.
P.S: U mised to tell us what hapend in the bacery...what hapend to that girl,did she make it?Pay a litle atention to those details please.
Cool