Mockingbird, mock me not
Gap between what you've seen
And what you've thought
Whispering what I have done
Into the ears of everyone
Vicious vermin you prove to be
But I'll always be the enemy
You never cause I'm a wreck
I might just snap your little bird neck
I'll spread your wings as if to fly
and tear them off without a sigh
I'll tie your bone up in the end
And send them to a better friend
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This was really violent O.O I like it! (If you click on any of my short stories you'll notice they're all super dark, so yeah...)
Anyway, I adore the rhyme scheme you've got going on in this. It sounds great! Your tone is really scary and hateful. You should retitle this "Threat to the Mockingbird" because that's how I see it.
However much I like this poem, there is one part I find a bit confusing:
Is it "cause" like "because"? This ruins the flow slightly and the line does not make much sense. The rest of the poem is clear though.
This is a very dark poem and I enjoyed it. I'm not extremely knowledgeable about poetry, so, unfortunately, this is the best I can do. The others probably gave you better advice. I can tell you to keep writing though
Oooh!
This was lovely, it had a wonderful flow to it! I myself liked the word choice.
I just love that line! And then you continue this little rhythm throughout the poem.
A bit dark, but luckily for you, I love dark!
One line that catches me is:
This one, I can't seem to catch the rhyme here. It may just be me, but I simply can't catch it! Maybe reword? It's really your choice.
Overall, this was a lovely, dark poem. And a fantastic read!
Thank you!
Thanks,
SW
Wow, that was a very interesting poem! Almost a little Slim Shady-esque.
(Ironically, in his song "Mockingbird," the very last line is "If that bird don't sing and that ring don't shine, I'mma break that birdies neck..."
Your line "I might just snap your little bird neck" instantly reminded me of that song! But if you're not a fan of him, don't be offended, he is considered one of the greatest lyricists/rhymers of all-time!
I agree with the previous review that it did get off to a little bit of an awkward/choppy start, but you can easily change it and make it flow much better. you have an obvious talent.
Also, I would make some very minor punctuation changes, add a comma in a few spots, etc. They're minor though, so I won't point them out.
All-in-all, a really nice work. Keep writing!!
Wow thanks
the more choppy lines should be fixed in a day or two, depends on how much time I have. Thank you for the feedback
Hi there, I don't believe I have reviewed for you before, so it is nice to meet you! You have here my favorite type of poetry, and the type I write the most of, so the fact that I like this poem says a lot, as I tend to be harshest on what I am most used to! I loved your use of rhythm and rhyme, though it was off on the first three lines, since they did not fall into the same rhyme scheme as the rest of the poem, and got you off to a bit of an awkward start. If you could condense this into one line I feel that the poem would be stronger, for example:
Mockingbird, Mock me not;
gap between what you've seen and though
I feel that this makes the poem flow much better from the beginning, which is the make or break time for a poem. The next thing I'd like to mention is the line "You never cause I'm a wreck." Cause is either not the right word here, or your grammar/syntax is off. I don't understand what you're trying to say, so I can't offer any suggestions on how to fix it. Even if it makes perfect sense to you, always remember that your reader is important also. "Your little bird neck" could be rephrased with some heavier vocabulary to make it sound less forced. Other than simple rhythm, my only suggestion would be to expand a bit on what you're trying to say, as the poem seems to rely much too heavily on uncertainties. Expanding more on your general idea by either adding to the middle or adding another stanza would help your reader greatly.
Keep writing, you're doing great!
Yeah you're right, that line was a kind of awkwardly phrased. I struggle with getting my point across so I'll work on that. Thanks for saying you liked my poem! I'm gonna check out some of the stuff you've written.