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Drone Strike Dave- Chapter 1 "A Little Too Close"

by Ilium417


Ten-year-old Dave crouched in a corner behind a pile of metal shipping boxes. They created the perfect shadow for him to see and not be seen. Anybody that glanced in his direction would only see darkness.

Not that anyone would look at him anyway. The Workers were all busy, hammering out sheets of metal, transporting ores from the mines presumably, and pouring molten minerals into containers that Dave really didn't care about. He never cared to learn about the inner workings of a Mom and Pop Shop metal factory. He only learned enough to rob it.

He turned his attention to the Taskmasters, the soldiers of Mom and Pop Shop. Two stood silent in their brown armor at the entrance of the factory, the one that led to the outside roads. Two more guarded the way to the mines, and a fifth walked with the boss of the factory, acting as his bodyguard.

The boss of the factory, otherwise known as a Capitalist, was Dave's greatest fear, far more than the deadly soldiers. This one carried a Calislash, a whip made of orange energy and way too often used against the Workers. Dave rubbed his cheekbone where remnants of one of his personal experiences with a Calislash were. Number one rule of robbing factories: avoid the Capitalist at all costs.

With five Taskmasters and the Capitalist pacing through the main aisle, it was going to be hard to rob the place. There were almost no openings for Dave to run out and reach his target.

His only hope was to rob in the open.

He silently turned and retrieved a solid metal rod, a product which had slipped out from the many boxes delivered from here. They and other various metal scraps were strewn all over the place, both inside the Factory and out. All over Mom and Pop Shop really. There was so much that they didn't care too much over a bit of lost materials but sometimes the Workers would turn it back in to make a little extra cash.

Gripping the metal rod firmly, Dave ran out from the boxes at the Taskmasters guarding the entrance. Seeing him, they unsheathed their Baryx blades but left them blunt.

Dave crouched and swung, striking the first blow, a solid strike in the shins. The armor lessened the damage but still made the Taskmaster stumble. Grabbing the blunt end of their Baryx Blade, he pulled the soldier down.

The second Taskmaster stepped in and swung his Baryx Blade onto Dave's head sharply, leaving the child dazed. Too stunned to parry with his pole, a second swing to the stomach soon followed. The stunned boy toppled onto the fallen Taskmaster, almost crying in pain.

Both Taskmasters yanked Dave up by the arms and brought him before the Capitalist, whose pudgy features meshed into a wicked grin. "A kid?" he asked incredulously. "I thought all kids these days just worked, not fought. You might have a future with the Taskmasters, kid."

The Capitalist bent down (no small feat considering his size) and looked closely at Dave, about two inches closer than Dave would've liked. He looked down to avoid the Capitalist’s eyes. 'The thing about Taskmaster's though, is that they do. their. job. Which you can't seem to grasp!"

He suddenly lashed out his arm and pulled on Dave's black hair, forcing Dave's chin up to make eye contact with him. "WHERE DO YOU WORK?" he yelled.

"Wheat farming, Field 11-22, owned by Cap Wilson," Dave promptly replied. He answered this question a lot.

The Capitalist scrutinized Dave's face closely, searching for who knows what. Not having found it, he grunted, rose to his full height and glared at Dave. "I still have a little sympathy for kids, so I'll let you off easy this time. I'm going to tell your Capitalist Wilson to take away your food for a week, but I won’t have these here Taskmasters take you to jail."

"Okay sir, thank you sir," Dave replied obsequiously. All he needed was to get out of this situation. As soon as possible.

"And know this," the Capitalist continued. "Next time you rob me, or anyone in this corporation, you will get what's coming for you. If you ever try ANYTHING like this again, I won't be merciful."

With that, he nodded to the Taskmasters holding Dave, signifying to remove him, and walked back to his Workers. He made sure to activate the Calislash. 


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Thu Feb 10, 2022 2:51 am
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I don't usually read dystopian stories, but this one seems promising! We're still at the very beginning, so I'm curious where it'll go from here! There is already a lot of conflict brewing, but I'm curious what Dave's main motivation will be throughout the story. I hope to read more soon!

One thing I enjoyed was how engaging this first chapter was. I think you're doing a nice job with your writing voice— your story was very easy to follow with minimal grammatical errors, which is always a plus! I also think your worldbuilding/introduction to this world was super smooth. I liked the introductions of certain weapons and terms like Taskmasters and Workers and the Calislash. I take it that these things will become important later on, and it's smart of you to introduce it in the first chapter.

I wasn't sure if the social commentary was intentional, but I think the super on-the-nose names for things (i. e. the Capitalist and having Mom and Pop Shop be this huge corporation) definitely have the makings of a satire. I feel like things like this are generally short stories, which I see you've marked this as, even though it's also marked as chapter one. Is this going to be a multi-part short story?

Specifics

They and other various metal scraps were strewn all over the place, both inside the Factory and out. All over Mom and Pop Shop really. There was so much that they didn't care too much over a bit of lost materials but sometimes the Workers would turn it back in to make a little extra cash.


I thought this part could flow a bit better. In the first sentence, you already say metal scraps are all over the place, so that little fragment after it doesn't make sense to me. It isn't necessary to have that there. That last sentences could

'The thing about Taskmaster's though, is that they do. their. job. Which you can't seem to grasp!"


It seems like you've used an apostrophe as the first quotation mark here! Also, when you have periods, even if it's to show pauses in dialogue, you should capitalize the word that comes after it.

Overall: nice work!! I think you've got a good start, and I'm curious to see where you'll take it from here! Until next time!!




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Wed Feb 02, 2022 2:00 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was a very interesting continuation of the prologue. I liked how you kind of made the story totally different from the prologue and yet, you established that subtle connection between them.

Okay so as it seems, all these are being narrated from the perspective of the storyteller, I mean that is what it should be, judging from the prologue. However, we seem to have jumped into Dave's brain. I wonder how exactly that happened. Do this storyteller have the ability to read everyone's brain? I guess so. Hm... Very interesting!

Jumping into this specific chapter, it was a tragically intriguing one. I was kind of right about the time period of the story. Well, I don't have much idea about child labour, capitalists but this seems to be set during the Industrial Revolution(Well, this is probably set in a fictional world but I guess that's what the time period probably is). I am going to review considering that, please correct me if I am wrong. I liked how you decided to focus on the negative aspects of it rather than the positive ones.

This boy is honestly in a pathetic condition. I feel pity that he is not being payed enough to live his life in a decent manner. He seems to have tolerated all sorts of torture just to earn some living and lead a decent life. You have managed to put up the themes of the time quite well. Dave is symbolic of the children suffering during the time. I just wonder about one thing: the workers of these factory. Were the workers too children? I don't think so but I would like to know it. Also, how did he enter the place in the first place? That needs a clarification in my opinion.

One thing I would like to say is giving it some rating. At least 12+ maybe. Though doesn't very explicitly but this does include violence and torture to an extent. Lashing people and all. Giving it a 12+ rating wouldn't hurt at all.

Also, I would like to know more about this factory. I mean you could be a bit specific on this 'metal' thing. I have no idea about factories and mines and ores but I guess one factory is responsible for one metal. All the metals can't be found in the same mine. You could name the metal. It would have been easier to imagine it that way.

It's very ironic how the Capitalist says he still has some sympathy but appears to be totally unsympathetic. Lashing people without any reason totally appears to be a ruthless thing to do but I guess it was quite common among the then capitalists. We can also see how desperate Dave is. Like he could actually wait for sometime and then escape but he couldn't wait. It's quite sad how he got threatened and also never managed to fulfill the purpose he went there for. Quite eager to see what comes next.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




Ilium417 says...


Hi Forever! Long time no see, thanks for the review :)
A little clarification: Factories will be explained in Chspter 2. And, while not said at first, this story is actually set in the future of the world we live in. He is in the Middle East (also not stated, just kinda a little bit of fun for those diving REALLY deep) and as the Middle East has the most oil and also a lot of metal, that is what is being produced here.
This is, to a certain extent, a dystopian novel, and ttb at is said in the Prologue.
Thanks again for the review! It really helps :D





You're welcome!!
Ah stupid of me to assume it happened in the past. Aren't there a lot of similarities between our past and your future?




I cannot separate the aesthetic pleasure of seeing a butterfly and the scientific pleasure of knowing what it is.
— Vladmir Nabokov