Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Love the vibe this story opens with here. I think you really manage to draw us quite neatly into this little world that you have created and I think it works wonders in terms of making us invested already with the sheer number of little hints getting tossed about.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ten-year-old Dave crouched in a corner behind a pile of metal shipping boxes. They created the perfect shadow for him to see and not be seen. Anybody that glanced in his direction would only see darkness.
Not that anyone would look at him anyway. The Workers were all busy, hammering out sheets of metal, transporting ores from the mines presumably, and pouring molten minerals into containers that Dave really didn't care about. He never cared to learn about the inner workings of a Mom and Pop Shop metal factory. He only learned enough to rob it.
Well, this is an intriguing place to start there. Love to start with a casual little heist there, and it looks like this particular heist is going to be at one of the more advanced things that one tends to run into too.
He turned his attention to the Taskmasters, the soldiers of Mom and Pop Shop. Two stood silent in their brown armor at the entrance of the factory, the one that led to the outside roads. Two more guarded the way to the mines, and a fifth walked with the boss of the factory, acting as his bodyguard.
The boss of the factory, otherwise known as a Capitalist, was Dave's greatest fear, far more than the deadly soldiers. This one carried a Calislash, a whip made of orange energy and way too often used against the Workers. Dave rubbed his cheekbone where remnants of one of his personal experiences with a Calislash were. Number one rule of robbing factories: avoid the Capitalist at all costs.
Well that is very interestingly names type of guard right there. I wonder quite how much that relates to a capitalist in the other sense. Either way this is proving to be a lovely start here to a heist sequence by having us introduced to the guards that Dave has to get through.
With five Taskmasters and the Capitalist pacing through the main aisle, it was going to be hard to rob the place. There were almost no openings for Dave to run out and reach his target.
His only hope was to rob in the open.
He silently turned and retrieved a solid metal rod, a product which had slipped out from the many boxes delivered from here. They and other various metal scraps were strewn all over the place, both inside the Factory and out. All over Mom and Pop Shop really. There was so much that they didn't care too much over a bit of lost materials but sometimes the Workers would turn it back in to make a little extra cash.
Well well that seems like a bit of a problem there to have so many things just littered about. Well at least it seems that is going to make this whole process a tiny bit easier at least to get away without being noticed, which is probably a very good thing given how dangerous the guards seem.
Gripping the metal rod firmly, Dave ran out from the boxes at the Taskmasters guarding the entrance. Seeing him, they unsheathed their Baryx blades but left them blunt.
Dave crouched and swung, striking the first blow, a solid strike in the shins. The armor lessened the damage but still made the Taskmaster stumble. Grabbing the blunt end of their Baryx Blade, he pulled the soldier down.
The second Taskmaster stepped in and swung his Baryx Blade onto Dave's head sharply, leaving the child dazed. Too stunned to parry with his pole, a second swing to the stomach soon followed. The stunned boy toppled onto the fallen Taskmaster, almost crying in pain.
Oooh well that did not quite go to plan from the looks if it. It seems things just dived immediately into a fight there. The fact that the blades are purposely kept blunt is a very interesting move there giving the talk of the whip from earlier and its scar. Also loving this fight scene, its pretty nicely constructed I think and it went about as well as I thought it would.
Both Taskmasters yanked Dave up by the arms and brought him before the Capitalist, whose pudgy features meshed into a wicked grin. "A kid?" he asked incredulously. "I thought all kids these days just worked, not fought. You might have a future with the Taskmasters, kid."
The Capitalist bent down (no small feat considering his size) and looked closely at Dave, about two inches closer than Dave would've liked. He looked down to avoid the Capitalist’s eyes. 'The thing about Taskmaster's though, is that they do. their. job. Which you can't seem to grasp!"
Oooh that's a bit of a surprise reveal. So it appears Dave here is working for them, and is somehow under some level of control. Well that might explain the slash happening earlier and makes this whole decision to rob things significantly more interesting. The casual mention of children being workers is also just perfectly thrown out there to get us very much intrigued without calling any attention to it at all. Love that touch.
He suddenly lashed out his arm and pulled on Dave's black hair, forcing Dave's chin up to make eye contact with him. "WHERE DO YOU WORK?" he yelled.
"Wheat farming, Field 11-22, owned by Cap Wilson," Dave promptly replied. He answered this question a lot.
The Capitalist scrutinized Dave's face closely, searching for who knows what. Not having found it, he grunted, rose to his full height and glared at Dave. "I still have a little sympathy for kids, so I'll let you off easy this time. I'm going to tell your Capitalist Wilson to take away your food for a week, but I won’t have these here Taskmasters take you to jail."
Welp I think we know who was responsible for the whip slash there and it seems our valiant effort her has failed for the moment, but I'm sure we're going to end up learning a lot more in times to come about everything here because right now all of this has just created so many questions.
"Okay sir, thank you sir," Dave replied obsequiously. All he needed was to get out of this situation. As soon as possible.
"And know this," the Capitalist continued. "Next time you rob me, or anyone in this corporation, you will get what's coming for you. If you ever try ANYTHING like this again, I won't be merciful."
With that, he nodded to the Taskmasters holding Dave, signifying to remove him, and walked back to his Workers. He made sure to activate the Calislash.
Well that ended a lot better than it could have there for Dave. I think its a lovely point to end this first chapter here. Leaves us just curious enough about Dave's fate and of course literally everything else so far introduced so we just can't resist doing anything but wanting to read more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty solid first chapter I think. You've introduced the main character pretty well and the worlds even better and I honestly can't wait to find out more about this world.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254288
Reviews: 4103
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