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Tribals - Section 1 l Chapter 1 l Part 1

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The pub was crowded at night, people were ordering drinks and turning into a completely different person by the end of this. Ladies dressed in frilly skirts and snow blouse aimlessly wandered around with a cocoa-colored tray that they held in balance. On top of those trays were mugs of foamy, bubbly drinks. It seemed these were the ones getting the men intoxicated. The atmosphere of this place was noisy, the exact opposite of the bar I went into last town. It was livelier, so I wouldn’t complain as much. I just didn’t find the excitement that everybody was sharing.

One lady noticed a figure sitting by the corner of the pub. He—or rather I—hadn’t had a table, resting by a place that she deemed dirty (judging from her expression). Walking over to him, she noted the first thing that caught her fancy. It was his brilliant and mysterious silvery eyes. Never had she seen such colors on a human being nor had she seen a person who would enjoy sitting on the ground in this pub. The next thing was his warm golden hair and the small, almost antique, round glasses resting upon the bridge of his nose. Apart from all the men around her partying ‘till the end of night, this person was quietly reading a book. Obviously, she was unaware that he was studying her the whole entire time.

Snapping out of her daze, she realized she was still at work and hurriedly approached me. She gave me the same business smile as the other lady who greeted me when I first arrived. Then she asked why I didn’t take a seat. I told her that I was more comfortable on the ground. She pouted and replied, “Well, you won’t get a good sight for the show if you just sit there. Come on!”

Proceeding to grab my wrist, she yanked me up from the dusty floor and pushed me to another corner, except I was to sit on a chair. I sighed, giving her a look and noting that she was waiting for me to order something. I glanced around another time, seeing that the bubbly, gilt drink was what everybody was getting, I said, “I’ll take what those people are getting.”

“One honey ale, coming up.”

I nodded, taking in a word that I just learned.

That girl seemed to understand me as to why she gave me a table that wasn’t particularly near anybody going crazy. And though this was a bit far apart, this place had nice view of the stage. She said something about a show. Was this why everybody was here?

Touching the leather-bound book, I read the title, “History of Romero.” The book was written by an unnamed historian and it spoke of the legacy of both King Romero I and the kingdom he built. It began with him born into a family of many. His family lived in the city of Resk—now named Romero. Being the youngest, he was often teased and this caused him to escape from his life. He was then kidnapped and sold into slavery for twelve years. The experience he had during those times hardened him up and when he bought his freedom, he returned to his family where he murdered all of them. Finally, he caused a revolution within the City of Resk due to the time it was ruled by an unlawful king. A simple slave like Romero risen to the ranks of nobility and built an empire for himself.

I discovered this fascinating piece of antiquity two years ago on the body of a dead Romero soldier. Whether it was true or not, there was certainly a City of Romero. From what he collected from daylight ‘till now, this city was flourishing with wealth. It astonished him, reminding him of the story of King Romero I. How could a heartless beast be such a great king? Had he ruled through fear or through respect? It was an answer I desired. Already did I find myself secure in this city. Anything was better than being back at [ ]. Though my comrades was pleased to be of use by the Generals, I wasn’t. It was the reason why I fled from that warring country. I had no obligation to stay in the battlefield.

Placing the book down, I thought about the Dead Ground. It was a year since the stalemate between the Romero Empire and the Country of [ ]. Magic was a formidable strength for the Romero Empire and with their latest invention of guns, it could possibly push their enemy back. Though they’d better work promptly on their creation, because there was an unbelievable amount of Tribals being pumped into the war.

The same girl came back with a mug in her hand, placing it down on my table. I thanked her as she left. I remembered those people having a name for their position. It was a waiter or something. Anyways, I gazed at the drink. People were drinking these, but I never once tried this. Draping my fingers around the handle, I pulled it up to my mouth and took a sip. Immediately I slammed it on the table with a frown on my face. It was bitter—a little bit sweet—how could people drink this? While complaining, I had another.

By the time that I finished, the room darkened and a single light pointed at the stage. Where that light was coming from, I had no idea. There was a woman standing upon the platform, she was holding what appeared to be a guitar, but thinner. I became curious about this instrument she was holding. After a second, she started playing and felt like all the shouting and yelling had died down. The atmosphere felt mellow. Everybody became quiet, a sign of respect. I watched her performance with my utmost attention, analyzing at every single movement she made to play her song.

This was a nice city. I wished that it stayed this way.

---

A/N: I haven't gotten a name for the other country yet. It'll come to be eventually. Anyways, this is a new story I'm starting for the moment. Still piecing in the world because I'm a bit confused. Not exactly, but some details I need to polish.

It's weird how I split this, and the title's too long. Heh.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
StellaThomas
Review

Heya! Stella here!

Okay so this was a fairly interesting beginning of a story, but I felt a little bit bored while I was reading it. A man in the corner of a pub - how many times have we heard this story? While he's certainly got an interesting voice, I can't say that there was anything in the piece that immediately grabbed me and made me think, "Ooh, I want to read more of this story!" That's called a 'hook', that thing that drags you in, makes you may attention. And if you don't have one, readers are losing interest even before you've really begun.

As well, I kind of assumed that Romero was their city, so I was really surprised that it wasn't, or that it seemed somewhere far away. I had been vaguely interested in the city up until the point where I realised that's not where we were - it would have been a nice time to introduce your setting. I know that you haven't got a name for where we are right now but I think it would be fun to show us a bit about the city. You've clearly got this mysterious MC that you're going to be reserved about, but don't be afraid to tell us a bit more about his surroundings! I wasn't even sure what time period this is set in!

Overall your writing was good but I think your main issue right now is trying to convince your readers that this is an interesting story - which I'm sure it is, you just need to show us that it is!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

User avatar
Laure
Review
Laure wrote a review · Wed May 14, 2014 12:09 pm

Hai, Laure here for a massacre review! The title is not too long at all, don't be silly. Now, this is going to be a rather irresponsible review because I'm only going to review the content and plot, and leave the technical details to some other reviewer.

Disclaimer: I will say it here and now that my reviews are blunt and honest, but don't worry I will tell you what I like about this at the end. If any of this offends you, don't. Is only one person's opinion out of many. Good?

Content and writing style:

It took me at least three times to get through this chapter, the first time I couldn't get through the first three paragraphs because it was basically like someone telling me about a place with no emotion at all. Second time, I managed to get through the story half-skimming it. Third time, I actually made myself read it. The story from what I've read is this guy is in a crowded bar, and he is a new comers to this country, and he saw this girl then he examined this very antique history book. Then he drank ale, and he was watching the serving girl play and what...

I suppose the ending foreshadowed something exciting will be happening so that's good. But my point is, before all that it wasn't particularly interesting. So, alright. There's this bloke, we don't know where he came from, his backstory or why he came. And then about the book, it was basically an info-dump of what is about and no details as to why he wants the book. Then the girl's performance, what was her role in the plot?

To sum it up: If you're going to write something in a story, then make sure at least some of it is relevant to the plot. Especially because this is the first chapter, it should give us the readers a taste of what this novel is about instead of a filler about a bar, a bloke and a girl dancing. .__. Not exactly a grasping introduction if you get what I mean.

Writing style: DON'T TELL

This is one of the major let downs in all creative writing, is don't tell or narrate to the readers. Show them, show them through similes, metaphors and personifications. Compare them to things, and let the words be a paintbrush and paint a story to us.

The pub was crowded at night, people were ordering drinks and turning into a completely different person by the end of this. Ladies dressed in frilly skirts and snow blouse aimlessly wandered around with a cocoa-colored tray that they held in balance. On top of those trays were mugs of foamy, bubbly drinks. It seemed these were the ones getting the men intoxicated.


The pub was crowded at night. -> You told us it was crowded, how about show us instead. Were the people packed like sardines in a can, how crowded was it? What does it smell like, sweat and husk?

People were ordering drinks and turning into a completely different person by the end of this -> End of this, what exactly is end of this? Is it the end of the night, or is it the end of a drink. I assume you meant that they were drunk, then just say they're drunk and describe how they're drunk. No need to tell us everything from start to finish if you can sum it up in one word.

You get what I mean. Don't list and tell us everything, we're not all complete idiots we can make some decisions ourselves as to what is going on by some vivid and clear descriptions. Which will make your story more interesting and palpable.

Your syntaxb]

I've seen this on a lot of works on YWS so you're not the only one, in fact I'm one who tends to have this problem too. Is overloading the chapter with words that doesn't describe exactly what you want, or words that have the same meaning but repeated. That and also, your phrasing of words. A lot of it doesn't make much sense or you just skip over the details so is like logic holes within every paragraph.

I became curious about this instrument she was holding. After a second, she started playing and felt like all the shouting and yelling had died down. The atmosphere felt mellow. Everybody became quiet, a sign of respect. I watched her performance with my utmost attention, analyzing at every single movement she made to play her song.


[b]she started playing and felt like all the shouting and yelling had died down.[/quote] What do you mean it felt like, did they shouting and yelling dimmed or what? be more specific.

[b]Everybody became quiet, a sign of respect.
-> Once again you're telling us that is a sign of respect show it to us. Perhaps. 'The cacophony of noise dimmed considerably so that her melodious may be heard' -> Look, I'm no expert at this, but see how the sign of respect wasn't mentioned but the readers can still know that they didn't talk so they could hear her.

I watched her performance with my utmost attention, analyzing at every single movement she made to play her song.


She made? That word is not quite right here....it just sounds off.

So I won't bore you any further and sum it up:

1. Show don't tell

2. Don't info dump and don't write any unnecessary details.

3.Watch your language, this is set in medieval times or somewhere along that line, aye? Since you're using ale and all, but I notice a few modern words. Remember, the words are very important to set a plausible mood and setting.

4. Vary your sentence openings and be careful how you write them, make sure they connect with each other and actually makes sense.

5.Slow down and let each action develop.

Alright, so perhaps this wasn't the best of all openings but I did like some of the mystery in here, hinted in here. So I am willing to see where this goes. So, keep writing and don't take any offence at this killing of your work. ^_^

~Laure



The chains of habits are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
— Warren Buffet