When will it stop

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about a person who feels as if his efforts are useless and tend to repeat themselves. I like how the fruitless efforts are compared to shadows under clock hands
returning to the same locations over and over..

Wondered why the shadows under and not the hands themselves though. Expected the rest of the poem to expand on this imagery. But then a fall is mentioned and the speaker describes his failure as if a balloon that is popped and falls. No mention is made of climbing or any ascension to reach a goal. So the sudden shift to a deflated balloon seemed disconnected from the previous imagery of a shadow under a ticking clock’s hands.




Suggestions

Failure experiences feel as familiar as a friend? If the experiences hurt, then comparing it to a friend might not be such a good idea. I felt that the clock analogy should have continued throughout the poem.

Punctuation:


I personally would have enjoyed reading it more with regular punctuation, so my advice is based on that. When each line starts with a capital, I pause because I am not sure whether I am starting a new sentence or continuing the one above.


Sometimes I have to stop and start over because I make the mistake of continuing after a slight pause when I was suppose to come to a full stop. This is made more serious if we use commas instead of periods because commas are telling me to pause and not stop.

If I pause and then I find that I needed to stop, then I will have misread it and the reading experience can become choppy via a distracting stop-and-start sequence. So in my opinion, fixing this would be an improvement. Below are some punctuation and other suggestions tjhat I feel will improve readability.


I have tried

[a]gain and again[,]

like shadows under clock hands[,]

[t]urning and turning[,]

[c]oming back

[t]o the same point[,]

[t]he same time[.]

-

Again and again

I fall

[un]til it feels like a friend

(At least it never leaves me)

-

Fall

[t]he way a broken

[p]opped balloon does[,]

[t]hrough the silence

[o]f a summer sky[.]

[I]t hurts[!]

Hello! I read your poem and overall I think it's amazing. As someone who deals with this every day you portrade the aspects of pain and running around in circles to try to make everything right quit accurately.

Your rhythm was extremely good. I especially enjoyed the fact that you stayed away from rhyming a lot. It shows that you are probably a more experienced writer. Also, that you are comfortable with this style and the subject matter. Over all, I believe you did a great job!

Hi. This is Kman134. I'm here to review your work.

I like the symbolism of time and recollection in your poem. The way the story presents a sort of existential dread where we feel a sense of broken feeling and emptiness that many of us feel. We try to fill in the pieces but we are unable to and the only way to truly feel whole is to accept the emptiness and brokenness of ourselves and keep moving forward. As the great Friedrich Nietzsche once said: "My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it."

Concept:

The concept of the story is creative and philosophically intriguing as it deals with existentialism and absurdism when finding oneself in a world filled with twists and turns. This is similar to the play No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre that features three new arrivals in hell who discuss why they are in hell and what they have done with one of the newcomers reflecting the sins of the other two back and provoking them to reveal their true colors while the first one takes selfish and condescending delight at accepting her own sins. the use of time and deja vu plays well in the poem (not sure if that was where you were going with) where people travel back and forth to a place of familiarity, usually to relive a certain moment that either brought them great happiness or pain.

Imagery:

The use of a clock to express the passage of time and use for reminiscence is brilliant, along with the popping of balloons to symbolize death and despair as a means to show surrendering to your inner demons brought goose bumps to me.

Grammar:

To be honest, I could not find anything wrong with the grammar. it was well thought out and took time to come up with the wording.

Anyway, I love what you wrote. Can't wait to review any other works.

Hey, I just wanted to drop by and say I really really like this! Your last six lines are killer - they absolutely made the piece for me. The image perfectly conveys the loss and longing and brings the entire poem together.

(I feel like in comparison the first few lines are slightly weak, because they don't have much of an image other than the clock-hands and it didn't grab me right when I started reading.)

But again, I *love*those last six lines. I'd even think they could almost stand on their own as a poem.

Hey, Ignites!

I enjoyed the read. It was a moving poem.

Like shadows under clock hands

Turning and turning

Coming back

To the same point

The same time

Again and again

I fall

Please feel free to ignore my advice it isn't intended to demean you make your story seem bad or you for that matter nonetheless brace your self

What I thought
Wow . . . .this was good however I really couldn't get the vibe of pain anywhere in this.

Word usage
Okay so here is how I think you should do the first few lines

Again and again I have tried to escape the claws of despair
like shadows under clock hands.

and once again I think I would have liked it better with commas.
Other then that I think this poem is fine.

I really like your poem

Hey there, IgniteTheStars !!

This is Eros here with a review for you !!

Your style or writing is very simple to understand. I love the choice of set of the words. The way you have described the feeling of "feeling broken", is superb.

The poem has a very smooth flow. What is the flow of the poem...? By that, I mean that the ideas are linked to each other in a very smooth waym.
I loved the whole poem. It was awesome. It had a deep sadness and a story of a broken soul.

Loved the piece.

Keep writing such amazing and awesome stuff and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them !

Have a great day / night !

~Eros.