Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Holy… Mother of God…” I couldn’t help it, my legs were frozen to the spot. It’s not like any sane person anywhere else on Earth wouldn’t have been petrified with a huge Fire Demon transeomating out of nowhere right into your face. I’d seen small ones before, but this one was like a page from the Book of the Universes’ Most Horrifying Things. Ten feet tall and wreathed in flames, boy was I screwed. I tried to duck away before I got scorched by a torrent of superheated ethereal fire, but he shot those things out of it’s mouth crazy fast. His red-hot blast surged through the nothingness separating us and shattered my valkyr into a thousand ethereal pieces. ‘No time for panic.’ I forced my body to comply and whipped out my mahdi.

“Come here faela, come to papa,” I tried to sound confident, but inside, my stomach was climbing up my throat. I could feel a huge lump clogging up my windpipe. I darted across the room, my skofaern speeding me past the Demon’s hulking form,”Vatn!” A massive spray of water appeared and drenched the Demon, sending tufts of thick steam into the air, fogging everything up. I crouched, waiting for his next attack, pausing while the steam cleared. ‘Maybe that finished him.’ Hell, was I praying that finished him.

My hopes were dashed as a bellowing roar shook the room and hundreds of fireballs shot in all directions. The very air I breathed seemed to be on fire, every inch of it inside the room was thick and hot. If that thing didn’t kill me first, I’d suffocate in here.

“Fara!” I jumped towards the Demon as sprouts of flame shot past me. Flying through the air, I clutched the chain around my neck. A blinding flash of blue light crowded into the room, and the Demon and I dropped into one of the Aether.

Hi, I'll be reviewing your writing. This is a little short, but as a prologue it's fine and kind of interesting. I'm definitely curious about what will happen/what's going on, but I'm not 100% hooked. Yet.

“Holy… Mother of God…” I couldn’t help it, my legs were frozen to the spot. It’s not like any sane person anywhere else on Earth wouldn’t have been petrified #FF0000 ">by a huge Fire Demon transeomating out of nowhere right into your face.

I tried to duck away before I got scorched by a torrent of superheated ethereal fire, but #FF0000 ">he shot those things out of #FF0000 ">it’s mouth crazy fast.

His red-hot blast surged through the nothingness separating us and shattered my valkyr into a thousand ethereal pieces. ‘No time for panic.’ I forced my body to comply and whipped out my mahdi.

“Come here faela, come to papa,” I tried to sound confident, but inside, my stomach was climbing up my throat.

The very air I breathed seemed to be on fire, every inch of it thick and hot. Cut down on your wordage. you tend to use a lot of unnecessary words, which muddle up your writing.

“Fara!”

Hello, I came here after writing a review on the first chapter of this novel, and now I wish I had read the prologue first. I liked the feel of the book after the first chapter and after reading the prologue, I love it. Can't wait to see what you will do with the story. I see that Ben is still talking to himself, which makes me smile for some reason. I'm liking the quirks and attitude that you are giving this character. The prologue does exactly what it sets out to do. It sets the tone of the novel to come and provides information that grabs my interest. Once again loving your action scenes. If there's one thing that caught my editing eye, it's the use of a "be" verb in:

My hopes were dashed as a bellowing roar shook the room and hundreds (I think you need an of here) fireballs shot in all directions.

I've read over it again, and it's way better than before I couldn't really spot any obvious mistakes, but there's some sentences I think you could make better so i've added in suggestions. You probably won't agree with some of them, but I hope I've helped!

“Holy… Mother of God…” I couldn’t help it, my legs were frozen to the spot. (#8000FF ">There's something about the frozen to the spot I think you could change... There's nothing wrong with the phrase, it's just quite a long phrase so I think it somewhat ruins the tension you've created. Personally I think frozen with fear, or frozen in place might be a little better to build up a bit more tension) It’s not like any sane person anywhere else on Earth #8000FF ">(I think this could be cut down to 'It's not like any other sane person wouldn't have been petrified...'. It's not really needed, but I think if you cut out the less important words and use the most effective ones in their place, the story tends to be a lot better and you don't want to skip. I didn't want to skip this anyway because you didn't rattle on, but it could turn it into an even greater piece.) wouldn’t have been petrified with a huge Fire Demon transeomating out of nowhere right into your face. I’d seen small ones before, but this one was like a page from the Book of the Universes’ Most Horrifying Things. Ten feet tall and wreathed in flames, boy was I screwed. I tried to duck away before I got scorched by a torrent of superheated ethereal fire, but he shot those things out of it’s mouth crazy fast. His red-hot blast surged through the nothingness separating us and shattered my valkyr into a thousand ethereal pieces. ‘No time for panic.’ I forced my body to comply and whipped out my mahdi.#8040BF "> (This part sounds so much better now that you've found replacements for the 'fire' and 'firing'! Really keeps you on your toes, only thing I can suggest changing here is one of the ethereal's because you use it twice )

“Come here faela, come to papa,” I tried to sound confident, but inside, my stomach was climbing up my throat. (Again, sounds much better! ) I could feel a huge lump clogging up my windpipe. I darted across the room, my skofaern speeding me past #8040BF ">(maybe you could change this speeding me past, there's no problem with it, I just think judging by the caliber of some of your other sentences you could make this one even better! )the Demon’s hulking form,”Vatn!” A massive spray of water appeared and drenched the Demon, sending tufts of thick steam into the air, fogging everything up. #8000FF ">(I really like the imagery here) I crouched, waiting for his next attack, pausing while the steam cleared. ‘Maybe that finished him.’ Hell, was I praying that finished him.

My hopes were dashed as a bellowing roar shook the room and hundreds #8000BF ">(I think you need an of here) fireballs shot in all directions. The very air I breathed seemed to be on fire, every inch of it inside the room was thick and hot. If that thing didn’t kill me first, I’d suffocate in here.

“Fara!” I jumped towards the Demon as sprouts of flame shot past me. Flying through the air, I clutched the chain around my neck. A blinding flash of blue light crowded into the room, and the Demon and I dropped into one of the Aether.

#8040BF ">Hope I helped! One thing I'd do once you've made changes, if you decide to make any, is go through each sentence at a time and decide if it's the best you can write. Don't change things too much, but I find some of the sentences in my own work are amazing, but some are just average and once I've changed them the story sounds much better. I've tried to advise you on some of them, but as the writer I think you'll always know more about the story in terms of what's needed and what you can change and stuff, because you know how well you can write. If you read through though, and you spot sentences you're not in love with, try changing them
I agree with the review above about including the meanings to your words in the story, but I don't really think you can add the meanings of the words into the prologue without bogging down the reader. I'd keep it in mind for your next chapters though.

I really like this story though, I think it has a lot of potential. Just write on my wall if you want anything else reviewed

Hello there, Ignatius. That name sounds somewhat familiar.
I will start out by saying, I think this could be a REALLY good book. Really, really, really good. And I'm being dead serious. I love the idea of it--bringing old turning points back into the world.
I think Tish here covered the grammar stuff.
I like your style of writing. It's pretty easy to read, but sometimes when you drag the sentences out (like the synopsis or whatever) it makes the reader feel like they're running the marathon. Commas can be your best friend but try not to drag sentences out to the length of Ulysses.
I can already tell the main character is rather sardonic, which I like. I already feel like I know him and he seems very likable.
Oh, but what I'm worried about is your little list of words there. That may make the reader set the book down, because no one wants to memorize a bunch of hard words. But it's what JK Rowling did--think of all the spells, all the potions, all the books that the reader learns about. She introduces them slowly, and pretty soon the reader can tell you what each spell means because she did so carefully. I like the idea of what you're doing, but I don't want to keep looking back at the vocabulary part to see what certain words mean. I feel like I'm in school. What I would suggest is either drop them or slowly introduce them. By slowly introducing them, you can make the world very elaborate and believable.

I'd love it if you kept me posted on this!
--Lollipopper

Prologue

“Holy… Mother of God…” I couldn’t help it, my legs were frozen to the spot. It’s not like any sane person anywhere else on Earth wouldn’t have been petrified with a huge Fire Demon transeomating out of nowhere right into your face. I’d seen small ones before, but this one was like a page from the Book of the Universes’ Most Horrifying Things. Ten feet tall and wreathed in flames, boy was I screwed. I tried to duck away before I got scorched by a torrent of superheated ethereal flames, but he shot those things out of it’s mouth crazy fast. His flaming blast surged through the nothingness separating us and shattered my valkyr into a thousand ethereal pieces. ‘No time for panic.’ I forced my body to comply and whipped out my mahdi. #8000BF ">(Loved this, only thing I picked up on was your use of flames twice, and then flaming. It kind of took the effect away from the word, because it was used so much. I looked for a replacement word, but it's really hard to find one with the same effect so maybe you could change the sentence to remove one of the flames? Like I said though, this is the only thing I spotted so it's not that big a deal )

“Come here faela, come to papa,” #8000BF ">(There's something about this part I didn't like. I'm not sure what. Maybe you could change it to "Come here faela, come to papa," I -insert said/asked/some kind of good, well fitting word here-. Boy did I seem.. and so on. Or maybe you could have the "Come here faela, come to papa" and then start a new paragraph with Boy did I seem... I don't know, have a play around with it ) boy did I seem confident, but inside, my stomach was climbing up my throat, I could feel a huge lump clogging up my windpipe.#8000BF "> (I think this sentence is too long, and that the length takes away it's effectiveness. I think it'd be better if you split it into shorter sentences.) I darted across the room, my skofaern speeding me past the Demon’s hulking form, ”Vatn!” A massive spray of water appeared and drenched the Demon, sending tufts of thick steam into the air, fogging everything up. I crouched, waiting for his next attack, pausing while the steam cleared. ‘Maybe that finished him.’ Hell, was I praying that finished him.

My hopes were dashed as a bellowing roar shook the room and hundreds fireballs #800080 ">(hundreds of fireballs?) shot in all directions. The very air I breathed seemed to be on fire, every inch of it inside the room was thick and hot. #8000BF ">(I loved that sentence!) If that thing didn’t kill me first, I’d suffocate in here.

“Fara!” I jumped towards the Demon as sprouts of flame shot past me. Flying through the air, I clutched the chain around my neck. A blinding flash of blue light crowded into the room, and the Demon and I dropped into one of the Aether.

#8000FF ">I like it It's full of action, which I think is a great idea for a prologue. I don't want to be bogged down with why, I'd rather see the action and decide if I should read on first I think your first and last paragraph were the strongest paragraphs. I hope my review helped!