you are made of wine,
of crow’s feet and silver hairs,
of footsteps treading across the eve of a winter’s day,
tracks that sink below but never quite disappear
you thrive off of the attention, don’t you?
as fingertips glide and stroke, heartbeats fluttering like hummingbirds
as keys are worn down and broken in, letters blurring away so
smudged prints can take their place
through you, bonds stretch across
hills and plains; broken not by recalcitrant seas
or uncontrolled winds, but by storms of words and
a flurry of emotions slammed across the screen;
and through you, bonds are strengthened
as points across the globe are connected,
laughs and tears exchanged not by touch of hand
but touch of heart
ten years cannot be described
through word of mouth or ink on parchment,
nor the endless skype messages or the chat logs;
nor the tears gathered from the cotton bed sheets
or from the sounds of joy rising in the air like smoke,
impossible to catch as they melt into the stars
or, rather, thumb through the postcards,
addresses once etched in calligraphy,
now marred by raindrops
maybe by the way you brought
them into my life, and the way they smile
or the way they worked their way into my heart,
their little lights flickering along the path
they created, helping me out of the abyss
i slip into when i’m not looking
perhaps that’s the reason “i love you” was born,
to encompass the weight of the reasons and relay them
in a way that only you will understand, and in a way
i can’t even begin to explain
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hey Iggy, I thought to review you because you've come a long way in this poetry thing- but now, perhaps, I think you should work on clarity.
Now usually, I go on about the lack of emotion but here- you have something rare. You made this situation yours by using an odd set of words that express the character. It is decently original, and that is about the main thing we all really care about usually. That is why I like it, however, we as readers can't really pull any significance out of it until it is clearer.
These are your strongest lines and as an opening they are in a great place-however, you should take the time to read it as your reader. We don't know what this means. Each line is forming another concept to leave it without an explanation or even a hint to what is talking about.For example, you compare them to crows feet and then the next line you immediately compare them to footsteps, which are they and why? Is it good, bad? Does the symbolism mean anything at all? We cannot connect dots that you aren't giving us.
Stars in all its glory is a cliche image and now it is blank words, meaningless and wasted. Truly, we have to find ways to find the meaning in unique things. I know the power of stars are great but the emotion is in making the words yours. Think of something original and it will be emotional.
This is awkward, and again the abyss is unoriginal.
Every time you use the same words you are adding to awkwardness in your poetry and in this case the word reasons shouldn't be said twice. It is costing you precious words and should be re written. Also, it makes no sense. Look closer at the sentence "the reason “i love you” was born, to encompass the weight of the reasons" It does not make sense as a sentence nor as a poem. Instead pull out your intended message and re-write. We are lost here.
Ilu x100 thank you <3
Welcome Iggy!
Timmy here
I came to review this work with the intention of nitpicking this piece, and just pulling it apart to find lots of stuff to help you with... but after reading this over one time, gah, I don't know. I honestly just read this with the intention of finding something to talk about, something I could pull apart and, um, rip to shreds. Just because I think that is what good reviewers do. But I don't know if I can.
Let's see what I can dig up, though.
So this part didn't make sense to me. At all. It seemed like something that would be inside of an old English ballad that is just supposed to bring tears to the eye, but no understanding to the reader. I know that you know what it means, and no doubt many other people understand it as well. But perhaps you could reword it or something to make it more understandable? Or perhaps I am simply too ignorant to understand. xD Maybe you could explain to me, and then I would understand?
So I understood what you meant by slammed in the relation with the emotions, but with the screen... well, it didn't seem to work. Slamming it across the screen would no doubt smash the screen. hee-hee
Comparing the word sounds to the other parts of this sentence, I think it sounds a little... plain and vague. Perhaps you could look for a stronger synonym? "Peals" is only one of the words that come to my mind.
And that is all I could find. >.< In all honesty, and without exaggeration, this is one of the most visual and perfect poems I have ever read on her, Iggy. No exaggeration. Promise. The message was just beautiful, and how you expressed it, told about the journey - just everything about it - really spoke out to me. Okay, yeah, I know I am a part of this website and share the love you do for it, but still. It spoke out to me even if I couldn't relate. The entire poem, and your descriptions, your word choice - just everything in the poem - was written very beautifully.
I don't like having my reviews so short, but I find I don't have anything else to say. :/ I wish you would write more and post more of this poetry. It was really beautiful. <3
~Darth Timmyjake
Ilu
I barely have speech to write anything, but I must say-phenomenal.
You asked for it.
I already told you that I loved this--and that's my sentimental stance on the matter. Objectively speaking, it's mostly good; the problem is that you use elements of technology that for one reason or another never fit well into poetry. By that I mean that 'skype messages' and 'chat logs' just don't flow well, and you know this. Despite their lack of fluidity, though, they add to the sentiment. So when you weigh whether or not these parts are 'yes good' or 'ehhh no thnx', remember that they do accomplish a goal in reeling the reader into your personal experience of YWS. I'm not sure if they help celebrate it, but they definitely do something because I'm at a loss of what to replace them with.
Either way, you know this is hardly a review, but rather an affirmation that there are necessary evils in the poem that are necessary for the right reasons and evil for reasons of taste. You recover from their hiccup with your postcards and calligraphy, so don't think that your imagery is shoddy; it's just in talks with some clunky characters.
You know what you're doing.
Ty
You're wonderful.
Hey,
All I want to do is be happy about this poem because it's for YWS, but alas this is a review so that is what I must do, review. Right off the bat I think you have a very nice use of vocabulary in this poem. It's clear you put some thought into it. Now for some nitpicks;
you are made of wine (Y should be capitalized)
You know what. No, I'm not doing this. This is a birthday poem for a site I love so I refuse to use my awesome reviewer skills to dismantle this poem. Lovely job! It's an amazing poem. I hope you keep writing.
Sincerely,
Collideascope
OK I officially hate you because this is too amazing. Even better then Mesh's (who I also hate). I can't even write a decent poem for YWS's birthday. Glad someone was able to.
This poem is very nice. I enjoy the structure and the dedication (happy 10th birthday even though I'm late, YWS). The poem flows very nicely, and I also like the insertion of little personal experiences ("nor the endless skype messages or the chat logs; / nor the tears gathered from the cotton bed sheets") throughout the poem. It tells a unique story of one person's experience with the website, and it gets across the attachment and greatness of the site without getting cliché or boring. It really helps to emphasize how, even if the internet is digital and "not real", the experiences and feelings that we get from it are very much real.
I really enjoyed this poem and I enjoy you as a writer, so I give this a 10/10. Keep on writing!
I was extremely confused as to what this poem was about until I looked at the date. This is a beautiful tribute