i stand by my door and i wait for it to pass.
the earth drowns under the weight of the sky's tears,
lightning strikes the trees and their screams boom through the air.
the wind kicks up leaves and dirt as the earth opens her mouth
and she yells, and they are shot across the land,
slamming against windows, banging on the roof.
and i can feel her pain in my chest, her weight on my shoulders,
her hugs cut through my body and set the ends of my hair on fire.
the crevasses in my heart open wider as she slams me down
to the floor and off my feet, and her misery is my own.
she tells me to come outside. through the water, i drag my feet
and her voice whips around my face and dives into my lungs.
her tears soak into my skin and curve around my bones,
and my fingers grasp at straws, longing to find the words
to describe the feeling in my chest. she tells me to scream
and i scream, and i scream.
her kisses touch my eyes and my lips,
and she draws it out of me. i can feel her smiling.
the clouds are parting and she brings out the sun just for me,
bathing me in the light. across the sky, she draws a rainbow
and she beckons me to look, and her touch eases the pain in my heart.
i can feel her hands through my hair and her love in my ear
as she tells me to step forward, into the light.
i do as she asks.
the prompt for this poem was to write about a thunderstorm without using the words thunder, rain, storm, or umbrella. i know i used the word rainbow but it was okayed by the prompt creator OK OK DON'T @ ME
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi! Oh my, this was magical. I loved the personification of the earth--a motherly figure. It made me feel comforted even though a storm was occurring at the time.
As the narrator was listening to the beckoning of the earth, I felt the same pull you describe; I could feel the "tears" on my skin and in my bones. Oh, it was wonderful!!
Honestly, I have no critique for this: all compliments. I could go on forever (literally) but sadly I can't.
You are a very skilled writer and I am humbled by your writing. *applause for you*
I can't wait to read more of your works!
-Louisiana
This was absolutely wonderful. I loved the visuals and the personification displayed in this! My only critic would probably be in the sentence "her hugs cut through my body...", as the word hug gives more of a positive and happy connotation, when what you're going for in this part seems to be more like fear. Other than that I love love love the word choice and all the descriptions!!
Igglebop my delight, my blessing, my heart upon hearts! I have missed reading your poetry.
That said, this is a thick poem, heavy with unnecessary description I think. Your first line is a triumph, it is strong and hitting and I love it. I would love it if it was the entirety of your poem. It feels and is said and yes.
But then we sink so quickly into too much. I feel like you were hampered by the constraints even though I KNOW you can write a beautiful poem about thunderstorms without any of those words. I would move"the wind kicks up" to be your second line (keeping the line break as it is) because I think it is more hard hitting. I would lose the "and they are shot...banging on the roof" because I don't think it's description you need and it isn't as strong as the next line. I don't think you need the tears line - the rain isn't the interesting thing in your poem, the unbearable weight of the sky's screams is, and that works much more efficiently and clearly in your poem. I know this because I feel it too when your narrator feels the pain in the chest, the weight on the shoulders - this is a great line. I would consider losing the "hugs" entirely and shape it to "cutting" and I would think hard about crevasses, but otherwise the ending of this stanza is solid and the image is very strong and emotionally charged.
"her tears soak into my skin and curve around my bones,
and my fingers grasp at straws, longing to find the words
to describe the feeling in my chest." - Again I don't think you need "tears" maybe because the connection feels cliched? I don't know, but I feel that you're better than that, and I can prove it because if you swap "her tears" for "she soaks" it is glorious. Active and powerful again. I would play with the "to describe the feeling in my chest" - that is a slow end to a strong sentence. Consider something like "to pull from the feeling..." because I think an action would service you better. The beginning of this stanza is great and I wouldn't touch it.
"she tells me to scream
and i scream, and i scream." This is great, I would throw the final "and i scream" on its own line. It's powerful and punchy. I love the "and" so much. This is followed by a gorgeous couplet, I wouldn't change a thing.
This final stanza is here and there, I think it ends perfectly, the last sentence is perfect. I think the middle two lines flirt with being too dramatic. I would consider losing "across the sky" and connect "she draws a rainbow" to "in the light" just because I think the flow is better. I think my problem with the next line is that a beckon is not a touch, and so is it the touch of the light? of the rainbow? It's a strange ambiguity that shouldn't matter to me but does - this may not matter to anyone but me!
Your final line sings. I love it, keep it always. So perfect as an accompaniment to the first line; a response and answer, i stand by the door by her instruction, I wait for what she asks, I obey. Glorious, I'm in love.
Thank you for sharing this, I have missed you!
<3