Published October 13, 2005
This was written (obviously) between waking up and falling asleep again, so please let me know how to make it appropraite for the waking world. Thanks.
Sleep
sharing a couch, I rest oninbeside you
and you are warmer than down.
breath swells your chest and I feel it rise
and fall against me.
like a cat, you take two for my one.
I ride your breath as you
tumble into sleep
and then I am asleep
in your arms.
I know it is you I am oninbeside so I sleep
delicious sleep
Sweet peach sleep
and I pull your arm around me and I wrap up in your down.
this is the sleep
I dream about.
I drink the sleep
this nectar sleep
and the warm sleep
wells from my belly like tea.
and your breath fills your belly and I feel you
oninbeside me and our sleep
is tangled like we are.
you rouse me much too soon and,
though oninbeside you ,
I am bereft without the sleep
that you shared.
with my eyes, begrudging, open,
and sleep’s nectar
seepingseepinggone
I wonder what sleep
I have downed.
it was man sleep
sweet sleep
never wear makeup to an interview sleep
never park under a lamppost sleep
never dare slap my ass sleep
give me what I deserve sleep
sweet peach sleep
man sleep.
I want more.
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Gee, thanks Carmina
I like the word play. I like that you invent new compund words. I like the play on words with, "I wrap up in your down". Up and down is funny and down with own meaning is a nice image. Cute. You have nice imagery. I liked, "I ride your breath", "nector sleep." I did not quite get:
"never wear makeup to an interview sleep
never park under a lamppost sleep
never dare slap my ass sleep
give me what I deserve sleep"
There is so much sweet and romantic and gentle and positive that the repetition of "never" seems kinda wrong. That and,as fun as it is, I don't think of ass slapping as terribly sleepy or romantic.
Anyway, onthe whole great imagery. I don't think you repeated the word sleep too much. I liked the poem. It made me want to go to bed and cuddle up with my honey.
Considering the theme is sleep, the title is Sleep, and everyhthing about the poem is sleep...
Yeah, sleep is not overused here...
I had a chance to read a few of your poems. Of all the ones I've read, I like this one the most. I did not feel like the word "sleep" was over used but instead helped give the poem a healthy rhythm.
I don't know much about writing poetry but I think you used the word sleep to much. Meh!
~Lozareth~
This I like a lot! It seems really natural. I think you shouldn't change it too much. The only thing I thought was that it was quite long, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I like the use of 'oninbeside', it really compliments the haziness of the poem.
I'm feeling sleepy after just reading it!
A new poem!
I can definitely tell you wrote this after just waking up...but that's good, since that's how you wanted the tone to feel, right? IT's not that you made any errors....I guess it's just the general feel of it--sounds kinda lazy, like you don't want to get up, that moment when you wake up and you think "damn, that was a good dream, too..."
Very nice.
I also like how you keep up the "guy as down" analogy.
By my clock it says you posted this around 3:00 AM....even if you're on the East coast it would still be 6:00 AM... and from your spelling you look to be American...
...what is it with me and my tangents recently?
How can you write that early in the morning?
Anyway, nice work once again, I'll be keeping my eye on your stuff...lo me gusta muy muy mucho.
--Q