Made in perversion of His image (Creationists beware)

I was all mouth at first-
A fleshy ring of anxious need-
Insatiable. (Doesn't work too well)

I hatched a belly to gorge (Again with hunger, if you eat you need a belly)
And poked a hollow navel to remind that I am (Remind that I am...empty? Awkward)
Empty.

I grew legs to propel me from this hunger (from hunger or by hunger?)
And arms, to grasp at anything-
Urgent. ( does not work well)

I sprouted eyes to look like everyone else, (eyes do not make you look like everyone else. They see.)
And donned clothes to hide myself from them- (Again...from who.)
Profane. (still no sense)

I plucked out hands to create the New (why caps on New?)
And feet to stamp all else to (sounds like you are using ruin to finish...)
Ruin.

I stretched a cord so I could say, (speak.)
And a brain burbled to believe, that I am (burbled...odd word choice for this line)
Human.

I sipped a soul so I could pray
And hammered a heart to love and hate-
Selfish.

The need is greater than all my parts.
I am still just a mouth,
All teeth, tongue, and want.

A monster.

---------------

Ya this really didn't go over so well with me. If you are going to do a poem on carnal humanism, this is really not the way to go about it. Most of the middle and beginning stanzas didn't flow or make much sense to the whole. Also, advertising 'Creationists beware' you are inviting problems. Be more subtle if you don't want people taking it against you for this work. Many people should and WILL find wrong in your view of humanity and when put like this, its hard to imagine why not.

Gorgeous. I loved it. Not much to critique, except MAYBe you might want to make the word 'monster' fit in a little better. The rest of the poem is fluid, smooth, and then, bam, a single word.

On second thought, do't. It rather brings the reader back into the harsh reality. Like, you become so absorbed in picturing this creature, that you forget it's not supposed to be a beautiful thing. Then that one-liner just thrusts you back into reality - you're reading about something that's not gorgeous.

This was really amazing! It was a great use of imagery and expressed a really passionate opinion that came through. The abstract use of words like "sipped a soul" made it truly incredible. Definitely a great read!

~Nightfall

Don't worry we weren't going to argue, we were just chatting, and we didn't argue anyway, did we?

So relax, it's okay. =)

really offbeat
loved it. great writing style.
do u really eat worms!!??

Honestly, I thought the monster part fit in perfectly with the whole thing, and evolution v. creationism hardly matters in a metaphorical poem.

That being said, I liked this poem very much.

Please don't argue in my poem's thread. I got my hopes all up thinking 12 people actually responded. Pooey.

I'm surprise that you guys jumped on the religion thing. This was a self portrait. I realized while writing it that it was applicable to the human condition, and ran with that a bit. I put the warning in the title because the morphing of the monster mirrors evolution, and I wanted to get that out of the way.

The word "monster" was running rampant through my head while I was writing this. It's the perfect summary for my though process. I'm not taking it out.

Im always online. I get emails whenever something new is posted, so I can always refresh the page then.

Just because you did not outright say it does not mean you didn't bring in intothis...

And why is it everytime I'm on, you're on? That's so wierd and coincidental. (I'm not angry, just wondering...)

Solis, I said nothing about religion.

Branden, leave religion out of this, you cannot critique a poem because it offends religion. If you don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that. Other than that, I loved it.

What exactly are you saying?? That God is a monster?? That His creation was a monster?? This is very wrong.

I've got some kind of Gregorian chant in the background at the moment, so I'm more sympathetic to this piece than I might be otherwise.

But that may be the problem. Other than after midnight, genuflecting at "Poet's Corner" at St. John the Divine, lots of dripping wax and heavy scents, I don't know that you're going to get a terribly sympathetic audience for something like this.

The one word at the end of every stanza sounds horribly portentious. The auto-da-fe went out with the Edsel a few years back -- and that's what this sounds like.

I, too, am all "teeth, tongue and want." But I don't consider myself a "monster." I just consider myself a guy at home on a Friday night without a date, reading poetry.

Were I Roman Catholic, that might be cool. I'm not. It ain't.

Sorry. 'Wish I could lift some pom-poms for this piece, but I can't -- and won't.

Brad

Only nit-pick I have is that you say "And arms, to grasp at anything- " before you say, "I plucked out hands to create the New". I thought the hands came with the arms because I think of grasping at things as being something done with hands. Arms alone you can hug, hold, but I don't know about grasp. But that is the only nit-pick I have. I thought it was great. I'm jealous.

Wow. You really do have a talent for writing. I really loved this piece. It flowed beautifully and, in my opinion, used a very unique image to get the point across. The only part I thought was a bit off was...

I stretched a cord so I could say,
And a brain burbled to believe, that I am
Human.

Aside from the fact that I severely disapreciate religiously oriented literature/lyric, nor do I particularly care for poetry, this piece seems to work. The symbollic single last word in each stanza doesn't seem to really work until the later half of the poem. The wording flows better later on than it does in the beginning, and you might consider rethinking some of that.

And why should creationsists beware, exactly? I really like your style in this.

Okay, to begin with, this is a really solid piece. I appreciate the consistent tone and the uniform apperance. It helps the reader cope with the content a little better. Dealing with erratic lines and intense content makes readers cranky (belive me I know!). I've never been one for anti-humanist poetry, but I think the tone here is much more sad than anything else. You seem to be mourning the reality of humanity--although we have evolved beyond our original aomebic ancestors, we are still controlled exclusively by our primal instincts. Very nice, very nice. Okay, now for the nit-picky stuff:

Portrait-----> I really like this as a beginner. I can hear it being read aloud at an open-mike.

I was all mouth at first-
A fleshy ring of anxious need-
Insatiable.

I hatched a belly to gorge
And poked a hollow navel to remind that I am----->Remind who?
Empty.

I grew legs to propel me from this hunger
And arms, to grasp at anything-
Urgent.

I sprouted eyes to look like everyone else,
And donned clothes to hide myself from them-
Profane.--------->Do you hide your nakedness because it's profane, or our of shame...or even fear, perhaps?

I plucked out hands to create the New----->Plucked out? This is awkward. Try some other combinations.
And feet to stamp all else to
Ruin.

I stretched a cord so I could say,
And a brain burbled to believe, that I am
Human.

I sipped a soul so I could pray
And hammered a heart to love and hate-
Selfish.---->Why do hearts make us selfish? Be intensely aware of your intent here.

The need is greater than all my parts.
I am still just a mouth,
All teeth, tongue, and want.

A monster. -------->This is the only line I didn't care for, really. It takes the tone from one of saddness to one of loathing. If I were you, I'd cut it. But I'm not you. However, it opens up the poem to an entirely new concept...then ends there. It's a little uncomfortable.

Oooh first review *does dance* LOL Unfortunately I cant be v. helpful cuz I loved it I'm sorry! I did! Every word! You're just too good.... No, seriously, I thought it was wonderful. Kudos!