(Read the author's note first please) Hello everyone! I'm new here, so please be patient with me. Here is the story I've been working on for a while. I already have a bunch of chapters written. It's in a non-linear format, so if you're get confused that's ok. It's my first time writing in such a format, so I don't know how it will turn out.I have three storylines currently. The first one takes place in the present, the second in the past and the third in the future. Enjoy!
P.S Sorry, if this I kind of long. I tried to cut it at a natural stopping point. This has also undergone some minor/major edits over the past couple of weeks.
Present
The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; the moss green carpet, filled with static, shocked his feet. He glanced around, eyes resting on the large tables in the center of the shop. He didn't feel like sitting down, although the orange and black armchairs looked comfortable. Instead, he walked up to the counter-top and slumped against it, the tips of his black hair touching the counter. He was feeling uneasy today. The barista boy looked at him, rolled his hazel eyes and disappeared into the kitchen. Five minutes later, he came back with a cup of black-brown sludge.
"Here, the boss wants you to try this." The boy stared at it with a disgusted look."I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house."
Seres glared at him, his slivery-sapphire eyes making the boy step back, and then he glared at the coffee. Oh, great. Zane made this. I hope I don't get sick again like last time.
"Well you aren't the boss's best friend," he said sourly, taking a sip. He immediately spat it out, grimacing. An omen, Seres thought. "He calls this is coffee?! This tastes like-"
"Seres! I see you tasted my new blend! How is it?" The boss ambled in from the kitchen, thick, black smoke trailing in his wake. It stained the pumpkin walls and dulled the leaf covered metal tree on the wall behind the counter. The smells of burnt paper, myrrh, strawberry and coffee drifted out of the closing kitchen door.
"Hey Zane, what happened this time?" Seres said, sighing.
"I was in the kitchen experimenting with some new ingredients," Zane said, brushing some white powder off of his apron, "and they caught on fire."
"What new ingredients," Seres asked, trading a nervous glance with the barista boy. They both came to the , silent, agreement that Zane was crazy enough to keep trying to cook when everyone knew he couldn't.
Zane grinned, shaking some soot out of his fire-colored hair, "Sorry, can't tell you, trade secret, So what do you think?" He pointed at the cup. Seres eyed it and then Zane's hopeful face.
"Sorry, it's a little too strong for me.
Zane checked his watch, a large, gaudy thing on his wrist, "It's five thirty; where is the rest of my staff?"
Seres glanced around. It was true; the only people working were Zane and the barista boy.
"You should call them, boss," the barista boy said.
Zane gave him a puzzled look and walked back into the kitchen.
"You're new here," Seres said to the barista boy; it wasn't a question.
"How'd you know?"
Seres laughed, "No one ever called Zane 'boss' before. Plus I haven't seen you around before. Where're you from?
"Telema"
Seres gave him a blank look, "Is that in Quilae?"
The barista boy smiled, "No, but close. It's in the country next to it, Kiranné."
"One of the tíz város."
The barista boy looked surprised, "You've heard of the ten cities?"
"I run a bookstore." Seres said glancing around the cafe, "plenty of time to learn about the old culture. How come no one's in here yet?"
The barista boy snorted, "You came in here at five fifteen. You're the only early riser I've met so far."
"It's a perfectly decent hour."
"Is it? You're the only non-zombie person I've seen at five fifteen. Everyone else is walking around coffee deprived." He pointed to the girl scrutinizing the menu. She didn't look like a zombie, in fact with the dark circles around her eyes she looked like a panda. He mentioned this to barista boy.
"Yeah, but she's still not as well dressed as you are. I haven't seen anyone else wearing jeans and a t-shirt this early, most people wear sweats and bathrobes. Now that guy on the other hand is an early riser just like you." He pointed towards the man in the doorway, a man Seres hadn't seen in twenty years. He had changed the way he dressed. Before he wore suits; now he was wearing a large duster and black, soft pants.
"Wolf," Seres murmured, the familiar smell of cinnamon and clove clouding his senses. I knew it. What's he doing here?
"You know him?"
"I thought I did"
"What you mean?"
" We were friends once. We don't talk now. We," he paused, glancing at the door again. "I should go talk to him," he said instead and stepped forward. He rubbed his fingers over his nails. Let's stop trouble before it starts. Wolf looked at him with nervous eyes. Good, be afraid of me.
"Hello Wolf, what are you doing here?"
"I," he paused, shuffling his feet, "have something of yours. I came to return it."
"And what exactly would you have that belongs to me?"
" A piece," Wolf said, pulling out a small compass, "of your soul."
"And I'm supposed to believe that?" Seres curled his hands inside his pockets; his nails cut into his skin. It can't be. Why would you have this? Why would they give you this?
Wolf held it out, "Take it"
Seres eyed it warily, taking a step back, "You might have done something to it." You wouldn't give it to me just like that.
"I give you my word." Seres laughed, causing the barista boy to frown and panda girl to glare. "Sorry," he told them. "Your word," he said to Wolf, "means nothing to me." You betrayed me once. If I let you in you may do it again.
"Take it," Seres paused, considering him. He hasn't gotten much sleep; he hasn't eaten very well....does he?
"You have a death wish," he said. He took his right hand out of his pocket and pressed it against his leg..
Wolf blinked, "Why do you think that."
"I remember telling you that if I saw you again I'd kill you and yet you're here." I definitely don't want to see you again.
Wolf gave him a toothy grin, "I don't mind dying...you can have my life as your reparation."
"No" Why would you want to die? You wouldn't want to leave her alone like that. Not now.
Wolf frowned, "Why not?"
"Because you want to die" I won't let you...not until you feel the pain that I felt.
Wolf stared at him in shock. Seres took the compass from his hand. It shimmered, strands of sapphire rising out to coil around his wrist. My soul. It wants to come back to me.
"Hmm, you were telling the truth after all." The strands outlined thin scars that ran down his wrist before sinking under his skin. Seres relaxed a little, the hand in his pocket slightly uncurling. Seres looked up at him, "why are you here?"
"What do you mean?"
"You could have sent the compass to me...instead you delivered it yourself. Why?" He frowned at him, eyes narrowing.
"I wanted to see you."
"I'm not going to kill you."
"You said that already."
"It needed repeating. What's the real reason?"
Wolf looked out at the prairie, hesitation in his voice, "I don't have anywhere else to go." Seres frowned and looked around the cafe. The barista boy was staring at them with undisguised interest and panda girl was trying to get his attention by leaning over the counter, her zebra striped scarf dangling in the space between them.
"Let's go sit down," he gestured to the armchairs and tucked the compass into his pocket, "I'll get us some coffee." That's all I wanted this morning. I really shouldn't have gotten out of bed.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
Hey Fishster! I had to read this from the beginning.
The coffee shop, Esnatzen, was empty when Seres walked in; the moss green carpet, filled with static, shocked his feet. <-- The static bit seems really random.
He glanced around, eyes resting on the large tables in the center of the shop. He didn't feel like sitting down, although the orange and black armchairs looked comfortable. Instead, he walked up to the counter-top and slumped against it, the tips of his black hair touching the counter. He was feeling uneasy today. The barista boy looked at him, rolled his hazel eyes and disappeared into the kitchen. Five minutes later, he came back with a cup of black-brown sludge.
"Here, the boss wants you to try this." The boy stared at it with a disgusted look. <--space here--> "I'm glad the boss isn't making me drink that, even if it's on the house."
"What new ingredients," Seres asked, trading a nervous glance with the barista boy. <-- Should be a question mark.
They both came to the ,<-------- ZOMG. RANDOM COMMA--> silent, agreement that Zane was crazy enough to keep trying to cook when everyone knew he couldn't.
"Sorry, it's a little too strong for me. <-- missing quotation mark!
Seres laughed, <-- Should be a period. --> "No one ever called Zane 'boss' before. Plus I haven't seen you around before.
" We were friends once. We don't talk now. We," <-- should be a dash, not a comma.
This was very funny! Like a mad dash of randomness. Loved it! There were a couple of weird spots (see above) but all in all, it's a mad rush and I love the pacing. I'm so glad there's more.
Hey Idraax! Thanks for entering my First Chapter Contest! Here's a thanks-for-entering review!
This is Wolf speaking, but it looks like it's Seres speaking. It should look something like:
"Take it." Seres paused, considering him.
Or, it could be broken into two seperate paragraphs.
This was a pretty interesting chapter. I'm intruiged to read more, which is good, but I still feel like something is lacking in this chapter. A lot of the place and character setting descriptions weren't as effective as they could be. The coffee shop was pretty well represented, but then the world stopped directly at the doors. What else is out there? What is directly outside that door? It's not particularly important at this point, but it would be nice to know.
The character descriptions were probably most lacking. We get a bit of how a few of the characters act (Zane and Seres, mostly) but I have very little idea of how they even look. You want to avoid info dumping boring and tedious physical appearances, but there needs to be some distinguishing description so that the characters don't end up faceless shadows. I was told once that every time you introduce a new place/character there should be four lines of prose describing/introducing them. While four lines can sometimes be way too much, it's a good rule to go by. Write four lines of description (or more) about a character or place and then cut it down to the bare bones. What makes this character/place immedeately recognizable? What do other characters immedeatly notice about them/it? Those are the kinds of descriptions you want to include.
Well I don't have much more to say. This chapter was a really interesting read, I especially liked the bit about Seres' soul and as a reader would be most intruiged to learn more about that whole ordeal. Just work on the descriptions and you'll be right on your way to a fantastic chapter. Great job, and definitely keep writing!
Thanks again for entering my contest!
-Lauren-
Final impressions:
You need a comma between Bob and the quotation mark to correct this sentence.
This is wrong. "Bob turns around" should be in another paragraph because the above implies Bob said, "Hey Bob."
When Bob starts speaking, it should be a new paragraph.
You might want to check these articles out:
Punctuation within Dialogue, by Demeter
Punctuation Marks, by Rosey Unicorn
Dialogue Grammar, by Snoink
Actually, I think you can do with a little more descriptions in this piece. oo" Note that I rarely say this, but I mean it this time. In the beginning, there's quite a bit of description, but as the piece wore on, you seem to have forgotten that the reader is practically blind/senseless in this world. You need to guide the reader through. X]
Your interactions also veer towards overdramatic. Sometimes I made a face. >.O Realism is the key here. Maybe it's not overdramatic, but you have to keep in mind that we readers have no context with which to view this. If we had more background, we'd probably be able to sympathize better. In this light, I think that maybe starting off like this isn't the best idea for the moment. There are too many intense emotions involved, and as a reader, I can't understand why they exist because I don't know the whole stories behind them. oo"
Anyway, those were my two cents. PM me if you have any questions or have anything to say about my review!
Sincerely,
Octave
Thank you Shubhi! I will keep that in mind. I might hold off editing this until December because that's when I have vacation.
Hey there Idra, Shubhi here to review. Late, but finally here. So yay! lol
Static? I guess you're talking of the static electricity, aren't you? So shouldn't you be adding some word after static like current, or energy or something because otherwise it sort of looks incomplete to me. As for the start, I think it was simple but yet captivating. Personally I believe that the start of a novel or a story looks better if it is simple but yet convincing. So good job done.This whole part needs revision. First of all you need to put a question mark after new ingredients in the dialog thing, and then the second sentence has unnecessary commas, which I think is some sort of typo only. SO you can figure it out yourself.
This was good, could have definitely been better. Whatever I read, I could see that you have a potential to write very good, but just somehow the emotions didn't flow that well, and I was really not able to feel anything here. If to speak honestly, I think there were many places where you should have let the time stop and describe more things, more of emotions. To begin with, the start was nice, well planned and I really liked the coffee tasting thing and the scene you had created. But my problem was with the descriptions-they were there but very less and not that impressive. But I take it as your writing style, but sometimes you need to stop and let the things be described to the reader-the emotions, the scene.
To be more precise, the place where the character, Seres that is sees the person he has not seen for twenty years, there is no excitement, no surprise or anything of that sort. He just plainly adds-I haven't seen this person for years." So that is what was the most upsetting thing about this piece. Their meeting after so many years didn't look awkward, they didn't see each other like people do after so many years, there was nothing special. It was as if they were meeting after some months or maybe even a day. So I would suggest you to work and focus on this point. It might be so that you don't want to stress upon this all but a little won't harm and it is also important to do so since the readers would be perplexed if you don't.
That was how the story progressed. But I would really like you to slow down and take time to do things. My other big concern here was that there were some words, specially 'glancing' which kept on repeating themselves. So you should just read back and edit and replace the with some of their synonyms. Other than these points, other confusing thing was that I was almost confused at time when you used to say 'he said'. I couldn't know who was saying what, mainly because most of the time you were referring them with pronouns, so you should have let their noun names also appear sometimes. It did create a lot of problem for me, but nothing very big-it can be just me.
I don't have much to say, except for the fact, that I was confused for the time-period. What time is it, and what kind of guys we are dealing here with. These are just small questions by me. Other than that, this was really intriguing, and I really want to know what these guys are upto and what had happened twenty years ago which forced them to change their paths.
So good luck,
Shubhi
Thank you very much! This helps. I edit the chapter based on the reviews people give me. You should have seen the first iteration of this chapter. Thank you for the articles!
Hi! Here to review for you.
Okay, so on the "7 Simple Rules For Stronger Prose" how people were telling you things like "more description" and stuff, but weren't telling you what, where, and how to do it. So, I'll try and be specific.
This is description overload. We know what coffee shops look like; give us one or two key details (like the moss green carpet. When I read that, it came across as unique, something that set this apart), and we'll fill in the rest. But all of this is sensory overload.
And also, when describing, use all of the senses. Description isn't just giving things color; what does the place smell, feel, sound, or even taste like (I'd especially use taste for when he tries the purple sludge).
And on that note, is the purple sludge supposed to be coffee? Because I doubt even Zane could mistake that for a brown liquid. Instead of making it something so obviously detestable, make the grossness aspect less bold, something Zane could actually believe could taste good. Go for a nasty smell or whacked out taste. Even if you gave us the fact that Seres thinks it's going to be bad just because Zane made it gives us huge insight on their character and relationship.
This shows me quite a few of your common mistakes.
First, misuse of the comma. The red comma should not be there. I'm going to assume that this is just a typo, but I see misplaced commas fairly frequently. Don't worry, this is a really common problem. I, myself, still overuse the comma horrifically. But I'm working on it. And here's a tutorial that shows a lot of insight on the dastardly comma. Commas.
Another problem with this is the dialogue itself - or, I should say, the way it's presented. Throughout this piece you have a spoken sentence, a dialogue tag, then another sentence. This is fine except that in the same paragraph, right after the dialogue, you show the reaction or action of a different person. Like in the quote above, the barista boy speaks, then you have Seres glaring at him, making it unclear as to who is speaking (or we can deduce who, but it draws us from the story whereas properly done dialogue flows, whooshing us right along). This is an easy fix; just have that action/reaction sentence have its own paragraph. Easy peasey.
Your dialogue punctuation is also a little hazy. Sometimes it's right, sometimes it's not. This is also another thing that a lot of writers struggle with. This article is really helpful, and should help clear up the matter.
Seres' reaction doesn't seem realistic. They're talking about a soul here. And while it's not really unbelievable (he doesn't believe Wolf, so he's not making a scene) but the way it's done - put the action (curled his hands) before the thoughts. It shows his aggravation, and adds depth to the thoughts. And, perhaps you might want to say "Clenched his fists in his pocket" instead of "Curled his hands"; it adds more dynamic. "Flexed his fingers" also shows more emotion. Obviously Seres is mad at Wolf, mad enough to kill him if it weren't for the fact that that would be a favor. Well, we only pick that up from his thoughts and speech. We also want body language. Most people communicate better when using it, and it makes it more realistic.
A timid person could be described as having "Silent tears streamed down their face as they backed up into the wall. Without anywhere to go, they retracted, trying to press themself together, to get smaller. To be a smaller target." This shows that the person is afraid, and that they either can't or won't fight. It's much better than saying "The person frightened them. They knew they couldn't fight, that they had no chance."
Add descriptive body language, and you'll have a lot more emotion in your piece.
I'll try and review your later chapters, though sorry if I don't get to them for a while; NaNo's taken over my life. O.O
loveness, ultraviolet <3
I won't do a full text review, as people had already picked the living daylights out of it, and instead just do a concise little thing.
). Wolf is a bit of a fence case, since right now he gives off the impression of being far too much of a wuss to go and face the MC like he has (if he wasn't a wuss, he wouldn't act scared when the MC looks at him). Just my opinion.
I'm not sure where you're going with the setting. It's interesting to see zombies having coffee and people trading souls, but you didn't put nearly enough information in there to really let me know what it's all about. I know, I know, it will all be revealed later; but it's better to start early. You only mention the zombie once. Perhaps if you go into a little bit more detail with your characters' backstory when you edit this chapter (if you edit this chapter), you could add some more references to the world around them. After all, they're immersed in it, every fantastical feature of the world should be an everyday part of their life.
I liked the characters! You actually did a pretty good job at characterizing. Not sure what I think of the MC yet, I will have to see him more developed in the chapters to come, but Zane and the barista boy are clear as day in my mind. The boy especially - clean-cut, wearing a stylish shirt, having one of them lounge lizard haircuts (very active imagination
Too early to say anything about the plot, but I'll be sure to analyze it as I read the upcoming chapters.
Best of luck!
I like your story! It has alot of foreshadowing and the curiosity makes me want to run, not walk, to the next chapter and read it. It's good with alot of descriptions, even with the typos here and there. Keep up the good work! I'll read the next right away!
Well, this needs some work. You need to go over it and use your commas and full stops properly, and you need to space out your paragraphs and use some words better. Besides that, there isn't much of a problem in the story itself. However, the conversation between Seres and Wolf and Seres and Zane seemed a little wooden to me; a little forced. Maybe you can go over it and see if you can make it feel more natural?
Anyway, you did a decent job. Well done, and KEEP WRITING!
TIGERSPRITE
Hey, Idraax! This is not long. XD So no need to apologize. You should read my and Ignis' works. O_o XD
Okay, here at last as request. Jashy at your service! First, I will point out nitpicks which will be in pinkish font (purple ones means "pay attention!"):
No comma needed.
Hey, hey...spaces between comma and following word. Like the following:
Don't forget the commas, eh? =))
Above were examples of the nitpicks that I could get. Your grammar is fairly good, esp. the verb tenses. =))
The thing you should pay attention is your punctuation:
That should be a comma.
But there were times you did it right:
See? Maybe some proof-reading, eh, Idraax?
That's all that I could say now, Idraax. I'd try to comment on the story some other time. I couldn't get anything in my head quite well. 0_o Sorry... Oh, don't worry. It's not your writing. It's just me. XD
Keep writing!
~ Jash ♥
Well Flower here as requested! I can actually say that I thouroughly enjoyed this. I didn't find it confusing and I loved how you put this piece together. I instantly fell in love with your characters, which rarely happens, and your description was magnificent. I fixed any tiny errors that I saw, but it wasn't really nesessary, you could have found them.
Other than that I am really excited to read more! This is really good.
-Flow-
'Kay so here I am.
So, who is Idra? What does she do? Is she a very important character? If not, you could introduce us to her later on. Not right at the beginning.Maybe it's just me, but I did like the way you started. Going straight to the action is fine and the way you've done is good so far and it's great that you've edited based on suggestions.
My main problem with this is that you rush around the people too much. Take some time to slow down, think and describe the character so that as a reader we get attached to him. You don't want to lose readers because they tend to forget who all you've mentioned initially.
In the first chapter, you should show us the world you're creating and the main people. You should make them stick in people's heads.
This confuses me. You mentioned Zane was a guy, so why's there a 'her' here? Or am I missing someone else here?
Scene 2, and especially this:
is very interesting. But then, it's a chunk of dialogue and you should have a good balance of both dialogue and description.
This got me confused again. At this point, maybe you should show us a little info, inter weave it, so that we have a fair idea of what's going on.
Grammar wise, this was pretty good. I noticed you tend to use a lot of commas especially in places where a full stop or question mark is required. Those are just minor points, though.
All this aside, this has great potential. You should work on description and pacing and you'll have a very solid first chapter.
Good Luck!
~Lava
Hey idraax.
Just a quick note that you can always add the newer parts in your main post using the edit button. It makes it easier for first time readers.
That said, I shall review this in a while.
Hello there!
Here to review.
So, I think you should've made the storyline a bit slower and try to 'really' connect it with your characters. I mean, I get confused with the plot itself. First of all is that you don't take the chance very well to introduce them to your readers. The dialogs aren't enough for us to understand a hundred percent of your narration. I don't want to sound rude but you should definitely take some time to reread this again and slow down the pace. Also, you haven't really said a slight background about Wolf and Seres. Although this story is based on second point of view, but still, I don't think that's an excuse for you not to describe more of your character's personality, history and more.
Second of all, you rely on adjectives and adverbs a lot. Try to 'show' more and don't do 'telling' a lot.
In my opinion, you can delete some adjectives there. Or just be sure that it's relative on the things your character is describing. Don't only limit the narration on the visual depictions but also with the smell, sounds, and even the cold temperature since the chapter starts in a very early morning, right?
Others:
Space.
Space again.
A comma after 'I'.
A period after "it".
All in all:
I think just edit this up a bit and this would have a potential to be really better. Just give us some sort of a background so that we wouldn't be confused that's all. I think you've got much up to your sleeve, Idraax. Also, I apologize if ever I was harsh, rude or something. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out,
Yuri
Content moved to first post. Please read that one for the entire chapter. Thanks!
Ok, thanks. I guess I'll add the rest of the scene in now, instead of later. Thanks for the tip. I just didn't want it to seem to intimidating.
More nitpicks:
Overall, this is way better than before. The speech is a lot smoother with the description in between, but you don't describe too much.
P.M. me if you have any more questions,
A. S.
P.S. It is fine to post a map XD
P.P.S. if you go to the top right corner of your post you can see edit post. That way you don't have to make a new post every time you add another part. Because posts with zero or only one comments go on the recent works page. I don't know about other people, but I try to review stuff there first so no one goes without a review.
P.P.P.S. I feel as if this could be longer. It kind of just drops off. Or at least that is what if feels like to me...
Ok, I made some more changes. This scene also comes up again in the next chapter, just to let you know. Also, if I'm not allowed to do this, let me know please. This is the map for my story.
Much more description!
Yeah, I made up the name. I've made up a lot of the names in the story, although I did use some words from Google Translator, such as Tiz Varos for example. Do the edits help?
Don't worry, it isn't long at all.
Just some nitpicks:
O.K, I agree with wickedwonder:
You do need to slow down to describe. Where? First, I think you could use an introductory paragraph. Yes, lots of authors like to get to the action quickly, but not this quickly. I know that if I picked this book up of the library shelf and flipped to the first page I would probably put it back if it started with speech. Just talk. Describe the setting. What does the coffee shop look like? What does is smell like, feel like, taste like? Give us something we can relate to with are Senses. Give us an image in our minds.
After you have done that break up that speech a little bit. When a new character comes in describe them. You can describe them through thoughts of other characters like you have already done some of, speech of other characters, or just description. Between speech add little details, you have already done some, but I want to know more. Did one of your characters rub his fingers together because they were sweaty? All these little details will help us relate to the characters and know what they are feeling like. If they feel a chill and you have already know that the coffee shop is warm you will realize that they have been creeped out.
I am slightly confused as well of what is happening. Well, the soul part. I certainly want to read more, and I really can't expect to know what is going on because you have started with action and you didn't give us very much to read. As long as you somewhat explain things soon you are good. Right now I do have a lot of questions though. Having something to relate to will also help me have less questions.
Hope I helped,
A. S.
P.S. I have never heard of the name Seres before. Did you make it up?
P.P.S. If you have any questions or want me to go into more detail on something just P.M. me. Oh and could you P.M. me when the next part is up?
Content moved to first post. See that one for the whole chapter. Thanks!
Thank you very much! That really helps. But looking back at the chapter, where should I add in the description? Should I add it in at the beginning or should I weave it in to the scene? Can you elaborate on that, please. Thanks.
Yes, I am confused.
You need to slow down and describe. Add emotion. Make it clear whats going on.
YOu want to clearly show the reader an image that they can understand. You do this by describing the settings, describing the people, and adding emotions of the characters
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder