White. White everywhere. i pushed myself farther, made pain ripped at my sides, as the cold stabbing breeze lifted the hair off my bleeding chapped lips. I stepped farther not knowing where i was going. Another sharp breeze burned my face as tears refused to fall from my aching eyes. Been so long since i laid my head to rest. My feet slowly going numb leaving me to face the cold alone. I was at war. A war with the icy breeze,and with myself. Trusting no one.
I tried so hard to impress them. To get them to love me. To gain their friendship. No one knows me. No one will find me. No one is looking.
I don't want them to.
I pushed myself farther. My heart beating fast, my body numb, my breathing slowing. My lungs couldn't take the cold breeze anymore. I collapsed in the snow. My hair spreading across my face. Maybe the cold was a friend. Maybe pain knows me best since i know it most.
I welcomed the pain, giving into the cold since after all it had won. I stared at the sky that wasn't as bright as i thought it was. I took my last breath, more like a sigh and faded into nothing. The last thing i heard was the sound of a lone wolf howling. Alone just like me. Then blackness, Darkness, death. Death came and truly after that i was gone, laying in the snow where no one would find me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Alright, this will be the one thing I review tonight since I read it earlier and thought it was good. I'm not going to dwell on grammar because I read the description. You probably will not edit this, so why bother being nitpicky? You wrote this in an attempt to capture some of your emotion and get stress out. I can relate to that completely.
There is so much raw emotion in this piece, albeit it is extremely short. You have good word choice.
This really moved me:
I am guessing that you were expressing many of your own thoughts as you wrote this piece. I am sorry you felt this way and I can definitely relate to your struggle.
As for the other reviewer that told you that you should expand and explain, well, I think that your simplicity is what makes this piece so great. Leave it as it is. It adds more emphasis to the words already there. I understand perfectly.
In my honest opinion I really like this little story!
Hi there. Rebel here to review.
I think what you have here is decent so far. I think that it's emotional, especially the second paragraph. I think it could be much better if you expanded upon some of the topics mentioned (e.g. Who was the character trying to impress? Where was she?). Elaborate on various subjects such as that. Use a little stronger vocabulary.
You also had grammatical errors. You didn't capitalize many of the 'i's in your sentence. Be sure to fix those! Also, you had a few run-one. A few examples:
"Been so long since i laid my head to rest." You could change it to "It had been so long since I laid my head to rest."
"My feet slowly going numb leaving me to face the cold alone." could be "My feet were slowly going numb, leaving me to face the cold alone."
Overall, I think what you have could be the start of something great. Fix those grammatical errors, expand on some subjects, and use a stronger vocabularly.
Keep writing!