Young Writers Society

Here as requested! Sorry it took me sooo long. I have been busy working lol but here we go.

I'll just do headings here on basics and the nitpicks are in the attachment below!

Setting
What kind of place are they in? Be specific! and if it is a nasty place tell us how. Is it bright? Dank? Stale? Floorboards or cobblestones or concrete? huge metal bars or a wooden door? If it's some underground chamber then make it according to the time period.
Setting could be improved so much if you only describe the room more. Let us know what is around them and what the room looks like, but don't ramble! Keep it short and sweet. A handy tip is to write out a long drawling paragraph and then jot down from that paragraph the main points like metal bars, small window, cobblestone floor, almost pitch black etc. Then rewrite using only the most important things that can make us imagine but not bore us. Or jot down 5 very important things (eg flat metal bed, iron bars, pitch black, no windows, cobblestones) and make a small paragraph out of that.

Dialogue
As stated above, this really does need some reworking. It all will come in time. I learned it in high school but after reading a wide range of books i kind of picked it up more or less myself. Every reader has different desires when it comes to the grammar around the dialogue, but the must's still remain the same. Eg:

“Ivy” he whispered

“Well?” I said, my voice razor-sharp. “Put him in the cell. Go on, I won’t harm you. Yet.”

Okay, I guess I'll do an entire review (I write in bold):

His feet draggedchange this word. Maybe change it to: "His feet scraped against the freezing concrete floor" over the freezing concrete floor. The two guards, who were supporting him by his armscomma halted,NO comma seeing me.Change this bit. Maybe to: when they saw me.

The man supporting hisI'd change this. Maybe put, "the boy's" or "the prisoner's" left arm cleared his throat, and said, in a dull voice, as though he werewas bored of carrying himI'm getting mixed up. Change this one to, "the boy" or "the prisoner" or something along those lines. aroundcomma “Where is Ms. Holly?”

They dragged him in, and when I followed they blocked my path.Change this. My suggestion is: They dragged him in, but when I tried to follow they blocked my path
“Sorry.” He stated confidentlycomma “No one allowed in.”
“I have permission from the warden, Ms. Holly herselfI don't think that is really required, but if you wish, I would take out "herself". You don't need that. I am one of Zeke’s elite killers. Let me in, unless you want me to call them both here, and I’m sure Zeke would love to hear that. You don't need this. Take out, "to hear" so that it is just, "would love that" Why, he might even let the prisoner-“
The guard’s confidence stared to drain from his eyes,Comma to a period, and change this next bit so it works. until he moved away from the door, and walked down the hall.
I walkedyou are using this word to often. How are they walking? Meandering, sauntering, trudging? in, anYou don't need this word: an energy flowing into my bones, and looked down at the boy slumped in the corner. I closed the door harshly, then walked over to him.
Zane.
His all-natural snowy hair fell limply over his eyes, hiding them from view. His complexion was pale, from years spent in this prison.
I walkedOver-using that word over to him, the energy I felt increasing with every step Change this: the energy that I felt was increasing with every step. I reached him, bent down and cupped his chin in my hands. His skin was freezing.
“Ivy.” He whispered, his breath icy, like all-get rid of the "like all-", it ruins this sentence. then he stirred. He lifted his head up, and looked at me with hisdon't need that word daunting eyes.
His eyes.you don't need that Unlike Zeke, the color in his eyes was snow-white, except for the iris, which stayed the humanly black.The iris is the colored part. Do you mean the pupil? He lifted his hand, and brushed a stray hair off of my face, though it obviously pained him to move.
“Zane…” I whispered, as though speaking would destroy him, this fragile shell of a person. A person I used to know, a person who Zeke destroyed, inside and out.
And suddenly, a burning passed through my bones, and soaked into the marrow.
I stood. Zane followed me with his eyes, for it was all his broken spritspirit could do.
“Ivy” he whispered, his voice cracking like a whip, torturing me, for it pulled me in,change that bit to something along the lines of: pulling me in, made me want to go back to him change this: making me want to go back to him. I did.
“There is something I have to give you.” He whispered, sounding like tenstons of dried out twigs snapping, cracking, breaking in two.
“No.” I said, and bent over to him. “whatever it is, keep it with you.”
He shook his head, and reached into the pocket of his jeans, completely ripped and tattered andget rid of that. Change it: then he pulled out a necklace pulled out a necklace. He cupped it in his hands, as one would do with a child,period, not comma then,no comma. Then he took my... took my hand and pressed itWhat are you talking about here? the necklace? Use "the necklace" here so that readers don't get confused later on into it. I opened my fist, and looked at the necklace.
It was simple, no charms except one use " with only one charm" instead. And it was positively the most beautiful creation I have ever seen in my life. ItIt? Do you mean the charm? hung on a black silken cord with a sliver clasp. The cord was short, the charm round. The charm hungover-using that word. onto the cord with a simple sliversilver circlet.
It wasn’t any of these details that made it so beautiful. The charm did that. No color could describe the red; it was as though someone had mixed lava with blood. The surface was smooth, but when you looked at it, it really did seem to have the texture of a volcano. The aura;comma, not semi-colon the radiance that poredpoured from that necklace was unimaginable, unthinkable, and never, neveromit the comma and the second "never" had I felt something so powerful, so compelling, so important. It made everything else seem ugly and unimportant, including myself. I had to possewhat is that word doing there!? Change the word. That makes No sense. Better yet, I would get rid of the entire sentence. It's pretty pointless. it.
“Put it on.”
I did, the clasp locking easily. The charm rested on my collar bone. Suddenly, the clasp burned, then stopped. I raised my hand to find it, but then Zane spoke.
“It is a weapon, called Polaris. It responds to only its master. You. You only have to think, and it will turn into a two pointed dagger. Polaris- it is feared by many of Zeke`s kind.”
“Thank you, Zane. I don’t know what to say.” I felt something in my chest, like liquid gold. It was something I haven’t felt in awhile: Pride.
“Ivy. There’s one more thing. This necklace shows you’ve been claimed by one of my kind, there is no going back on now. You are mine, always and forever.”
I nodded. “Zeke will-“
He flinched, for movement still pained himreword that sentence or get rid of it.. Yet, he brought his hand up and put it on my cheek,Yet he managed to bring his hand to my cheek, where it rested and just looked into my eyes.
“Heal me.” He whispered, his breath once again falling on my face, evenly now.
I stood up, and concentrated on him. Blue sparks flew from my finger-tips, to him, restoring his spirit and healing the scars Zeke had to ofMakes no sense. Change it to: scars that Zeke had burned into him burned into him.

He lookedglanced up, hisDon't need the "his" hair thriving again,period, not comma his eyes had back their spark of mischief, his lips full again. fix that. Suggestion: His eyes gained their usual mischievous spark back and his lips became full.

“Thank you, my vampire princess.” He said, his voice strong and confident again, with a hint of sarcasm in it.why was he sarcastic?
“Good-byecomma Knox.” I said, calling him by his true name.
you don't need a space hear. back it up.For, even though he hid it, I knew and tonight confirmed it.I don't understand that sentence. Either explain it more or lose it. It confuses the reader more than anything.
Zane is a creature of the night.
He is a vampire.Why did you call him Knox if he is a vampire? Why did you make this sounds like a surprise? The narrator is a vampire herself. I don't understand it.