Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Anna turned up the volume in on her headphones, attempting to block out her father’s ramblings about how with his new job would be “So much better”. She let out a sigh.

“Jason; shut up, no one cares!”

Anna turned and there, in the doorway stood her Uncle Paton. Her savior to this eternal punishment.

“Thanks Uncle Paton” she yelled as spirited away, trying to get out of the house before her father could start again on his new job.

Alrighty well this in an interesting start already. It seems we're diving into sort of the middle of a conversation here in this particular scene and I love that right away we already get to see the sort of inklings of personality from three of these people here. I think it all comes together very nicely to make for a solid start here.

Her Uncle, with his electric green eyes stared a hole in to his brother.

“What?” Jason Smith asked, fully aware that Paton always had a gun on him.

“Jason,” Her started, “Have you heard of a woman named Emma Jones?”

For one moment Jason Smith’s chocolate eyes grew wide with fear.

Paton grinned. He then extended his arm into a pocket, pulling out a shiny sliver pistol.

Okayy I have a feeling my initial sort of assumption that this was just a cute sort of family moment here that will continue to say that way is going to be wrong, unless of course there is another twist with this particular pistol that was just pulled out right after what seemed like an oddly specific question. Well at any rate, I wasn't interested already, consider me very much hooked now.

“I see you do. Such a shame, she was beautiful. Too bad she had to go sticking her nose in places it didn’t belong. I heard she had a son as well. Poor woman.”

He picked a tranquilizing dart and loaded it into the gun. Paton hesitated for a moment.

“Where are you taking me?”

“Brother, I’m sorry.”

Paton closed his eyes. There was a loud bang, a short aftershock, then nothing.

Well the tranquilizer dart makes you think of one thing but the closing of the eyes and that banging sound just do not lend itself well to any sort of good ending there. Well it definitely makes for quite the cliffhanger to finish on there. You've done a very good job here of building up to that one and I have to say on the whole this is a very well constructed piece here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Icefire63111 wrote:Please hold nothing back!!! I can`t get better unless I know what I`m doing wrong!!

Okay; I'm not being harsh or anything. But you'd be taken a whole lot more seriously if your title was spelt correctly. It's 'conspiracy', not 'conscpricy'.
I'm only being cruel to be kind.

Anna turned up the volume in on her headphones, attempting to block out her father’s ramblings about how with his new job would be “So much better”. She let out a sigh.

Okay. A few things.

The first sentence really doesn't make sense. Change it to, "Anna turned up the volume on her headphones, attempting to block out her father's ramblings about how his new job would be, "So much better." She let out a sigh.

Secondly, this isn't grabbing my attention enough. It's a bit of a hackneyed idea - misunderstood teenager, dad getting a new job opportunity. You could make it work; but you need to make it jump out at the reader.

After all, think about how you choose which book you’re going to take off the shelf. What makes one story leap out at you more than another? Are you like most of us; do you look at the blurb on the back cover then flick to the first page of the story to see if it seems interesting enough to take home?

When it comes to grabbing the attention of a reader, the first paragraph, or in fact the first sentence is where the decision is usually hinged. After all, if an author is droning on about something that seems to hold no spark of interest or intrigue to you, are you going to read on or are you going to put the book back and pick up the next book on the shelf?

It all sounds very logical to say that the first sentence has to grip the reader, but it’s also where many manuscripts fail, and catch neither the reader’s attention – nor the editor’s. After all, a publisher is like any other reader; the story has to hold their attention if they are going to want to spend more of their time on it.

Here are my ways of grabbing the reader's attention.

First, to slowly draw the reader into the world of fantasy, in the same way that many painters draw attention to their masterpieces. Bring the reader’s attention to the picture as a whole, then focus on one specific area. For example, start with a simple description of the party, follow it up with a line or two about a group of people standing near the bay window, then zoom in with a strong description of the eyes or hand movements of the person focal to the scene.

A second option is to

start the scene with a hundred and ten percent of action. Bash the reader over the head and drag them into the story by the scruff of the neck. Consider starting with an exclamation, in the middle of a heated argument, or at an early climax of the story.

Obviously it depends on your story and your style of writing as to which method you use, but both of these options can work when used correctly.

“Jason; shut up, no one cares!”(I’m not sure that was grammatically correct)

No need for a semi colon after Jason because semi-colons are used to demonstrate a pause in chain of thoughts. Rephrase as, "Jason, shut up. No-one cares!"

Anna turned and there, in the doorway stood her Uncle Paton. Her savior to this eternal punishment.

Nix the comma after there. You don't need the second sentence, 'her savior' etc...because the next sentence after that is self-explanatory.

Her Uncle, with his electric green stared a hole in to his brother.

You're missing a word.

Paton grinned. He then extended his arm into a pocket, pulling out a shiny sliver pistol.

Mispelling of silver.

***

Huh?

Frankly, that is the main expression I got from this first chapter. You've completely thrown us in the deep end. We've had no time to empathise with the readers or even understand what's happening. To be honest, since I can't identify with the characters, I don't really feel like reading the rest.

I know I sound extremely harsh and horrible; and I'm sorry if any of this has offended you. I'm only being brash so that you understand what you need to alter and improve on. You are by no means a bad writer, and you have some basic good ideas. You just need to elaborate on them, embellish the skeleton of a story you have now with flesh.

Very good luck to you (:

Sarah
xxx