***Please, you don't have to review all three chapters. One or two is fine....
But all three would be great!!!
**Chapter 1***
I’m sorry, Nami. I didn’t mean to run into you.” Raya quickly apologized, her pale skin flushed, her long black hair frizzy from running in the rain.
Nami looked up. Being an elder, she was given certain respect. However, she was a kind woman, one who treated everyone as kin.
“Its ok, my child. Just tell me; where are you going, and why are you wearing such strange clothing?”
Raya looked down at herself. She wore a men’s tunic and tan leather pants. Her black hair was not up in the proper bun. Instead, it fell towards her waist.
“I’m meeting Raven. Apparently, Cloud has important news to tell us.”
Nami looked at the girl, surprised by her response. Even the elders had heard of the trader Cloud, who traveled all of Kacia, looking for magic and mysterious artifacts. “Go then, and make haste. When Cloud requires an audience it must be of great significance.”
Raya nodded, picked up her satchel, and continued on her way. The road in her small village was damp; it from the steady rainfall. She continued walking the main road, passing small houses, and a cramped marketplace. A woman sat beneath a booth, her red hair pushed back with a scarf. Her clothes were that of a peasants, but, as most inhabitants always do, she stood tall, straight. Most of the people in this town were former Nobles, or Royals who ran away to be with lovers or were an embarrassment to families. Since the town was surrounded on all sides by a thick, dense forest, it was hard for the queen, Desmodora, to enforce the laws. So children and teens who safely made the journey were given sanctuary, and asked no questions. Small plots of land were provided for them. Most, like Raya, ended up staying with a local family and then becoming part of that family. This village was crowed, even the smallest huts housed over ten people. She smiled at the merchants lining the roads. Raya stopped at one particularly interesting stall.
The table was covered with a purple fabric. One top of it, lay incarnate scepters and flutes. One scepter was pure gold, and engraved on to it were two dragons, intertwined, trying to reach the sphere ruby on the top of it. Another, was made purely of ice. It didn’t melt, for it had been enchanted. Pushed into it were small gems, mostly sapphires and amyhest. It was topped with a large emerald. Carved into the ice, were small letters, in some language long forgotten.
A man leaned against the wall, his eyes open, staring, watching her every move.. He reached his tan, burly hand into a pocket of his dark coat and pulled out a pipe. He put it in his mouth, and lit it with a small candle, which was sitting on his merchandise, wax dripping and ruing the book it was positioned on top of. The man glanced over at her, and breathed out smoke. It clouded around of Raya’s head, stinging her eyes. She brethed the toxic fume in. It smelt vaguely of burnt fish. Covering her eyes, She took out a small coin purse, artfully concealed in her shirt. From the table, she took a beautiful carved flute, made of ivory of some long dead creature.
“how much?” she asked, looking at the man.
“For that?” he responded. His voice was raspy, it sounded like talons being dragged across a coal stone.
She nodded, her face solemn, all its former joy had been masked.
“50 silver pieces, and a bargain at that.”
“I doubt its worth more than 10 silver pieces.”
The man leaned forward, and Raya saw his face. He had a small beard, black. His left eye was blind, and a huge gash cut across it. He was monstrous to look at.
“twenty and its yours.”
She agreed, and pulled out the money.
As sonn as she walked away from the booth, a boy ran up to her.
Her had long hair, blacker than black. His eyes were emeralds, and he was slightly tan. His expression was soft, and when he spotted Raya his eyes lightened up.
He fixed the scarlet bandana, which was holding back most of his hair, and quickly hugged her.
“Raven.” Raya spoke the name happily. Raven had been her best friend since she moved to the village; he worked as a blacksmith’s apprentice and also as one of Aurora’s helpers.
“Raya, we have to hurry.”
And then he turned away, sifting his way through the crowed streets.
Raya sighed. Raven had never been one for explanations. He followed him through the bust marketplace, to a lonely road, leading out the village, towards the forest.
Raven wouldn’t answer any questions, or even talk, to Raya. Suddenly, he began to run. Raya chased after him, almost about to catch him, when suddenly, her foot caught a loose root and she tumbled to the ground.
Raven looked back, and helped her help.
“c’mon Raya, this isn’t the time for games.” She could sense the urgency in his voice, and couldn’t help but to ask, “What’s going on? All I know is that we have to meet Cloud. Why won’t you talk to me?” she screamed at him, frustrated.
However, Raven had already turned his back, and was briskly navigating his way through the trees.
“Auroa told me Cloud was meeting us near the outskirts of Kara. That’s a good day’s walk from here.” He glanced at her. “That is, if you can keep up.”
“I can so keep up.” she said.
“I doubt that.” he replied.
All fear and tension was gone from the importance of Cloud’s news. They were just two friends again, laughing and teasing as they always did.
After a bit, Raven asked, “And what, may I ask, is the daughter of Noble doing in that attire?”
Raya bit her lip. “You know I don’t belong in that world. I would much rather be working the farms and blacksmith’s as you do then attend those balls in the stuffy gowns. It’s quite frightening, actually.”
“Oh?” and why is that?” Raven inquired. He never knew Raya hated her life as a Noble so much.
“I never know if some rich, foreign man will take me to be his bride in a far away land.”
Raven smirked. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell them all about your usual habits and have them packing for home!”
Raya smacked his arm and laughed.
“It isn’t funny. Snow says I must accept my fate if I am. I want to stay in Carion forever. Or, see the world. I could never live with a man I didn’t live, being just a trophy.”
It went quiet for a while. The last rays of lazy afternoon sunshine were giving way to twilight, and when it seemed time to set up camp, the crossroads had been spotted. Raya took off running towards the croaked fence.
At best, the crossroads at Kara were a place where most people could meet inconspicuously. At its worst, however, the crossroads were a place of treachery and murder.
Cloud’s caravan was spotted quickly. His Krawn, Strikent, pulled it. Krawn were like horses. However, most Krawn were dark red or purple. Some had wings. Most could breathe an intoxicating poison that actually induced the person into a coma, so Krawn could devour them without a struggle. They were symbols of despair and most would cower before them.
“Cloud! Cloud!” Raya shouted over joked to see her favorite traveler.
He smiled at her, and yelled back at them.
After a few minutes of hugging from Raya, Raven finally spoke up.
“Perhaps business?” he inquired, hasty to get away from the rouge.
“Ah, yes.” Cloud said, sitting down.
Raya whispered quietly to a few sticks lying around, and soon a small fire was going.
Cloud got up. “Perhaps it would be best if I just showed you.”
Raya and Raven exchanged nervous looks as Cloud rummaged through his caravan.
“Here we are.” in his hands he held two leather sacks.
“I…don’t understand,” said Raya, looking at the sacks both curiously and terrified by whatever manifestation Cloud had in them.
He sighed, and placed them on the ground.
“Look.”
Inside both sacks were two round, oval objects.
Raya pulled one out, both surprised by its lightness and color. The object that was in the satchel a shimmering white, in some places, it was blue. She was transfixed by it, stunned by its beauty. It wasn’t until Cloud clapped his hands that she looked up. Raven was holding an object with the same dimensions as hers, however, his seemed to a bit larger and was a stormy grey and in some places, black in others.
“What, what are they?” He asked, curious about the strange thing he held in his hands.
Cloud grinned, a devious grin. “The most illegal of illegal’s.”
Raya slowly put her egg back in the sack.
“Dragon eggs.” she whispered.
“Yes.” Cloud nodded, he jumped on his caravan, and Strikent took off, spiriting into the night.
Raya looked after the disappearing caravan until it was cloaked from sight by darkness
***Chapter 2***
“What should we do?” asked Isadora, Aurora’s daughter.
Auroa looked at them.
The two eggs lay on a circular, wooden table. Around the room, delicately balanced on shelves, chairs and the ground were thousands of jars, a hundred books. A small pile of hay was in the corner. This was Aurora’s hut, where she studied magic and healing.
She was an older woman, but a fierce passion hidden away in her soul. Her long, grey hair was pulled into a bun, and she wore a simple white sundress.
“He gave these to you? And just drove off?”
Raya nodded, wondering what could have spooked Cloud. After all, he was a necromancer, and spent his days with the remains of people from the past.
She looked over at Isadora. The young girl, about eleven, seemed to be paying less attention to the meeting then Raya herself was. She kept glancing around, and every time she did, his long, straight brown hair moved with her. Isadora was deeply tanned, and the tan seemed to make her eyes more noticeable.
Her eyes. Isadora could use magic, like Raya, like Raven. However, when the magic infested her, it turned her eyes a bright purple color, like none other Raya had ever seen.
Auroa light a candle, and from the wax tip, a slender, green smoke floated up. It was made of the Carion plant, found only in the forests surrounding Carion, known for its mind-cleansing properties.
Auroa inhaled the fumes and sighed, releasing a green breath.
“We will keep them. We may be prosecuted, hunted, tortured and may even be killed. However, we all took an oath when we allowed magic to flow into our bodies. Do you remember that Oath?”
Raya and Raven nodded, and Isadora spoke. “To protect magic’s creations, even if it means losing yourself in agony.”
“Raya,” Auroa addressed her. “Do you have any idea where Cloud may have gone? You do know him better than the rest of us.”
Raya looked up. It was true, that Cloud had saved her life when she was young, and had risked his own to get her to Carion, to safety. She understood everything about him, to the minutest detail. She should tell you why he let his blonde hair grow so long, why his tan was so deep.
“He’s probably hiding out in Gana. He always liked it there, and the tracks from his caravan were closest to the road to Gana.”
“Isadora, take that animal of yours,” They all glanced down at the wolf laying near Isadora’s feet, “and search Gana for Cloud.”
She nodded, realizing the importance of the situation.
“Jike” she said, and Jike, was instantly alert, snarling, ready to do his master’s bidding.
“Raya, Raven, we’re assuming you were the first to touch the eggs with bare hands. If my memory is correct, the eggs will hatch within two days, born to you two. You must spend the next two days making preparations. Congratulations, you’re going to be the most wanted people in all of Kacia within the week.”
“Where are we going to go?” Raya asked, petrified of what was going to happen to her.
“You and Raven will go and hide in the Mountains, so deep in no one will find you. No one will ever see you. And the horrors you become will never hurt anyone.”
Raya shuddered at the horrific changes that were going to happen to her. According to legend, after a human touched an unborn dragon, still in its egg, the person took on qualities of a dragon themselves.
They lost all emotion, all intelligence, and worst of all, there physical appearance began to alter almost immediately. These changes were extreme, like lose of all body hair, the skin turning to scales, and, eventually growing a tail. In the stories, these dragon people were as terrible as the dragons themselves, reigning terror on people, stealing livestock, and changing the weather.
“Go home, now. Say goodbye to your loved ones, pack up your belongings and be ready to leave two dawns from now.”
Raya sat in the oak chair, silently crying. Raven stood up, and walked over to her. As miserable as he was, he knew Raya was in far more pain then he was.
He offered her a hand.
“C’mon, Raya. We can do this. We‘ve looked death in the eye and laughed. We‘ve fought our way through a thousand soldiers. This is nothing compared to this. That is,” he pulled her up. “Unless you’re frightened of a few claws and getting ugly.”
“You wish I was scared,” she said, wiping the last of her tears on the sleeve of his shirt.
The pair thanked Auroa and began the walk back to the village.
After traveling for a few minutes, they arrived next to the creek where they would have to cross. A few small fish swam lazily in the water, when Raya spoke up. “I just don’t get it.,” she said, her voice barely audible over the bubbling creek.
“Get what?” Raven asked, stepping into the frigid water. He put his hand out; afraid she would lose her balance in stepping into the creek.
“Why,” Raya whispered, stepping down into the water. “We have to give up our lives for dragons when we could just get rid of the eggs.”
She took a step forward, and stumbled, but Raven caught her before she could fall into the water.
“Careful” he said. “You okay?”
“Fine.”
“To answer your question, we just don’t get rid of the eggs because we took an oath.”
Raya rolled her eyes, yawning. “It was just an oath Auroa made us take to frighten us.”
Raven grabbed her arm as she tried to climb out of the creek.
“Raya, I swear, do not break that oath. Remember when I broke it?” he said, gesturing at his arm, where a large scar had its residence.
Raya stared. It had been a horrible day. Isadora almost lost her life, half the village burned down. Everyone had taken an unspoken promise never to bring it up again.
She broke his grasp, and turned to keep walking. Raven did not try to stop her, but just silently trekked behind her through the underbrush. The orange glow of the blacksmith’s shop was calling at him in the darkness, and Raven turned away, towards the homey smell of coal and heat radiating from the furnace.
Raya kept her pace unwavering, almost running towards the black picket fence and endless lush green grass. Perched on top of the hill was her home.
It was majestic, proud and broad. It was a white wood home, and to most, it looked quite welcoming. However, it to Raya, it looked as welcoming as sticking her head in a Krawn’s mouth.
She easily scaled the fence in one fluid motion and walked the grounds to the Manor. Before opening the heavy Teak door, she took a deep breath, and then pulled on the handle.
**Chapter 3**
Opening the door, she stepped into a completely new world. A dignified granite staircase swept down from the right of the room. The floors were stone, a graceful white with small black specks. An older woman was sitting in an overstuffed armchair, looking directly at the door. Her elbow, propped up on the armrest, it was supporting her head. The woman’s eyes had been closed for hours, and her breath came in in long, calm strokes. Snow, Raya’s grandmother, had again fallen asleep waiting for Raya to come home. Raya, however, did not let her breath go until she was safely up the stairs, down the hall and into the first room on the left.
Raya’s room had lilac walls and a dark wood floor. A small mattress, stuffed with hay lay in a corner of the room. A red blanket lazily swept over it. Pushed against the wall next to it was a stark white dresser with golden handles on the drawers. In fact, all the furniture in the room was white with golden handles. On the wall next to the dresser was a large mirror with a grey frame. The right side of the room concealed behind a dressing curtain. Raya walked towards a white chest and opened the lid. Inside the chest were two objects, both wrapped in velvet. The first item, stouter and heavier than the other was carefully unwrapped. These had been birthday presents to her, from Anoka, her know deceased best friend.
“Use them only in a dire situation.” Anoka said critically. “Don’t take them out of the wrappings until you know the situation is desperate. I hope you never have to take them out.”
Raya smiled at the memory of her friend. Anoka also had a Noble heritage. However, she was more intent on fighting it than Raya ever could be. She ran away to the crossroads at Kara to meet a man who was to take her away. The man turned out to be corrupt and killed her on the spot.
For the second time that night, Raya found herself crying. After a few minutes of quietly mourning, she began to unravel the velvet from the item in her hands.
After a few feet of velvet, she pulled out a two daggers. The blades were made of bone, and the hilts were made of silver. She smiled. It was just like Anoka to give her knives as a present.
She set them down and went on to the next satchel. . Wrapped under velvet, was a long glass tube full of a strange looking, glowing, turquoise fluid. She reached out and touched the alien material; and pulled back, screaming. The moment her flesh made contact, the tube and its contents melted and snaked up her arm. It burned like sticking your arm into a furnace. The pain slowly grew, her arm was still dully glowing the same shade of turquoise that had been in the tube. Raya passed out because the pain became over bearing.
When she woke up, the pain had subsided and her arm was no longer glowing. She stretched, yawned and glanced in the mirror. And screamed. Snow, her grandmother, burst into the room holding a small butter knife.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” she asked, concern and anxiety showing in her hard worn features. Raya looked at her, and she dropped the knife.
It was her eyes. Instead of the dark brown they had always been, they were now a deep turquoise color.
“What happened? Raya?” her voice trembled.
Raya froze at the mention of her name. She had been in another world, listening to the thoughts of another creature. Its name had been Timber, and he was a small, terrified boy. His parents detested him and wished he were never born. The boy had very pale skin that was adorn with expensive-looking clothing. As she had watched, mortified, the small boy had climbed onto the side of a building, and jumped off. All Raya had felt while in this dream-like state was pain and self-loathing.
"Raya?" he grandmother asked again, gentler this time.
"I'm fine, Snow." Raya said, determined that she was, in fact, fine. Although she managed to convince herself of this, she knew, in the pit of her stomach, in the back of her head that nothing in the world was fine and she doubted she would ever be fine ever again.
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I'm not normally a fan of fantasy, but this is definitely a very interesting story, with lots of potential. The plot is developing smoothly, so where ever you're taking it, keep going.
A few notes: Maybe take the time to develop your characters more. We really don't have a sense of their personalities or of any of their pasts, other than the fact that Raya is from a noble family as escaped to the town she was staying in before the dragon eggs arrived. Neither do we know much about her likes and dislikes, what really drives her or what her passion is, or any of the same about Raven. You don't have to list it or anything for us, just try to incorporate it into your story so we get a sense of your people. Make them come to life.
Other than that, I honestly don't have much to say. It's definitely a good story, so feel free to PM me whenever you get anymore chapters up. Good luck!
By the way, if you're bored, feel free to read Fire on Water, the story I'm working on.