Deleted

Bonjour! It's the chirave canicthus here to review your work!

Starting with the title. Call of the Zodiac. It kinda sounds weird to me, as there are a bunch of titles with a call in them. “Call of the Wild,” for example. Try playing with the title more, using words that don’t really mean what they look like, if that makes any sense. George RR Martin also said that he titles his books based on the smallest little things. (Game of Thrones was barely said at all in the book of the same name.) It’d be cool to see what you can do, as this is a very cool idea already.

I’ve noticed a few misused words, like “he was seat,” but that is pretty much all I saw. Sometimes, spellcheck is alright, but it’s always good to do a quick readthrough so it’s the best it could be.

I like this piece. It’s really action-y and makes me feel that some serious crud is going on, just from the first paragraph. Your imagery is nice, but it doesn’t fit the setting. It might fit your style, but for action, I think a character’s mind wouldn’t care to think about unimportant details, but would rather only focus on anything that relates to what needs done, if that makes sense.

I really like your characterization, and you clearly put distinct personalities throughout each of your characters. And it’s nice the Hyun Woon cried. Then became BadA. It shows that the characters have humanity and aren’t just there to kick butt, though they most certainly can.


I liked this piece a lot. It was very cool and action-y. The victory at the end immediately being cut off by police sirens is realistic, but maybe the police could go just a bit earlier so that they pulled up and the kids could run away before they were seen. But overall, I actually really love this piece. If you’re publishing from the first chapter on, please tell me. I’d like to read it.

Keep Writing!
*The Chiravian flies away*

Wow, this was long. Still, I took it upon myself to read the whole thing. So let's get reviewing.

In the beginning, all of the characters were introduced really fast. On second there was no one, the next second there was Gabe and Aspen and Lane and Dean and all these other ones that I can't keep track of. I dn't know how you would most want to fix this, but I might focus more on Aspen and Gabe for a while rather the swiveling to Garret afterwards.

Next, we have Gabe's plan and the fight scene to tackle. From my prospective, it seems as if these kids have been hunted for most of their lives. I don't get the bit about, "only one of them can come out alive," and it seems a bit out of place here. Anyway, it kind of seems a little far-fetched that Aspen doesn't know how to fight at all. I would think she would haave some kind of skill. And instead of making everyone tell her to learn, maybe someone should tell her how to do a basic punch and just pummel them with it.

The "Strength in numbers" line is kind of cheesy, and since the whle idea behind the story has been used before I would suggest changing it. Don't get me wrong, I would certainly read this if it was a book, but right now I have to help you make it better. Also, using the "strength in numbers" line brings in another name: the name of the person who taught it to them. It's hard to keep track of all these names (Although I love your choice of them, good job).

Last thing to look at is the cater. Your description of it is very good, so that's not a problem. But then, they decide to go back to the tribe reservation. Was that there the entire time? Why didn't they go back there before the fight. It just doesn't make much sense to me.

Again, I loved your story. Thanks for letting me review it!
-Grace