Young Writers Society

i liked the poem
1. you lost way a bit by talking about churches
2.i liked the flowery alliteration
3.you used some great words
4. it was very creative
5. flow could have been improved but it was still good
keep writing!

I realise this is an old post but I was intrigued when reading the replies.

My first interpretation was that it was purely about the nature of conformity. In my mind every line was filled with ideas on conformity. Unlike Trident, I didn't see any condoning of conformity though. I believe what he was saying was that the use of bells condoned it but then the bare wall condemned. I hear bells as loud and overpowering things that often all chime together which in my eyes is conformity. Even in your case, you said that Religion was forced upon you, this can be seen because you were expected to follow the church bells (if that makes sense).

I didn't really mind the flow of it. I just read it as one line, stopping where i felt like it. That's one of the many beauties of poetry though isn't it?

I enjoyed the poem and the comments were really interesting, very thought provoking. Good work

cadmium wrote:Don't try to cover everything about conformity or lack thereof in nine lines. Just pick one little aspect and deal with it. You don't have to come out and say it, either. Subtlety is very important in poetry, and I felt that this one was a little too message-loaded for me. Stick (haha) to the wallpaper metaphor; I felt like you might've had something there.

try to go into the poem when you know exactly what you want to say.

While using alliteration in that first line shows an ability to use literary techniques, I'm not sure it was really justified. As Trident pointed out, it seemed to be just going for sound (or an A on said English assignment, but poo to that).

*rereads Trident's comment* Okay, so I'm not the only one who thought that the poem contradicted itself. Your explanation didn't really help me there...try to go into the poem when you know exactly what you want to say.

Don't try to cover everything about conformity or lack thereof in nine lines. Just pick one little aspect and deal with it. You don't have to come out and say it, either. Subtlety is very important in poetry, and I felt that this one was a little too message-loaded for me. Stick (haha) to the wallpaper metaphor; I felt like you might've had something there.

I rearranged the line breaks so that some of the near-rhyme is at the end of lines now and it has a more consistent meter (long short long short ect., with 10 syllables on average for the long lines and 7-8 syllables for the short lines). Please tell me if this is an improvement, and also critique it as a whole.

Peeling Away the Wallpaper, Revised

A flow’ry façade feigns a feeble
ignorance of depth, but when
you strip off all the paper—delve beyond
learned behavior, taught ideals,
insecurities, and the chiming bells
of conformity—what is left?
But a bare and lonesome wall lacking luster;
yet of its singular texture,
the hand discerns and the paper conforms.

Baroness Ink wrote:Other then that, no gripes 'cept on the last two lines. The last line seems cut short, the lack of syllables. "Texture, the hand discerns/And the parchment conforms" sounds more interesting.

Baroness Ink wrote:Just my opinion. I'm wondering on the changeoftopic-changeoftopic thing. I suspect it's something of an inner joke, but it's interesting.

We're talking about wallpaper and suddenly you say something about churches and insecurities. And then bells. And suddenly back to wallpaper.

It has a very nice rhythm theme in it- though it wanders a bit.
We're talking about wallpaper and suddenly you say something about churches and insecurities. And then bells. And suddenly back to wallpaper.

Other then that, no gripes 'cept on the last two lines. The last line seems cut short, the lack of syllables. "Texture, the hand discerns/And the parchment conforms" sounds more interesting.

Just my opinion. I'm wondering on the changeoftopic-changeoftopic thing. I suspect it's something of an inner joke, but it's interesting.

Overall- 8/10.


~sumi