Listening to Guqin in Autumn

by IceCreamMan
  • October 5, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Narrative

REVISED VERSION:

Listening to Guqin in Autumn

The troughs lay barren
Unused hay stacked high
The horses have all gone home
To sleep in the sky.

Grey pastures they fled
And from his music die
Amber leaves to azure bed
The wind meanders.

The river ran red
T'was Beauty who made them bleed
Mourning, the monk cried
From the emptiness inside
As falling leaves filled his hand
But nothing his head.

ORIGINAL VERSION:

Listening to Guqin in Autumn

The troughs lay barren
Unused hay stacked high
The horses have all gone home
To sleep in the sky.

Grey pastures they fled
From his music die
Amber leaves to azure bed
The wind meanders.

The river ran red
It was Beauty made them bleed
Mourning, the monk cried
From the emptiness inside
As falling leaves filled his hand
But nothing his head.

Comments & reviews · 6
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LRA
Review
LRA wrote a review · Mon Oct 11, 2010 10:26 am

firstly i think silented1 should shut up, he sounds like an asshole, but i really like your poem i hope you don’t mind but i just printed it out and put it on the back of my door with all my other favourites. Referenced of course to the IceCreamMan  This is a beautiful piece of writing and sounds wonderful when read aloud. The second stanza is fine i don’t think you need to change it, if you’re worried about anything maybe the last line of the first stanza sounds a bit lame. The last stanza is my favourite ;)

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Calligraphy
Review
Calligraphy wrote a review · Thu Oct 07, 2010 3:05 pm

This is really good! *likes

IceCreamMan wrote:The troughs lay barren#FF0000 ">,
Unused hay stacked high#FF0000 ">.
The horses have all gone home
To sleep in the sky.

Grey pastures they fled
From his music die This line is a bit awkward and I am not sure what you mean by it.
Amber leaves to azure bed
The wind meanders. This line seems very detached form the others.

The river ran red#FF0000 ">.
It was Beauty that? made them bleed#FF0000 ">. See, I am confused here. Before you said the pastures were grey. That made me think of barren dead landscape and now you are saying it was beautiful?
Mourning, the monk cried
From the emptiness inside
As falling leaves filled his hand
But#FF0000 ">, nothing his head. I absolutely love the last part of this.


I feel as if you have let your rhyming and need for imagery completely lead the poem. This kind of ruined the poem. You need to concentrate on the meaning of the poem then think about rhyming. Meaning and metaphors should always come first. I guess I don't really have anything else to say. I added some more punctuation (in red bold).

Hope I helped,

A. S.

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IceCreamMan
Comment
IceCreamMan commented · Wed Oct 06, 2010 5:11 pm

This sounds awkward to me. I know you're trying to spice up the rhyme scheme but it doesn't really turn out as fluid as it could.


Would it help if I changed that line to "And from music die"? Alternatively, it could be "And from his music die" if I decided to break the rhythm a bit. This is the one line that I really don't like, but am not sure what to do about.

Also, would it sound better to write "T'was Beauty who made them bleed" instead of "It was Beauty made them bleed"? I usually dislike contractions (is that the word?) such as "t'was" because it is so easy for it so sound forced and unnatural. Alternatively, I could just add the "who" into the original version and break the syllable count. The reason I tried to maintain a certain number of syllables in each line and a particular rhyme scheme was mostly to force myself to think a lot. I find that I write better poems when I have a particular structure; free verse gives me too much freedom to just write down whatever pops into my mind. Thoughts?

Thanks for the crit, sicklee!

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sicklee
Review
sicklee wrote a review · Wed Oct 06, 2010 1:38 pm

This is breattaking, I have to say. I think you need to go back and add some commas and periods here and there, just to make the enjambment clearer, but other than that it doesn't need much editing at all.

From his music die


This sounds awkward to me. I know you're trying to spice up the rhyme scheme but it doesn't really turn out as fluid as it could.

I like your omission of certain words, but I think it doesn't fit well with the casualness of the rest of your speech. If you made some other words in the poem more archaic then it would fit much better. I really enjoyed this - it was a workout for the mind, which I always enjoy. Hope this helps!

-Liz

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IceCreamMan
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IceCreamMan commented · Wed Oct 06, 2010 3:33 am

You should put some punctuation in there, it was kind of hard to see what it ment, I had to read it a couple three times. (Yes, I ment to say a couple three.)


What punctuation would you recommend? If you are only referring to the first two lines, I suppose there could be a comma after the first line, but I don’t see how any other punctuation would help at all. I was trying to avoid punctuation as much as possible in this poem, as a stylistic choice.

Don't horses normally live on a farm? And so far, I am assuming this is a farm.


Actually, when I said “The horses have all gone home / To sleep in the sky” (3-4) I meant that they had died, although I did intend for it to be vague and imply some sort of comfort and warmth, which could be associated with a farmhouse as well.

From his music die. You should use something besides die there, like death but then you'd need to change music as well to match the word. Or maybe you could use something like: from his music slander? And it even makes the stanza have an ABAB rhyme. Also, I was really like what you had so far, it was poetic and still real enough to get me thinking. But that kind of ruined in by derailing me totally.


I agree that this line doesn’t work well. It may be the worst line in the entire poem. However, the issue I had was that I was following a fairly strict rhyme scheme and syllable count (this line had to be 5); the word “die” takes us back to the rhyming in the first stanza. I didn’t want to maintain too regular of a rhyme scheme, because it always seems to be too sing-songish, so instead of the first two stanzas being ABCB DEDE, I decided to make them ABCB DBDE.


Amber leaves to azure bed You should give a bit more connection between the horses and the landscape / elements that they are running from. And I don't see the purpose of the azure bed line and the wind meanders line, what purpose are they serving to your poem? They don't seem to play into an over all metaphor that could be pieced togeather. You should stick with the farm-y-ness. It allows you to say more with less if used correctly.


I’ll try to come up with something that keeps the horse and landscape connection clearer. The line “amber leaves to azure bed” is referencing the horses’ death, again going back to “The horses have all gone home / To sleep in the sky.” Basically, the horses were sleeping on amber leaves on the farm, because it was autumn, but now that they are dead, they sleep on an “azure bed,” i.e. the sky. The wind meandering isn’t very relevant, it just was part of the imagery in my head; I always connect autumn with colorful leaves floating in the wind. This line was also difficult because I didn’t want it to rhyme, at least not within its own stanza, and it had to be 5 syllables.



It was Beauty made them bleed Did you mean who made them bleed?


Yes, that is what I meant. Technically, it is “It was Beauty [who] made them bleed.” However, I omitted the “who” in order to maintain the syllable count, so that the rhythm sounds correct.

Mourning, the monk cried YES, I like that. Mourning, nice.


Thanks! I’m glad.

As falling leaves filled his hand I still do not see the importance of the leaves. You could try making this more clear with a smilie or metaphor. Like: Falling leaves filled his hands, like rotten horse feed. Relating back to the horse idea and how they are important to the poem. I really think you should continue on with that part and rewrite this to be more themed in that direction.


As before, I’ll take your thoughts on re-writing into consideration. The poem is entirely based on a very specific image I had in my mind, so the connections between various elements may not be clear, but should conjure up that image in the reader’s mind as well. In any case, thematically the leaves are an emblem of autumn, the season that anticipates the harsh “death” of winter. They should remind the reader of this and imply what the monk may be thinking about.

But nothing his head. But nothing in his head? You should really use the proper wording, otherwise it sounds annoying.


The line, with the verb, is “But nothing [filled] his head.” The verb is a continuation from the previous line. That’s the style I was going for, although if enough people dislike it I suppose I could make a change.

Thanks a lot for your review! I might not get around to making changes for a while, but I appreciate the input.

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silented1
Review
silented1 wrote a review · Wed Oct 06, 2010 2:32 am

IceCreamMan wrote:Listening to Guqin in Autumn

The troughs lay barren
Unused hay stacked high You should put some punctuation in there, it was kind of hard to see what it ment, I had to read it a couple three times. (Yes, I ment to say a couple three.)
The horses have all gone home Don't horses normally live on a farm? And so far, I am assuming this is a farm.
To sleep in the sky.

Grey pastures they fled
From his music die From his music die. You should use something besides die there, like death but then you'd need to change music as well to match the word. Or maybe you could use something like: from his music slander? And it even makes the stanza have an ABAB rhyme. Also, I was really like what you had so far, it was poetic and still real enough to get me thinking. But that kind of ruined in by derailing me totally.
Amber leaves to azure bed [b]You should give a bit more connection between the horses and the landscape / elements that they are running from. And I don't see the purpose of the azure bed line and the wind meanders line, what purpose are they serving to your poem? They don't seem to play into an over all metaphor that could be pieced togeather. You should stick with the farm-y-ness. It allows you to say more with less if used correctly.
The wind meanders.

The river ran red
It was Beauty made them bleed Did you mean who made them bleed?
Mourning, the monk cried YES, I like that. Mourning, nice.
From the emptiness inside
As falling leaves filled his hand[b] I still do not see the importance of the leaves. You could try making this more clear with a smilie or metaphor. Like: Falling leaves filled his hands, like rotten horse feed. Relating back to the horse idea and how they are important to the poem. I really think you should continue on with that part and rewrite this to be more themed in that direction.
But nothing his head.[b] But nothing in his head? You should really use the proper wording, otherwise it sounds annoying.


That's all I really have to say. If I left something out, PM me about it and I will give my thoughts further.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.



I went to confront noisy neighbours, only to find the windows dark, stuck with two notes. The ghost, too, had "gone fishing". Something still whistled.
— Liminality