Published December 4, 2012
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hello there IceCreamMan! I, Murtle, usually known as Kyllorac, though I suppose you could call me Kyll-murtle-orac, will be reviewing you today, on this very fine Review Day.
With that said, onto the review!
The one thing I particularly liked about this piece was the rhyme. The rhymes are subtle and at first glance not always there, but it works so well, unlike a lot of other poems that try to weave together rhyming and not-rhyming that I've com across. After reading through it a second time, I noticed the pattern, and the pattern is what makes the blending really work.
With that said, the capitalization at the start of every line felt a bit off to me. I don't see any particular reason for it since this isn't a strict form poem like a sonnet or some such, and I actually found it a bit distracting at times, like in these lines:
In addition, the enjambment of those two lines in particular felt quite off, and I think that appending the "appear" to the previous line would make both flow much more smoothly. As it stands, it feels like "appear" has been placed under undue stress due to how it's at the start of the line, all capitalized-like, which makes the enjambment feel quite abrupt. This abruptness is thrown in to stark contrast when compared to the rest of the poem.
Overall though, as much as I admired the rhyme scheme, this poem didn't really do much for me in the feeling department. I mean, it's pretty, and the subject is one I usually relate to quite easily, but I'm just not feeling it with this poem, and I can't really pin down why. I think it might have to do with how this piece is a bit closer to "the tangled in its own complex syntax" end of the poetry scale than it probably should be. Complex sentence structures are fun and dandy, but they do take time to unravel and decipher, and that extra bit of time takes away from the poignancy of this sort of situation.
I think that this poem may possibly benefit from being a little bit simpler.
Wat.
Okay, I am going to say how I interpreted it, because my admiration rests on the fact that my interpretation is correct, because if not it's just confusing and you need to clean it up. But I feel this is a father to his grown-up daughter. The doll makes her seem so young, but the fact that she could drink with him reveals he's grown up, and he's holding on to both images of her at once. Which is so effective once you realize that's what's going on. Before that, it's confusing: young or old? Maybe have him hint at the fact that he realizes she's not a little girl anymore, but the doll makes him feel comfortable. Obviously not in so many words. Less.
But then how can lamps hang over the river? I guess I've never seen it.
+ Appear is such a PASSIVE verb in all of this. And estranged is in the wrong place? It needs to be in this poem to emphasize the distance between them that he regrets, but souls? In the fireflies? Getting too far away from reality for the poem to have the strong effect it might have!
The second stanza needs reworking. The image is strong, but the explanation of it shatters the beautiful, tenuous feeling you'd constructed. Keep the lamps and the fireflies, and the idea of the beacon, but don't spell it out so clumsily.
I'd like to workshop it with you if you want to writer feed pad?
Or if you have questions, let me know.
Can I just state that this was one of the most well-written poems I've read yet on this site? Trust me, it's not often that I pay attention to poems-- they bother me to death, because a lot of the time, they lack that musical theme, that just makes them so fantastic. You've managed to capture this magical quality, however.
I'm loving the imagery, the emotions you just poured into this piece. It's amazing, and as a reader, it made me smile. I couldn't help but just grin, because you are one magnificent author. But, we should get back to the piece.
You didn't rhyme, and I applaud you for that, because you've still managed to make it flow just SO wonderfully. Everything was smooth, everything kind of clicked. Imagine a clock, with the clogs fitting together. It makes a perfect kind of harmony, and that's how your piece was. I enjoyed it thoroughly, trust me. You've fit metaphors, similes, amazing descriptions into this short little piece, but you've made it so amazing. It just... connects. Everything is well understood. But there's that lingering of mystery that keeps a reader interested. A very nice job with that.
But, I do have a few complaints. I've picked through this piece to find anything wrong with it, and I've managed to come up with a few little, tiny, itty-bitty things.
The beginning line: "Your visit passed so quickly, I think,"
First off, there was an unnecessary comma in there, just one. And that made this entire sentence just ruined. Words were fine, everything was fine, except that ONE comma. It makes things terribly awkward, when the rest of the piece is graceful. Nothing too big.
Next, the third line: "With your glass doll swaying, almost pink,"
Excuse me, but I'm going to be rather rude here. You are an author, and while the rest of the piece is so delicately, amazingly put... this is a pathetic description. I know it's a poem, you want to keep it short, to keep it blunt. Keep all the emotions bundled up, without butchering it. But surely you could find other wording for this.
Lastly, the ending line: "Calling their loved ones to come home."
For me, you have this entire full, beautiful poem, packed with emotion and description and gorgeous things. It's juicy with flavor and poetic wording. But it ends so bluntly. So boring. It doesn't feel like the end. I feel like there should be more-- it's not up to par with the rest. It's just so... dull.
But, this entire poem was just amazing! And don't take that lightly, I know I've stuffed tons of words like that into this review, so it must've lost it's meaning by know. But I cannot stress to you enough how fantastic this is.
Good luck, and keep writing. I shall expect more from you!
~Bandit
I really like the imagery in this piece. You put real emotion into this. I know I keep repeating imagery in my reviews but imagery is the base to a good poem. Structure, spelling, grammar are of minimal importance in my opinion. In the end, all you need is emotion, imagery and a love for writing. Great job!
I really like the imagery in this piece. You put real emotion into this. I know I keep repeating imagery in my reviews but imagery is the base to a good poem. Structure, spelling, grammar are of minimal importance in my opinion. In the end, all you need is emotion, imagery and a love for writing. Great job!