Young Writers Society

I enjoyed it, not so much for any dazzling literary merit, but more for the sheer audacity of this. It flaunts a lot of the pretentiousness and sentimentality that we always seem to see in these types of things. Tell it like it is, and it's interesting at least...

... but not something to write home about. You're treading on the border, but really great lyricism eludes this work. There were some lines that made me cringe, and those need to be fixed. Secondly, there's something deeper your can pull out of this one - but not lose the rough tone - which would really make this a classic.

I've put in my versions of some of the more awkward lines. I still think you could throw in a bit more poetry though. Think about it.
[spoiler]
I cannot explain the situation you've placed me in,
Like, seriously, baby, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I just look around and see the things you've left behind,
and it hurts so bad to know that you don't even mind.

It started out as a joke and then you [s]touched me, with[/s] gave me a poke,
We were fooling around when your brother came in for a smoke.
Then he pointed and laughed at me, I was paler than a drum.
What was that song, baby, tell me, that you hummed?

It happened long ago, back when we met for the very first time,
I was posing as a singer, and my girlfriend was a mime. *
Couple of suggestions for this one:
- I was posing as a verse, and my girlfriend was the rhyme
- I was posing as a singer, crooning for a dime

I just hate the "mime" point.

And you read Rimbaud and listened to Bob Dylan songs,
But what really got me, honey, is that you wore a thong.

The [s]mime[/s], she complained but there was nothing she could do
I told you that I loved you and you told me: "Boo-hoo".
It was horrible, really, I've never been so thoroughly mocked,
And maybe that's the reason I punched instead of talked.

Now the cars are heavy and the planes they boom above,
I'm a traveller, a gambler, a drunkard and a dove.
I haven't thought about you for a long time, that's the truth,
[s]I've had many lovers too, one of whom was named Ruth.[/s]
Not even through the haze as I downed my Vermouth

But there was an incident that happened not two days ago,
I was looking for some ciggarettes, my roomate said: "Let's go!"
And I tried to move around but [s]I found myself on a tight spot,[/s] I was under the weather
[s]my shoe laces were all tied up in a knot.[/s] My shoes were all tangled together

I know it seems silly but I fell down on the ground,
My roomate sighed: [s]my mind, he thought, it's not sound.[/s] I know he thought my mind wasn't sound
And as I laid there on the floor, [s]your body reappeared in my mind,[/s] A vision of your body came past
all bright and shiny, and with a really nice [s]behind.[/s] duh.

This song/these words/this poem, I dedicate to you,
[s]I bought you some new lipstick, the colour, it is blue.[/s]My, how the time seems to pass
[s]Now you have something[/s] I've got some lipstick for you to put on when we kiss,
believe me, honey, the next time I won't miss.

Oh, if this was a song, the solo would be right here,
I do know that's not possible, these words you just can't hear.
So I'll just type them really loudly, and maybe then they'll hurt some more,
because frankly, my love, you really are just a whore. I love this line.[/spoiler]

Yeah, Zimmy! \m/ Rock on.

There are a lot of things I like about this poem, but the main thing that's dragging it down is that a lot of the rhymes seem like weird cop-outs.

with a poke,
for a smoke.

I was posing as a singer, and my girlfriend was a mime.

And you read Rimbaud and listened to Bob Dylan songs,
But what really got me, honey, is that you wore a thong.

This song/these words/this poem, I dedicate to you,
I bought you some new lipstick, the colour, it is blue.

Conceptually I applaud you. It's unique, organic, and refreshing to read something a bit more original.

They way you constructed it I wasn't a fan of. It felt as if you had the rhymes in your head before you knew what you wanted to say. The rhymes hindered the poem instead of giving it more flow (a trap I have fell into more than once). Your rhythm really fell off in the second stanza too.

It started out as a joke and then you touched me, with a poke,

We were fooling around when your brother came in for a smoke.

Then he pointed and laughed at me, I was paler than a drum.

What was that song, baby, tell me, that you hummed?

Hey it's you again.

I just seem to love your work. Everything you write seems to be so modern. I keep throwing that term out, but you have such originality in it and personality that strikes out and hits the reader. Well done!

I really liked this line,

Now the cars are heavy and the planes they boom above,
I'm a traveller, a gambler, a drunkard and a dove.
(Traveller should be traveler)

Other then the error, which at first I did not recognize, I really loved this piece. Good Job.

Need chord progression/tablature/notes to give a full critique (for songs I like to play the music as well, to see how well the words mesh with the music)

XD This is quite the troubled rock star's hymn, isn't it? Well I like your work on a whole and I liked this. The stuff I'm writing at the moment could be compared to the speaker's ideas and values, so I guess I'm more switched on to the idea than some of the other reviewers. It's, in places, surprisingly seamless and the rhyme works well. I don't have much else to say other than you gave a good account and I as a reader felt let in.

Very Bob Dylan as well.

Eimear

Okay. I didn't get it. To me it was basically a guy and his skanky girlfriend. I really can't review this.

Hmm, when I first read I was thinking navelgazing, but you involved us and I found I couldn't hate this poem. It was so beautiful and well written. It's very well done. But in my opinion you should make this prose, you've enough information to use. I can't say much more, I wish I could.

Overall: I din't like it much, but I see that it has some ingeniuty.

Good luck
VSN

Yeah, I know it's really weird. I'd never really written a poem before and I just vomited it straight to the post, singing the words for the melody of "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues" by Bob Dylan who I've been listening to a lot lately, which would explain the scornfulness of the lyrics and the title. It's for Cal's Romance Table of Doom Contest. I actually like it quite a lot, despite the surrealness and the hatred. I think it's funny, but what the heck do I know.

Quick typo alert!

all bright and shiny, and a with really nice behind