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Young Writers Society



Angel without her wings pt 2 (sorry to my readers, it's 16+)

by Iamyoursacrifice


“Hi Sapphire!” He exclaimed holding his bags of groceries. I ran over and took some of the bags out of his hands. I took them into the kitchen. “So, do you like my house then, lass?”

“Yes, I do Jessie; I didn’t know you were so talented... but if so why are you working in fields?” He smiled and looked at me with the same look he had used when I’d fallen into his arms in the fields.

“Silly girl, you think I just work in the fields?”

“Well obviously not, you’re fully qualified for every job here.”

“I work in the primary school too; I do some wood work as well. I do what I can.” He moved closer to me. “So um, what age do you think I am?”

“I thought you were 19 but I know you’re 24.”

“How do you know I’m 24?”

“Your encyclopedias said you graduated in 1947; you need to be 20 to get into university. The year is 1951 and that makes about 6 years difference between us, because you’re twenty four.” I smiled tapped his nose and walked towards the groceries. I picked them up and started loading things out of them. Then suddenly I felt him hug me from behind. I felt so... safe, secure... right. His head fit perfectly between my neck and shoulder. Suddenly I felt like I was going to melt. My hand lifted shakily and I caressed his hair. ‘I... I’m in love with Jessie? How is that possible I’ve only known him a day and I already have deep feelings for him. Does he feel the same way? Oh this is so... I don’t know I can barely think anymore, why do I feel so right?’ I thought. I fell into his arms and he held me up. His soft breath caressing my neck and my mind wondering it places unknown and unfelt. Slowly he lifted up my legs and laid me down on the sofa in the lounge. He shut my eyes and kissed me once. I felt like I was floating, and then there was a feeling on my finger. I moved my other hand to feel what it was. It was some sort of ring but I wasn’t concerned about that. He then touched my face and the floating sensation came back. Then I was numb, and my eyes shut ready for sleep.

****

‘She has to be mine!’ I thought then as I watched he drift into her trance like state. I could get rid of that silly accent now she’s asleep. And I couldn’t help thinking how beautiful a mortal could be. I went and sat beside her I took off my shirt and let my wings flex out. The black feathers would feel like silk to her and I knew that if she woke up now she wouldn’t see it but she would remember me being topless. I kissed her again, I couldn’t help it, and she was so perfect even though she was an idiot. ‘She’d make a beautiful angel in fact... she wouldn’t realise... no I can’t!’ I argued with myself I stood up and pressed a button in the pattern on the book case. I went inside and looked through all the parchments. ‘She was the prophecy? The woman I loved was the prophecy? That means I’m the... well it’ll be worth it.’ I pressed the same button and went out of the secret side of the book case. My wings folded in and then out as I went through the doorway. I went into the kitchen and unlocked the witching cupboard. I got out the spices I needed and mixed them with my blood and hers. I got out a vial of some random humans blood and I pulled out one of my feathers; then added it to the mix. I got some unholy water and walked over to her with a sweetened blade and incense burning. I took off her dress and her underwear I took the sweetened blade and ran it down her spine. Blood dripped and I poured the formula into the wound and then rested the feather on top. Then I sealed it with the unholy blood, ‘This will give her everything and more.’ I thought and I slid the ring from her normal finger onto her wedding finger. Then I took the unholy blood and drew out our symbol on her back. She was now fully mine and she was now a dark angel. I rolled her over and kissed my bride. I closed my eyes and suddenly I appeared in Brazil.

I was at the thorn gates of the most violent breed of mythical creatures on the planet. Vampires. And not just vampires, this was the land of every mythical creature created, and now I was at the centre of them. I went to the Queen and bowed to show my black wings. She nodded and her black hair, electric blue eyes and black gown with white roses stitched into the lining. She was beautiful and young just like my love but she was not like her. This woman was evil and manipulative.

“My dearest Queen, I plead to you, my love and the prophecy has been released. My love is the dark angel that your physics have predicted will save the world. I need to marry her now, please I beg of you Seekers. Send it to the council. The prophecy must be completed!”

“You poor, poor man. And yes. Fetch the council for the papers. I shall wed you now. She is asleep I presume?”

“Yes, yes your majesty, she is in a strong trance. Will you need her here?”

“No, just you, I and the council will do. This is a private matter and seeing the Queen is something the prophecy will remember.” I nodded and bowed again. I stood up straight and exited the large hall to go and see the council. The council handed me a pin and I signed with a droplet of my blood to say I had married her. I pulled a hair of my shoulder; it was blond like hers. The man in front of me blew on it so it turned black, then it crumbled into ash. I touched the remains and turned it to blood. This happened in a matter of seconds. Then I was married to her and the prophecy was safe. I closed my eyes and appeared back home. I put my shirt on and carried her to my room. I woke her up slowly.

****

My eyes opened carefully, I was on Jessie’s bed. “You passed out,” he muttered. My back stung and I yelped as I moved to sit upright.

“Jessie... I need to tell you something,”

“What is it, Saph?” I took his hand in mine and began fiddling with his long thin fingers.

“I... I think I’m in love with you, Jessie.” The hand moved out of mine like a flash and straight away he was on top of me. I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck.

“I think I do too Saph, and I know I do. So, so much. And I don’t know how it happened because I’ve only known you for a day and I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” I kissed him passionately and I kissed his neck as he began to explain why my back hurt. “Honey, you know that lump down your back?”

“Yes, it’s painful and where’s your accent gone?”

“Nowhere, I’m just putting on an accent you can understand. What do you think those language encyclopedias were for?”

“Oh, okay... it just confused me that’s all.”

“Well prepared to get very confused.” I took of my shirt and turned around. “Do you see this scar? It’s on you as well.”

“What... does it mean?” I started to shake. “WHAT AM I?!”

“You’re an angel... a dark angel to be precise. Here. I wanna show you something that might make you happy.” I screamed as he swooped across the room and flew through the window with me in his arms. We soared through the sky and I had a strange feeling. A feeling that it was right, the wind blowing through my hair, the moonlight shining in my eyes. Also, there was a blazing desire to spread my wings and fly, fly high into the sky. My wings suddenly burst through my dress and Jessie let go. I floated on the wind. “You’re so beautiful, Saph,” called Jessie. I watched him and smiled, “Marry me,” he shouted. My heart thumped and I couldn’t help myself shouting back,” Yes! I wanna be with you forever.”

“Come on, let’s go down here!” He swooped down and sat on the edge of a cliff. I joined and rested my head on his shoulder. “My wife... my beautiful... beautiful wife,” He caressed my face and smiled at me. He took my hand and lay down on the ground. I joined him and rested my head on his chest. His arms curled around me and mine around him. His body was relaxed and blissful. I wished this moment would never end. Then suddenly I smelt something, an awful, horrible, smell! “What is that?!” I shouted. I jumped up; I looked in every direction and saw one speck. It was a group of seven.

“Not now,” whispered Jessie, “not now.” They grew closer and closer. I looked at Jessie and sat down beside him.

“Who are they... or is it what are they?”

“They’re the hunters; apparently our wings are more beautiful as trophies.” He looked at me, and I could see the love in his eyes. “So, run. Please, just run.” I shook my head and then all of a sudden. He pushed me, off the cliff and all I could see was the Earth around me closing in. I hit the ground and I heard a large bang and all went black.

When I woke up I found myself in a cave, tied up and a man looking at me. He had red in his eyes and his teeth looked sharp. They light playing in the gleam on his hair and the crinkles of his long, jet black, leather cloak revealed the glint of several knives and a gun. “Good morning, sunshine.” He whispered, “Hey guys, we have contact!”

“She’s awake?” laughed a woman with deep blue eyes and long, bouncy, blond hair. But inside those eyes showed a need to cry, to weep away her troubles. Her lips were vibrant red and her dress was mine. I tried to run at her but the chains restricted me. “Oh, shush, it’s okay, it’s only us.” She walked over to me and poked me in the chest. I growled and I knew then that I was born to be free. “Oh, so if that’s how you wanna play, we’ll play. Release her.” The cuffs around my hands loosened and I stretched out my wings and flew to the opening of the cave. They grabbed my legs and suddenly I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my ankle. I fell to the floor and expected never to wake up again, but in a few minutes I was pulled back into the cave. The man with the leather cloak tied me to a large metallic grid. The drugs wore off after about fifteen minutes but I couldn’t help feeling nauseous... I vomited blood. “HELP ME!” I screamed. “HELP ME!” I started crying. Black tears began running down my face.

“Oh shut up! It’s only a little blood and tears, it’s nothing yet.” He wiped away some of my blood and immediately I saw his hand start corroding away. He started screaming and slowly but surely I did too. Soon one section of my body was purely bone and the other was still flesh. I looked at my face in a reflective rock by the exit of the cave, and screamed. I could see part of my skull! Slowly but surely the blood stopped corroding but the tears kept flowing leaving a highly dangerous silver liquid running down my bare chest and legs. A man walked out from the shadows with an old fashioned look about him. His face scarred, young, and handsome and he had a look like he’d seen too much in his eyes. He stood in front of me a wooden stake by his side; he turned and faced the small audience of seven that I’d seen in the field. “Today my children, we see another unclean one leave this planet and join its fellow demons in the underworld.” ‘He’s going to kill me,’ of course this worried me and made me relieved, who knows what his minions would have done, I grabbed my chance in the pause to shout out, “YOU’RE ALL DEMONS TOO! YOU’RE ALL VAMPIRES! I CAN SMELL IT! YOU’RE HIS TOOL DON’T YOU GET IT HE’S BRAINWASHED YOU!”

The woman with blond hair and red lips jumped onto the grid and grabbed hold of my face. I knew what to do. I spat at her, if I have the power of painful tears, blood and spit why not use it? She screamed and let go of the mesh. I look down at her, my wings aching and feathers turning from my elegant, beautiful, silky ones to pointy, ruined ones, I spat at her again. Her face began melting into the ground and soon she was nothing but a skeleton on the floor by my feet. The man with the cloak leapt onto the metal too, ‘his cloak would suit me,’ I thought as I realised my hand was right beside his arm. I shifted all my power to them and soon his body started withering, his veins went black and his eye colour liquefied and fell onto my skin. He soon dropped onto the ground his facial features falling off. He began to regurgitate blood along with his vital organs. The man with the stake in his hands raised it and got close enough so that I could grab his arm and pull him closer. “You’re a dead man,” I whispered in his ear as his blood began to boil and his face began to turn into the man’s on the floor, “tell me where the man on the cliff has gone and I will let you go.” He shook and was no use to me. He was just an old fool! My wings, which weren’t secured, grabbed hold of him, pulled him closer and his body merged with mine giving me power and life.

“SEE?! YOU BELONG IN HELL!” I placed all my powers in my forearms and melted the chains wrapped around my wrists. I did the same with my feet and then flew towards the rest of them. I sprung into the air and screeched “You think I need to be in hell?! You think I’m the creature of SATAN?! I’M NOT, LOOK AT YOURSELVES!” They flinched as I neared the ground, my wings spread out and eyes wild. They were about to be killed and they couldn’t stop it. Tree roots spurted through my hands and legs. Faster than a speeding bullet they grabbed them draining their life away and turning them into soil. I hit the ground in a crouch and heard, “help me...” coming from the lighter side of the cave. I looked towards them and saw a boy he was about fourteen with light brown tuffs of hair and... human toned skin. He wasn’t a vampire or an angel, he was definitely human. I flew over, “please, miss. Help me! They took hold of me from behind, I don’t know why! Please, save me!”

Spoiler! :
The boy plays a huge part in this and the next bit of the story is gonna have some grewsome bits in but it's a little less than the section in this story.

“I only kill the ones that want to kill me, okay? I don’t kill people who have done nothing wrong.” I walked over to him and looked at his wounds. “These are more than just scars; these are infected wounds...”

“What do you mean?”

“It means give me your arm or prepare to be forced into it!” He snapped his arm up into my hand.

Iamyoursacrifice xxxxx


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Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:14 pm
forgottenfallen says...



Saph/Sapphire
When I woke up I found myself in a cave, tied up and a man looking at me. He had red in his eyes and his teeth looked sharp. #FF0000 ">I instantly think ‘gosh he’s a vampire’ now. Maybe you could leave it a little before you give a ground-breaking hint? The light playing in the gleam on his hair and the crinkles of his long, jet black, leather cloak revealed the glint of several knives and a gun. “Good morning, sunshine.” He whispered#FF0000 ">. * “Hey guys, we have contact!” #FF0000 ">So he whispered that too? Maybe you could say ‘he then turned around and shouted’ in the place where I put the star and the full stop instead of the comma.
“She’s awake?” laughed a woman with deep blue eyes and long, bouncy, blond hair. #FF0000 ">Right. This is a tiny nit-pick that could turn into something big. If you first describe someone with their appearance, then they could judge your character harshly straight away. Like… (trying to think of examples now) what if every guy with black hair and green eyes you had ever met was a scheming evil guy? Then you would immediately think that if the character in that story had black hair and green eyes that he was evil and scheming too. Get it? Try and describe something else about her first. How about putting the next sentence before this?  >>>>>> But inside those eyes showed a need to cry, to weep away her troubles. Her lips were vibrant red and her dress was mine. I tried to run at her but the chains restricted me.
#FF0000 ">New speaker, new line. “Oh, shush, it’s okay, it’s only us.” She walked over to me and poked me in the chest. I growled and I knew then that I#FF0000 "> was born to be free. Little cliché on the ‘I was born to be free’ part, try rewording it. And also this is a large point that you shoved into one sentence. Try describing it a lil bit more. “Oh, so if that’s how you #FF0000 ">wanna play, we’ll play. Release her.” #FF0000 ">Remember, normally vampires are hundreds of years old, so normally wouldn’t say ‘wanna’ and shortened words like that.

“Oh shut up! It’s only a little blood and tears, it’s nothing yet.” He wiped away some of my blood and immediately I saw his hand start corroding away. He started screaming and slowly but surely I did too. I’m confused. #FF0000 ">What is corroding her? The vampires or her blood or her tears or her…..just explain it a little more. Soon one section of my body was purely bone and the other was still flesh. I looked at my face in a reflective rock by the exit of the cave, and screamed. I could see part of my skull! Slowly but surely the blood stopped corroding but the tears kept flowing leaving a highly dangerous silver liquid running down my bare chest and legs. #FF0000 ">You should say something earlier about her tears being silver, it’s slightly confusing and I had to double read this. And bare chest? She’s a girl, say something different. A man walked out from the shadows with an old fashioned look about him. His face #FF0000 ">scarred, young, and handsome (don’t these words contradict each other?) and he had a look like he’d seen too much in his eyes. He stood in front of me a wooden stake by his side; he turned and faced the small audience of seven that I’d seen in the field.
#FF0000 ">New speaker, new line! “Today my children, we see another unclean one leave this planet and join its fellow demons in the underworld.” #FF0000 ">He's going to kill me, #FF0000 ">I thought. Thoughts in Italic… Of course this worried me and made me relieved, who knows what his minions would have done, I grabbed my chance in the pause to shout out, #FF0000 ">“YOU’RE ALL DEMONS TOO! YOU’RE ALL VAMPIRES! I CAN SMELL IT! YOU’RE HIS TOOL DON’T YOU GET IT HE’S BRAINWASHED YOU!” Too many capitals seem amateur, try using exclaiming and desperate punctuation mixed in the capitals instead.


Shall do more soon! x

PS:

Slowly he lifted up my legs and laid me down on the sofa in the lounge.

Hehehehe.




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Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:40 pm
forgottenfallen wrote a review...



“Hi Sapphire!” He exclaimed holding his bags of groceries#FF0000 ">. Full stop I ran over and took some of the bags out of his hands. I took them into the kitchen. “So, do you like my house then, lass?”
“Yes, I do Jessie; I didn’t know you were so talented... but if so why are you working in fields?” He smiled and looked at me with the same look he had used when I’d fallen into his arms in the fields.
“Silly girl, you think I just work in the fields?”
“Well obviously not, you’re fully qualified for every job here.”
“I work in the primary school too; I do some wood work as well. I do what I can.” He moved closer to me. “So um, what age do you think I am?”
“I thought you were 19 but I know you’re 24.”
“How do you know I’m 24?”
“Your encyclopedias said you graduated in 1947; you need to be 20 to get into university. The year is 1951 and that makes about 6 years difference between us, because you’re twenty four.” I smiled tapped his nose and walked towards the groceries. I picked them up and started loading things out of them. Then suddenly I felt him hug me from behind. I felt so... safe, secure... right. His head fit perfectly between my neck and shoulder. Suddenly I felt like I was going to melt. #FF0000 ">That is so Lexy-esque what he just did. My hand lifted shakily and I caressed his hair. I... I’m in love with Jessie? How is that possible I’ve only known him a day and I already have deep feelings for him. Does he feel the same way? #FF0000 ">Oh this is so... I don’t know I can barely think anymore, why do I feel so right? #FF0000 ">Use italics instead, soooo much easier to understand I thought. I fell into his arms and he held me up. His soft breath caressing my neck and my mind wondering it places unknown and unfelt. #FF0000 ">Slowly he lifted up my legs and laid me down on the sofa. Er.....he has a sofa in his kitchen? Maybe you can explain them walking into the living room? He shut my eyes and kissed me once. I felt like I was floating, and then there was a feeling on my finger. I moved my other hand to feel what it was. It was some sort of ring but I wasn’t concerned about that. #FF0000 ">It wasn’t on the normal engagement finger; it was on my index finger. She just said she wasn’t concerned, but she is discussing what finger it was on?! He then touched my face and the floating sensation came back. Then I was numb, and my eyes shut ready for sleep.

Quickly, just quickly, you need to find a way to show character point of view better. Maybe, as soon as a new character starts talking, write their name at the start. Like this.

Jessie
‘She has to be mine!’ I thought then as I watched #FF0000 ">her drift into #FF0000 ">a trance like state.#FF0000 "> I personally think this sounds better, the first thing was an error. I could get rid of that silly accent #FF0000 ">now she’s asleep. And I couldn’t help thinking how beautiful a mortal could be. These two sentences sound dis-jointed, reword them so they flow a bit better. Starting sentences with ‘and’ never normally work. I went and sat beside her, #FF0000 ">taking off my shirt and let my wings flex out. #FF0000 ">You really have to be careful with how you word your sentences and your punctuation. The black feathers would feel like silk to her, comma and I knew that if she woke up now she wouldn’t see it, comma (again) but she would remember me being topless. I kissed her again, I couldn’t help it, and she was so perfect even though she was an idiot. #FF0000 ">Hahahaha, Lexy-esque (again) #FF0000 ">She’d make a beautiful angel in fact... she wouldn’t realise... no I can’t!#FF0000 "> Thoughts in italic.
“Yes, it’s painful and where’s your accent gone?”

“Nowhere, I’m just putting on an accent you can understand. What do you think those language encyclopedias were for?”


Should he say 'nowhere, I was just putting on an accent you could understand'? Wrong use of tense.




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Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:32 pm
forgottenfallen says...



Yeah cos I read 18 years old stories all the time.




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Tue Jan 05, 2010 5:08 pm



Maybe.... :) He did go through it and edit it with me. He did miss bits though, I was reading through it last night and I found loads of little mistakes. It's okay and besides yeah, it's possibly 16+. Question can I still access my comments if I'm 12 and trying to read my own story, which I marked as 16? I think so but I'm not sure.

Iamyoursacrifice xxxx




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Tue Jan 05, 2010 4:48 pm
forgottenfallen says...



Don't say gory, when you post it mark it as '12, 16, or 18.' I personally think this is 16 and over according to YWS rules. Anyway, the diologue is very good and realistic. Lexy edit it?





We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer