The Change

Hi, thanks everyone for the reviews ... I will definitely put together your suggestions

Hey iamnotperfect,

The main thing I notice reading this poem is that you do too much telling, even in places where showing would be relatively easy, and you come off as too blunt/abrupt in a lot of places. Examples include but are not limited to "now I know that this is from where it started.", "It was a rainy day" (which is unecessary since you mention the rain just after)...

soon the anger that was building up inside me
would have left me oblivious to my surrounding.

I could feel the release of adrenaline from its cage,
making my heart work harder,
just like the engine of a car about to start a race;
yes I was on the verge of fury,
as magma is when waiting to erupt from a Volcano.

he didn’t understand;
that being part of his stubbornness,
instead he just kept on talking.

I couldn't take it no more,
I shouted back,
it didn't feel like me though,
I felt possessed but my own rage.

Those weren't my words
were they?
What was I saying.

The argument grew even more,
we shouted at each other talking nonsense,
he looked at me in the eyes losing control of the car;
all I remember after that is just a flash.

Hey there, Imnotperfect! Flower here, and I will be your reviewer for the evening.

Iamnotperfect wrote:He was driving smoothly; I don't know that I really like the word smoothly written here. I think it throws off the flow. I think that this poem lacks flow as well. I know I just contradicted what I said, but I am trying to add flow to this as I review.
everything was still at first,
than I said something Comma after this.
that broke that sense of serenity. The proper word here wouldn't be than, it would be then. Also I would take the part from the word that on and start a new line. (like so) I would also put a period at the end of this, and start a new, would you call it sentence, after this.
Now I know that this is from where it started. I would take away the word from, and add the word all before the word started.

It was a rainy day,
I could hear the tip tap of the rain on the window, I think my window would sound better.
although I was inside the car, it still felt chilly, Add a comma where I put one. Also put a period instead of a comma at the end and start a new sentence.
Soon the anger that was building up inside me Take away the word up, it's not nessecary.
would have left me oblivious to my surrounding. Take away the words would have, it takes away from the flow of the poem.

He just kept on talking,
without letting me give my say. Period instead of comma.
He thought that only his opinion mattered,
it was like talking to a wall. I think this lline takes away from the flow of the poem. It feels like the only thing you are doing here is ranting. I would change this line completely.
My view meant nothing, I would put the words "to him," at the end of this.
then this feeling started taking over me. I reworded this whole line to sound better.

I could feel the release of adrenaline from its cage,
making my heart work harder. Period instead of comma.
Just like the engine of a car, about to start a race.
Yes, I was on the verge of fury,
like magma is, when waiting to erupt from a Volcano. This line is to lengthy, it takes away from the poem.

He didn't realize that his words hurt,
it felt like being stabbed over and over again. Period here, it gives dramatic effect to the next line.
He didn’t understand.
That being part of his stubbornness, Instead of being I would put the word was.
instead he just kept on talking. Put the word and instead of the word instead.

I knew that soon I would lose it,
then my expression had a sudden
but indelible change. Did you mean inevitable here?

I couldn't take it no more, Anymore, not no more.
I shouted back.
It didn't feel like me though,
I felt possessed but my own rage.

Those weren't my words,
were they?
What was I saying?

The argument grew even more,
we shouted at each other, talking nonsense.
He looked at me in the eyes, losing control of the car, Get rid of the word at.
andall I remember after that, is just a flash.

WOw!
You have some stunning imagery, which is strong and paints a lovely picture for the reader

I could feel the release of adrenaline from its cage,
making my heart work harder,
just like the engine of a car about to start a race;
yes I was on the verge of fury,
as magma is when waiting to erupt from a Volcano.

I kind of like this. I think I would like it more as a short story though. It has a good narrative to it, but not the kind that is right for a poem. The description is brilliant, and really sets the scene. I also liked how it progresses at a steady pace, except for the sudden halt at the end. The person narrating is a strong character, and it seems a shame that she is stuck in a poem so short.

I think you should turn this into a short story There's something nice about the way you write, and I'm interested to read more. Nice work!

Hi I do agree with some of the things that you said and this is the reason why I made changes to the poem that I would like you to review. About the emotion part, I didn't want to concentrate on the argument itself but the actual sense of anger that everyone has once in a while. In addition to this, it is obvious that when two people argue it doesn't take long to loose control especially when driving a car. Also I can't argue about the Vampire metaphor that felt weird even to me HAHA. Thanks ... there definitely is more to improve but this is all I could do in these few minutes

Hiya,

Excuse me if this is a little rusty, as I'm not that great at reviewing poetry. Before I talk about the poem as a whole, I wanted to mention something about the line breaks in this poem.

You really seem
to stick
them
in the most random
and
inconvenient places
which makes
it really
hard to read

I know I'm over exaggerating a bit, but trying to read poems with random line breaks feels awkward and choppy, the sensation you would probably get from reading the above. Often you break it off right in the middle of a phrase or sentence. There isn't a set place to end a line, but my advice to you is to think about where you're cutting off. Are you doing it because it feels natural and because you've already said enough on one line? In this way, line breaks help determine the rhythm so they're really important to pay attention to. Another good thing to do when you're done would be read it aloud before the poem is posted. That way you'll get to catch a lot that you can't just by looking at something.

As for the poem itself, I didn't care for it. I couldn't really tell what was going on. You talk about a fight. What is the fight about? What is troubling the narrator? Why does it cause them to lose focus on the road? These are all important questions, but since you don't answer any of them, we're left in the dark and don't really feel anything for the characters during the duration of this poem.

Also, this didn't feel very poetic. I couldn't get a real since of imagery or rhythm. The only imagery you had was the metaphor of the vampire and the volcano, and even that felt somewhat out of place. Draw the reader into the setting and make us realize what is going on. Is it dark outside? Is it cold in the car? As for the rhythm, see the first paragraph about the line breaks, as that will help you tremendously.

That's all I really have. Shoot me a PM if you have any questions.

-Elinor x