Published June 25, 2011
I wish I could go back to when I was a child,
to when I felt at ease with this world.
I wish I could say I love you sincerely
and be unafraid of the consequences.
As I reminisce myself of those memories,
a sense of melancholy obscures such moment;
I realize there is no going back to that state.
That odour ...
it took me back for an instant,
I saw myself, so pure so free
but then again I realize it is all part of my imagination.
I wish I could go back in time
and jump between their wings,
and believe a protective shield surrounded me.
I wish I could look at the world with such naivity;
as I grasp that memory, I give a smile.
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138,947 Literary Works • 672,337 Reviews
We all wish we could go back in time and become a kid again. Me included. Unfortunately, we can't, and have to settle for the memories. I loved reading this poem, because it reminded me of my childhood again.
Great job with this, it's very good!
It's wonderful reading poems where you can relate to what the poet has written. It reminds you that what your reading isn't just a series of letters on the screen but emotions in print.
I guess we all, at some point, wish we could return to a specific point of time... Thank you for sharing this.
Wow--that is what writing truly is. You told a story that was almost like still photo frames for us to watch as we read. It is very hard to make the two flow so easily but I heard your voice as i read while being able to pitcure what you were describing.
Great job!
Only a few things I want to point out (if anyone has talked about these already I'm sorry)
I understand what you are saying but at face value these two lines dont read very smoothly.
I can tell that you want to be quick about this description but a line or two after this one you may want to think about giving the readers more description so the odor ties into the story more.
Who's wings? That's just me being curious
And to close I love love love your conclusion!
Keep writing
Hello there.
Nitpicks:
- This is a clich� thought, but I love the honesty in this.
- Powerful.
- This seems awkwardly written.
- The space before the ellipsis isn't necessary.
- 'odour' seems a little too unusual of a word. Try using 'smell'.
- I think it should be a period after 'instant'.
- Put a comma after 'pure'. Also, you can put a period after 'free'.
- What wings? o.o
- I think it's better if there was a 'that' after 'believe'.
- Nice ending.
- I think there should be a comma after 'memory'.
- The 'naivity' should be 'naivety'.
I like this poem.
Never stop writing!
Hello, thanks for the constructive comments. By "jump between their wings" I was referring to my parents because that is what most children associate their parents with; love and affection and most importantly protection. Thank you
I love this because it's a poem a lot of people can relate to
It's very well structured and the detail is great. I don't think I have any faults that I found so just keep up the good work :]
I can relate very very well. So first off, excellent job in explaining everything will such simplicity that I could relate.
Second off, I love the second stanza of this poem. I'm sure many people have felt this way. I know I have. But I've never been able to put the feeling down into words. Thank you for that.
I don't quite understand this part though:
Maybe I'm missing something but I don't quite see where this fits in. What exactly do these wings belong to? I'm thinking you meant time I had to read it a few times to come to that conclusion.
At the end, the word 'naivity' makes sense but it's a ... what's the word ... more difficult? longer? word and doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. And it just seems out of place especially in the last stanza.
Good poem! I really enjoyed reading this. Keep writing.
HAPPY REVIEW DAY! : )
Hi, I do apologize for the spelling mistakes, after all I wrote the poem in the moment as you can see but I really appreciate the comment; also when I said "that state" I meant going back to my infancy ...to conclude thank you
.
I really like this! I can personally relate to your topic. It's very real and perfect to convey in a poem.
I like your structure and description, I just have a couple things I'd like to point out.
I feel like you should change "such" world to "this" or something else like that. When you say "such" it sounds like you're already talked about a world..when you've talked about a time period. Kind of trivial, but came to my attention
Spelled "sincerely".
I assume you mean "reminisce"?
Spelled "realize" and I'd say "this" state instead of "that".
I feel like there should be a comma or semicolon between these two lines.
This is my favorite stanza
Overall I liked your poem, just a couple minor spelling and grammar changes you should watch out for, but that's nothing a little proof-read or spell check can't fix
If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
<3 Sara.