Hey Traunt! Writer here, as requested ^.^ So this is the song you wrote two years ago? (If memory serves me correctly). It’s not “rubbish” at all 
I think you did quite well with this! Let’s dive in, shall we? (lol, these transitions from “hello” to the actual review are starting to sound cheesy and weird xD)
I was tripping over the cracks
on a sober journey called life.
So this song is about alcoholism, correct? (duh, Grace) Basically, the word “sober” does kind of give it away almost immediately, a bit too quick for my liking. When I read sober, I thought of alcohol almost instantly, since sober and alcohol are kind of affiliated (you know, when you’re not drunk, you’re sober). So, I say start out a little more slowly, and then pick up and start giving out more details with build up to the chorus. If that makes any sense
Counting my every penny,
just to get me through the night.
With this line, I was a little confused. Counting pennies meaning the speaker (yes, I shall treat this as a poem, because, I mean, it kind of is…) is getting ready to buy another drink? Only curious
I’m pretty sure that’s what you mean, but I don’t want to misinterpret, as I can do that a lot…. xDSmiling through my pain,
barely facing the morning light.
I don’t mean to pull the song line by line apart, but I want you to understand that morning light is cliché, and so is the rhyme of “light” and “night” xD I’m not asking you to change it, because you’ve done a great job with details in each line, instead of something like “good night…see you in the morning light” Like that just drives me crazy
But this is just to be careful, because it’s kind of overused. This song is totally and beautifully original, but I do catch this a lot in songs So just to be on the safe side, I’m pointing it out. Also, starting out a line/idea with “ly” isn’t always the best. Same goes for “-ing”. I would reword it like this (yeah, it could mess up the rhythm, so I’m not saying you have to do change it, but that means you can always sing the line faster, like I do xD It still works) “Yellow teeth” (although, I don’t think you can get yellow teeth from drinking, but yellow teeth can show that the person is imperfect)…
“Yellow teeth smiling through the pain
I barely face that morning light…”
I dunno, it’s just a thought. I’m trying to make the lyrics more personal here, with adding an imperfection and “that” to kind of say “there are different morning lights, and this one I don’t like” blah blah blah. It’s probably a useless suggestion, and I don’t want to change your lyrics because they’re yours!
So it’s up to youthough it smacked me between the eyes.
Ha ha you pulled a Grace here xD I like how you just found a word that rhymes with the vowel sound, and not the end sound. You did a great job pulling it off. I’ve done this many a times
Had ... I ... taken it a bit too far?
Had ... I ... loved that baited bar?
I wouldn't take another sip.
I wouldn't press it my lips.
Hmm, I think the second line is a bit shorter than the first line, with not enough syllables to keep the rhythm smooth and flowing. “loved” and “taken” are different syllables, which is obvious
But it does mess up the flow. As for the fourth line, I think you forgot the word “to” after ‘press it’ so make sure to go back in there and add that xDI would ignore my urgent need.
I would dismiss my desperate plead.
I really like the flow, but I am really not sure about the “would” part. Is the singer trying to make it a goal to stop drinking? It’s weird how you say “would” instead of “will.” Only curious about that part.
I got a new job every week
in every store I could find.
Delving into my purse,
though my payments were behind.
Last line of this little excerpt is a lot longer than the others. I suggest shortening it because it was a mouth full with the melody I created as I sang this (in my head xD).
Suck it up. Time is up.
Suck it up. Just your luck.
Suck it up. Move on up.
Suck it up -- I can't. I can't!
Hmm this is the bridge? This a little interesting for a bridge
I want to warn you that “up” and “up” are the same word and shan’t be rhymed because then it’s not rhyming hee hee. Very dramatic though, kind of like a punk rock thing. I can see some guy screaming into a microphone “Suck it up!!” with some heavy metal xDDD However, you did say it has some country twang to it? Then I’m going to try to sing it with a softer hillybilly accent and see where that takes me xD
Okay enough of me talking about what could be worked on.
I really really like this! You did a great job with flow, and for two years ago (which is basically my age hee hee) you did wonderful. I like the rhythm and you musttttt record yourself singing it. No buts, I wanna hear it
I would love to learn the original melody for this. Great job, Traunt.Absolutely.
I wonder, what inspired you to write this? I’m quite curious
~Grace
hmmm... I'll work on that, thank you.
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