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16+ Language

Me: The Beginning

by IamOne


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

So where do I begin? Today I had a great time with a friend, a very close friend. We ditched school, went to church, then to the library. It was freezing cold outside; my body shivering, face red, the tip of my fingers were numb and on fire, the wind didn’t help either. The ground was icy, and the fresh snow abundant. I wore: three shirts a black hooded sweater and dickies.

My friend, Marilu, is one of a kind. Never really met anyone like her in my life; she's an intelligent, outgoing, funny person. To me she's also classy: the posture, the clothes, her manners, she's just wow. She's help me with allot, so much said and done and finally I feel better, she was the remedy needed. As I opened up to her she opened up to me. I just hope I’ve helped her as much as she has helped me.

It’s about eight A.m., six hours till we head back to school after the final bell rings so I can get picked up by my parents. Ok now, "why church?" Well, let me explain: it is the only place I actually feel comfortable in. So peaceful, so quiet, it helps me think. And with her by my side I feel good, allot better than good, I feel great, and thank God for that because I didn’t feel great earlier. My palms sweaty, heart racing, body numb, and i can neither walk nor think straight. My body aches, and my breathing weak, I suffer from anxiety. As I look back, the symptoms stretch back years. I just dealt with my troubles, as I always have dealt with life, by myself.

As we sat down in the warmth of God I felt a sense of peace. I think allot, no, I over think. As I look around and see statues, commemorations, and emptiness around the church, I just can't help but to look at her. Her, with her glasses, smooth coat, smooth black hair, and nice posture. Strange of a guy like me, to hang around with a girl like her. Loving, caring, mother like, generous, funny, kind, understanding, lovable, that is what I see. As said I over think and I don't want to lose her, and so because of that, I am cautious. All for me, I guess you can call me selfish, in the end I wouldn't care.

I am the average kid. I live on the south side of Chicago; cold, cruel, and filled with drama. Enveloped in negativity and consumed by rage and the feeling of isolation I paved my road. In constant conflict with myself, with her, I am at rest. I can think and breathe. I asked, how do you confess in church? How does the process start? Where do you go? Her, doing all that is needed of you in religion tells me. Why do I ask? You can only imagine. I have confessed not in a religious manner but something i felt close to it. The feeling of vulnerability, i opened up to her. These emotions spilled over levies and the flow of salt water ran down my face and the storm raged in my throat. Finally, the first out of so many: teenagers, adults, friends, family, counselors, who sees right through my internal barrier as if it was glass with no real effort needed. I feel understood and cared for, and boy is it a great feeling.

The Kids that go to school at the church came in and had music class within the church itself. Oh how I love the melody echoing throughout the church and into my head. I play the saxophone and proud to say good at it. I love it when in class I set everything up and just play, everyone stops and listens. Goes to show talent runs in the family, my brother played the trombone; he went to band competitions and everything. My big brother, Enrique, always wanted the best for me. As I ignored his warnings I fell into a pool of disease. So I deserve to be where I am now, a has been.

As we left church I had a sense of loneliness and i didn’t know why. To my surprise she held onto my arm on our Way to the library. That is the reassurance I needed from her, her letting me know she does want to be with me. We walked down Nineteenth Street and with that memories of ditching school with friends, the gangs, past events came to mind. I can't help but to look up and read the street names at every corner even though it wasn't necessary since I knew where I was going. As I look up with the sun in my eyes, I read: 19th, laflin, Blue Island, loomis. I try not to let my past bother me but I can't help it at times.

We got to the library; this was our second attempt to get in since it was still closed the first time we arrived. This time, open, we went inside. I looked around and many either avoided looking at me or couldn't help but stare a bit. Its ok, I'm used to it. Awkward not wanting to sit down, I went around looking at books. I hate reading, so many books most cliché or just flat out boring, ugh! Me being a bit bored I decided to fool around a bit.

I told her something stupid something that envolves my past and she got upset.The more I said it the more noticably bothered she was."Black and gold" i said. I felt bad though, so I hugged her. Her still upset I didn't care I thought it was cute. When I hug her, I block everything out, and the only thing on my mind is her. The feeling of her soft warm body pressing onto mine; my heart races and my emotions set on her. To me, it feels as if we are the last couple on the dance floor at prom with us under the spot light dancing to a slow song. I love showing her how much I care for her because growing up affection was hard to come across. With that, and maybe, because of that I was always quiet. Men suffer in silence, and in silence, we die. With her, I am no longer quite but as loud as I can be and because of her I am saved. The warmth of her body still onto mine, I love you.


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Fri Apr 19, 2013 10:15 pm
Searria H. wrote a review...



Hey there, IamOne! Sorry I've been so lame about responding to your review request in a timely manner.
You've gotten some really good feedback from my fellow reviewers, so I'll try not to repeat anything. If it's all right with you, I'm going to ignore all of the grammar, since I think all of the errors have been covered.

You have a very nice start here. The piece has potential to be really beautiful. I'm not really sure why you rated it "16+ for language," though...
Anyway, on to the review.

Voice
I really liked the narrators voice. He's very personable and sensitive. There are a few inconsistencies in his characterization, though. Why would he feel comfortable in a church without (I'm assuming) a strong religious background but feel very uncomfortable in a library? Also:

I told Marilu "I'm turning king." I kept telling her those words trying to crush those thoughts into her head. I was so desperate to get a reaction I threw my hands up to her face and 'crowned' her. "king love, stone Donut killa, I'll die for my nation. “

Um....this really confused me. It's probably mostly because I didn't get the reference, but it also just didn't seem to fit into his character. Perhaps you could try hinting at a mischievous nature earlier in the piece to make this sudden outburst more believable.

Relationships
I think you could develop the relationship between your narrator and Marilu better through imagery in dialogue rather than the narrator praising her profusely. It gets slightly...annoying? I'm not sure that's exactly the word I want to use. But his overflowing adoration gets a little old as the piece goes on. Don't tell us how your narrator feels about Marilu - show us through his actions and reactions.

Style
I like the conversational feel to your writing, but it almost seemed like you weren't entirely committed to it. The informal style slipped in only occasionally, and so it sort of caught me off guard. You might try playing with it. Try telling this story to a pet or pillow or whatever and listen to the type of language you use when you're talking. It might be a fun exercise to transfer spoken language into written prose.
Also, something that really bothered me was the overuse of adjectives. Especially lists of adjectives. Again, show, don't tell. When you just list someone's qualities, it gives a very superficial image. Let the reader come to their own conclusions about the characters' personalities based upon his/her own observations while reading the piece. It's more engaging for the reader. :)

Overall, I think you have a marvelous starting point. I can't wait to see what you do with it. Let me know if you have any questions or comments about my review. I'd be happy to try to clear anything up.
Happy writing!
-Sea-




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Fri Apr 05, 2013 10:53 pm



AWESOME JOB!! I just reread it and honestly, GREAT JOB. :) So much greatness for you right now!




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Thu Apr 04, 2013 1:55 am
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



Hallo! I have finally come to review!

So, some grammatical/writing style suggestions:

So where do I begin?


I don't think this is very good as a first line. Instead of a question, I would suggest something like "Today my friend and I ditched school to go to church and the library", which starts with something happening.

It was freezing cold outside; my body shivering, face red, the tip of my fingers were numb and on fire, the wind didn’t help either.


The part of this sentence after the semi-colon isn't an independent clause. This could be fixed just by adding "was" before "shivering" and "red", and "my" before "face" and "and" after "red,". Also, that should be "the tips of my fingers".

Also, "the wind didn't help either" is an independent clause, so putting it together with the rest of the sentence with only a comma is a comma splice. My suggestion would be to put a period after the first half of the sentence (the part before the semi-colon) and a semi-colon between "fire" and "the wind".

I wore: three shirts a black hooded sweater and dickies.


The colon isn't necessary here, and interrupts the flow of the narrative. Also, there should be a comma after "shirts" (and there can be one after "sweater" if you like serial commas).

To me she's also classy: the posture, the clothes, her manners, she's just wow.


I would suggest lining these up by using either "her" or "the" each time before the words in the list instead of switching between them.

She's help me with allot, so much said and done and finally I feel better, she was the remedy needed. As I opened up to her she opened up to me. I just hope I’ve helped her as much as she has helped me.[


That should be "She's helped me" (or "She helps me"). Also, "allot" should be "a lot". "Allot" has a completely different meaning, and isn't the word you want.

Also, I think you should clarify when you say "help". What exactly was it that she did? Was it something with school, such as tutoring, or something like counseling, or something like giving hope to the narrator?

It’s about eight A.m., six hours till we head back to school after the final bell rings so I can get picked up by my parents.


Firstly, "A.M." and "P.M" can be either capitalized or not, depending on the style guide you look at; however, you shouldn't have one letter capitalized and one not.

Also, you started out the story in past tense, but here you switch to present (and later you switch back and forth between past and present). In order to keep it consistent, you should pick one and stay with it the whole time (for this, I would suggest using past).

Ok now, "why church?"


Firstly, both letters in "OK" should be capitalized. Also, the "w" in "why church?" should be capitalized.

Well, let me explain: it is the only place I actually feel comfortable in.


The word "in" here is unnecessary.

And with her by my side I feel good, allot better than good, I feel great, and thank God for that because I didn’t feel great earlier.


Again, that should be "a lot". Also, are "good" and "great" really the best words you can use to describe the way she makes the narrator feel?

My palms sweaty, heart racing, body numb, and i can neither walk nor think straight.


"I" should be capitalized.

My body aches, and my breathing weak, I suffer from anxiety.


That should be "my breathing is weak". Also, "I suffer from anxiety" is an independent clause, so this sentence is a comma splice; I would suggest making the comma after "weak" a semi-colon or period.

As I look back, the symptoms stretch back years.


I would change one of the "back"s to something else, because both of them in the same sentence sounds a bit repetitive.

I think allot, no, I over think.


"A lot" again.

As I look around and see statues, commemorations, and emptiness around the church, I just can't help but to look at her.


The "to" between "but" and "look" should be cut out. Also, I would change one of the "look"s to "glance" or "stare" or something similar to make it not sound repetitive.

Her, with her glasses, smooth coat, smooth black hair, and nice posture.


I would suggest switching one of the "smooth"s for something else; both of them here sound repetitive. Also, is "nice" really the strongest way to describe her posture?

As said I over think and I don't want to lose her, and so because of that, I am cautious.


That should be "As I said". Also, there should be a comma after "said" and "think". Also, here, and when you used it before, "over think" should have a hyphen between the two words.

Her, doing all that is needed of you in religion tells me.


I'm confused as to the meaning of this sentence. Do you mean "She, doing all that is needed of you in religion, tells me"?

I have confessed not in a religious manner but something i felt close to it.


There should be a comma after "confessed" and "manner". Also, "I" should be capitalized. Also, I think that should be "something I felt was close to it."

The feeling of vulnerability, i opened up to her.


"I" should be capitalized here as well. Also, "the feeling of vulnerability" doesn't really make sense here. Do you mean something around the lines of "I felt vulnerable when I opened up to her"?

The Kids that go to school at the church came in and had music class within the church itself.


I don't think "Kids" should be capitalized.

I play the saxophone and proud to say good at it.


That should be "I play the saxophone and, I am proud to say, am good at it."

I love it when in class I set everything up and just play, everyone stops and listens.


There should be a conjunction, most probably "and", after the comma to prevent a comma splice.

Goes to show talent runs in the family, my brother played the trombone; he went to band competitions and everything.


This is also a comma splice. I would suggest putting the semi-colon instead of the comma after "family" and making the semi-colon after "trombone" a comma, with "and" after it.

As we left church I had a sense of loneliness and i didn’t know why.


"I" should be capitalized.

To my surprise she held onto my arm on our Way to the library.


"Way" shouldn't be capitalized.

This time, open, we went inside.


That should be "This time it was open; we went inside", or something of the sort.

I looked around and many either avoided looking at me or couldn't help but stare a bit.


I would suggest putting "people" after "many" and a comma after "around".

Its ok, I'm used to it.


"It's" should have an apostrophe, and "OK" should be capitalized.

Awkward not wanting to sit down, I went around looking at books.


There should be a comma after "awkward".

I hate reading, so many books most cliché or just flat out boring, ugh!


That should be "so many books are cliche".

Me being a bit bored I decided to fool around a bit.


I would suggest cutting out "Me being" (the sentence is fine without it) and putting a comma after "bored".

I kept telling her those words trying to crush those thoughts into her head.


There should be a comma after "words". Also, I'm not sure "crush" is the right word here; I think that's a bit more harsh than you mean.

"king love, stone Donut killa, I'll die for my nation. “


"King" should be capitalized. Also, the second quotation marks shouldn't be separated with a space from the dialogue.

Also, this is a bit...unexpected, perhaps? It's a bit sudden, and doesn't really make sense.

The more I said it the more upset she got, couldn't help but laugh.


That should be "but she couldn't help but laugh", I think.

Her still upset I didn't care I thought it was cute.


That should be something along the lines of "She was still upset, but I didn't care; I thought it was cute."

The feeling of her soft warm body pressing onto mine; my heart races and my emotions set on her.


The first part of this, the part before the semi-colon, isn't an independent clause; I would make that "presses" instead of "pressing".

To me, it feels as if we are the last couple on the dance floor at prom with us under the spot light dancing to a slow song.


I think "spotlight" is one word. Also, I would put commas after "prom" and "spotlight".

I love showing her how much I care for her because growing up affection was hard to come across.


I would put a comma after "growing up".

With that, and maybe, because of that I was always quiet.


The comma after "maybe" should be moved to after "because of that".

Men suffer in silence, and in silence, we die.


I really like this line.

With her, I am no longer quite but as loud as I can be and because of her I am saved. The warmth of her body still onto mine, I love you.


That should be "quiet", not "quite". There should also be commas after "quiet" and "be".

Also, "I love you" switches from third to second person. Shouldn't that be "I love her"?

Well, all in all, this has a lot of emotion and the potential to be very meaningful, but a lot of the grammatical mistakes make the meaning harder to get across. If you fix a lot of those, this will be a very good piece. Good luck with any writing in the future!

Wherethewindgoes




IamOne says...


Well nice to know you you took(I'm guessing) a very long time to write type this all down lol thank you



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Tue Apr 02, 2013 8:45 pm
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Twinkle4ever wrote a review...



Hey! First of all, I'll have to tell you that there are just too many reviews below and even if I read each and every one of them, I still wouldn't be able to remember which point they'd missed. So if I repeat anything they've already said, which I'm pretty sure I will, please do excuse it. :)
This is a beautiful piece of writing. Even though there were mistakes detectable, I was too engrossed in the chapter to let it bother me. You have the ability to grasp the reader's attention right from the start. I mean it. What I suggest here is that you just go through it once or twice and correct the past/present thingy. At places your sentences depict present tense while others are in past tense. You needn't use both. Just write it in the tense you're most comfortable with. There are also grammatical errors here. Just go through it, okay?

One other thing, I like the way you write here. It's almost as if you're interacting with the reader. If anybody criticized your way of writing then that's just them because I find it quite easy to read as compared to stories with massive chunks of descriptions in them which make you space out while reading. You have a good start, an intro like this will probably make the reader want to know more. I do too. So just remember to read it once to correct the mistakes otherwise it's cool. :)




IamOne says...


lol thank you very much :) and i will do so



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Tue Apr 02, 2013 8:23 pm
methrirr123 wrote a review...



Methrirr is here, ready to review!

I like this piece as a prose, despite it's grammatical errors (which I tend to ignore anyway, since I'm a critic, not an editor). There are few problems I have with this piece, except for one line, one sentence that eats at my mind with a voracious persistence.

"I am the average kid."

This cannot possibly be true, since there is no average kid. Plus, you have all of these uniqueness that you've put into him, so much other stuff, that he cannot be average. It is horribly misleading.

Other than that, this kid is very sensitive, and soft, and kind of childlike. He's very sentimental as well, but the big thing is that he is openly so. Not many main characters that are like that.

Last "problem" I have with this chapter is it seems concluded pretty well. In other words, it's more of a monologue, not a chapter of a novel. I have no inclination to ask "what's next? I want to know!" Rather, I acknowledge this guy, and move on. This would make a fantastic monologue, and an okay short prose, but a chapter in a novel? Needs work.

Last thing I liked about this was your skills with first person writing. The voice is fantastic, I can tell a lot about the character just by the tone. Keep that up.

Overall, I give it a 8 out of ten, just because of the "average" thing, and the fact that this doesn't seem to fit as a chapter.

Hope this helped!

Methrirr123




IamOne says...


The "average" thing was put there on purpose lol. Thank you for the feed back



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Tue Apr 02, 2013 7:25 pm
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey Amon!

Shady here with a review, as requested. :D

We ditched school, went to church, then to the library, and trust me, it sounds a lot better than it does.
~ What sounds better than what?

I wore three shirts, a black hooded sweater, and dickies.
~Punctuate. It's a list, make it so.

Ok now, "why church?" Well, let me explain: it is the only place I actually feel comfortable in. Even though the church was empty, it was the only place I actually felt comfortable.
~ Prepositions are bad things to end sentences with. (Pun intended)

walk nor think strait.
~It's George Strait- you walk 'straight'

I decided to fool around a bit.
~ O.o

Men suffer in silence, and in silence, we die.
~ Well said. I like this a good bit.
~~
Alright!

Your grammar/spelling/punctuation is messed up; but your meaning was clear enough. This was a sweet little piece. I liked it.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




IamOne says...


lol thank you very much :) thanks for pointing out the mistakes also lol



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Tue Apr 02, 2013 7:21 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there. Since you messaged me, here I am.

Your ideas are wonderful. You have the beginnings of very good imagery here.

However, it is rough. It is salvageable, though.

I have a feeling that you're very used to writing essays. In an essay, you summarize. That's what this sentence does:

Today I had a great time with a friend, a very close friend. We ditched school, went to church, then to the library, and trust me, it sounds a lot better than it does.

I'm not quite sure what you're actually trying to do in this piece, to be honest, but I don't think that summarizing at the beginning is what you want to do here.

I like the tone of the piece; it's very conversational, and I would try to keep it that way if I were you. It's almost a monologue, like in a play. I wouldn't get rid of the feeling that you're talking to someone else here. However, don't get too conversational. I want the narrator to be intelligent and not a kid. Even though the narrator is a kid, I still want a profound sense of maturity to emerge from this kid's mind. Some of the wording shows the age of the speaker. "Filled with drama," "so many books most cliché or just flat out boring, ugh!" and the way that the narrator looks at the girl feel a little less mature than what I'm looking for.

The way the narrator looks at the girl feels rather two dimensional to me. It's like he's glorifying her, and if she's a symbol of something, that's okay, but it seems to me that she's an actual character and not a symbol, so make sure she has more of a presence in the piece. This reminded me of this quote from one of my favorite authors, John Green: "What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.”

Your grammar and spelling need work. I suggest getting someone you know to look at that, though. It's difficult to communicate corrections over the internet. Though you need to know that "allot" is actually "a lot." You make that mistake over and over, and it was easy enough to show you.

You have really good raw material here, and you should try to make connections. You connect the girl with the church a little bit, but I want more. It seems like she's really deeply rooted in religion, and since she's the actual focus of the piece, you need to illustrate her and her belief more.

Another tip: Know when to stop. The library bit feels tacked on. You could easily make the internal monologue he's having in the library be in the church.

I hope this was helpful. If you have any specific questions about this piece, feel free to message me again and I'll do my best to help you out. You've got potential. You just need to be polished now. =)




IamOne says...


well thank you for your honest opinion lol and well it isn't really a story its just how my day went about. I'm planning on this being the first chapter of many. Its stream of consciousness writing so basically how i generally feel, speak is defiantly going on here and because of my writing style it will always have that 'private journal' feel to it. I wasn't really trying to summarize much in the beginning just needed a start for the story. I know i need work i'm planning on digging deeper into this also i do write 'a lot' of essays lol
Thank you very much for the compliment :)



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Tue Apr 02, 2013 6:16 pm
Jonathan wrote a review...



Hello IamOne sense you asked me I will do I hope it helps. :D

it sounds a lot better than it does.
I think that this is wrong. ;)

Another thing I think that these kind of story's are better a pas tense.

And the depth of emotion is really really good I would say. :)

Nice work very nice work I really liked how you wrote this it was awesome. :)

Good work.

Keep writing and good luck.

~Jon~




IamOne says...


well heres the thing with that lol Why would anyone ditch school to go to church/library? people i believe in my opinion will think generally its stupid to do so or just flat out boring and so, im telling the reader "hey its a lot better than it seems" kind of thing you know?



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Tue Apr 02, 2013 6:11 pm
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BreBre says...



I love this story it has to be my fav so far:) Thanks for lettin me read it:)




IamOne says...


lol no problem and thank you



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Tue Apr 02, 2013 4:35 pm
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LanFan143 says...



I like the story. But remember the grammar? Your grammar is really off but you know so is mine. But really try to up your grammar and the names are kind of stereotypical in my opinion but great job anyways.




IamOne says...


I don't understand, how are the names 'stereotypical'?



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Tue Apr 02, 2013 2:12 am
Aley wrote a review...



Okay so I'm just going to do this real quick on the first few lines.

So where do I begin? Today, had a great time With a friend ... A very close friend. We ditched school went to church then to the library and trust me, it sounds allot better than it does. It was freezing cold outside I swear I nuts got sucked into my body.


This really sounds like a diary entry, not something I often read.

Problems: ... is an ellipsis which is used to omit text, it's not really supposed to be used for a pause. Also if you did omit things, or use it as a pause you're not starting a new sentence and like most punctuation, it needs to be tucked up against the butt of the last word.

"It sounds allot better than it does" doesn't really make any sense, and the sentence is too long already before that. The sentence has three parts to. Remember, sentences are supposed to be one complete thought. This particular part has two problems though. First does really needs a direct object to act on in this case so we know what It is. Otherwise it just kind of leaves us hanging. Also Allot is to gather things up, like allotting a total. A lot is typically what people use to say too much with the modern slang. In reality, the words really mean a square of land, or an item to be bid on, something physical like that, not something that means way too much. So aside from not understanding how it could sound better than it does, because it sounds how it sounds, there's no other way it could sound unless you're talking with an accent, you need to watch your filler words.

"I swear I nuts" is another error with word choice. I think you meant my nuts, but I'm not sure. Also, this should be in it's own sentence. It does have something to do with it being cold outside, but it is a new thought. It being cold outside is one thought, the result of that is a separate idea. You need some separation.

A sentence consists, at the basics, a subject and a predicate, or a verb. You can play around with multiple verbs and objects in the subject and predicates, but don't get too complicated or your reader will be left really confused. Take a look at where you can add periods, commas, colons, semi-colons, and hypes to add interest in your writing and make it sound more like dialogue.

Overall, practice rereading what you're writing out loud after a few days to see if you still have the right words. Good luck.

HAPPY POETRY WRITING MONTH!

Oh, I think this might be considered prose?




IamOne says...


Ok, lol. Thank you for taking your time.



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Tue Apr 02, 2013 2:04 am
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Squid wrote a review...



You can see the raw emotion, very well written. I prefer a more complex structure but this is just amazing. The grammar needs to be worked on but even just skimming through I think it's a wonderful piece. Needs more breakage in the paragraphs, in my opinion, but that could just be my personal preference. Over all a great piece. Keep writing.

Peace xx
~Ayden~~




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StoneHeart wrote a review...



Ohhhkay! First off! Mega wow! The emotion, the feeling, the wording, the way you put everything! It blew my mind! Beautiful! Amazing! No words can describe this. You can soooo feel how he loves her! This is a never seen better piece to me!

Grammar: Your grammar is pretty much without fault! Really, there are a couple spots were it needs touching up, but overall it's really pretty good! If you broke this one HUGE paragraph down, this story would read SOOOOOOO much easier. I highly advise doing so!

Spelling: This is your main weak spot! There are sadly more mistakes in it that I can point out! I'm a nit-picker only when I want to be, but even for a nit-picker this would be a lot of work (Seeing as I don't have a LOT of time right now I can't be one). But! Just go to a nit-picker (Rydia, LouisCypher, Snoink, Shino . . . .) and ask them to do an extensive review on your story! They'll do it I bet you!

Plot: Beautiful! I love the way you show how he loves her! The setting, just in something so normal, give it a perfect touch. The way that it's a short story makes it even better! Nothing more to say! Nothing can go wrong! There is utterly nothing to add here! This is your best point I believe!

Setting: This little, simple, normal day setting, with lots and lots of interior monologue and thought really gives this story the perfect touch it needs! Perfect work!

Overall! I wish there was something I could do for you to show you how much I appreciate this! It's probably just me, and this is not that great at all! But to me . . .

Keep it up! Really, do!

~Black~




IamOne says...


Lol yes I know my spelling sucks... When I showed this to my English teacher she offered help on that and well some grammar issues. I'll ask her to help me out as soon as possible I guess then I'll post it up



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Mon Apr 01, 2013 8:39 pm
Jonathan says...



I don't really have time for a review but just saying you need to make this paragraph smaller.

~Jon~ :D




IamOne says...


no help but ok



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Mon Apr 01, 2013 6:51 pm



And also, PM me if you have any questions. Let me know when you post the next chapter! Thanks. :)




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Mon Apr 01, 2013 6:48 pm
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EatSleepRead1120 wrote a review...



Hey, EatSleepRead here. WELCOME TO YWS. And whatever you do, don't ever click that tab at the top that says, "Do not click me! You will regret it" because you will. It's an April Fools joke on YWS members. DON'T CLICK THE TAB.

Anyways, let's start out with me saying I'm just trying to help you, and I don't want to seem harsh in this review. I'm trying to help you.

First: paragraph.
---This whole chapter is one whole paragraph. It makes me lose my place in reading after a while. When you start a whole new thought, you start a whole new paragraph.

Second: "allot".
---You use "allot" in this story quite often. It's actually supposed to be "a lot".

Third: Commas and periods.
---You use commas where they don't need to be, and you don't use periods where they need to be. I suggest you reread this and fix all of the places you need to take out the commas and put in periods. Maybe if you read this out loud and think about how the sentences are supposed to sound, it'll help.

Fourth: Marilu.
---She sounds like a good person, but you kind of put in a LITTLE too much about her. You repeated some things about her that I already knew. Maybe instead of telling me how good of a person she is, you should show me by putting in some dialogue from her or flashbacks or something.

Fifth: Title.
---Titles in the English world always have to have their first letters capitalized. My teacher told me that it is better that way. I don't know why, but it's an English rule. So it's "The Beginning" instead of "The beginning".

There's a lot more, but I trust you will go back and reread it and fix everything you need to fix.

This story has a lot going for it, but a lot of things have to be fixed in order for the reader to enjoy it and feel for it. And trust me, you've got the voice and imagination. You just need to fix a lot of things, but don't worry. You'll get there. :)

Keep writing, please! It is a very interesting story!

Hope this helped!
~Renee




IamOne says...


thank you very much and i know it has allot of grammatical errors and well im not too big on paragraphs i just want to write the story and show people. also, this is part of the story, it was too big to fit.



IamOne says...


ok, now its the full chapter





Hey 'Renee'. Just a quick hint on reviews, you ought to really pay more attention to the general idea instead of details that small (Just a note - no hate!)

;)





Haha, sorry. ;)




You won't know the outcome of something unless you try it.
— manilla