Published May 23, 2013
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138,507 Literary Works • 672,145 Reviews
Hey there, Flamingo! I'm June,
For someone who claims to not do poetry, you did rather well here. You painted an image excellently, and you successfully conveyed the giddy humorousness of the moment, so two thumbs up for that. I feel quite delicate about picking apart any of your choices in wording and style because -- intentional or not (but I like to think everything in writing is intentional)-- they work so well. The ending, however,
I feel, changes the tone of the poem. You're describing a situation in the direct first and third person, which is excellent, because it keeps the exchange between you two and suggests an air of intimacy between the two parties. However, at the ending, you switch to second person, and it's no longer clear who the "you" you're referring to is, which makes the poem feel a little bit impersonal. I think it would serve you well to incorporate that as a feeling from either "I" or "him" to maintain consistency to the end.
Hope that helps some. Two thumbs up! I enjoyed it.
June
I just read it, and since I'm flabbergasted, must be good.
It's obvious that you don't endulg in poetry very often. Your poem made me laugh, but it left me a little skeptical about kisses. O_o What a twisted version of Underdog. I enjoyed this piece. Nice work.
Looking at your poem I can say that you don't write much poems!:-D:-D
Anyways are you aware of the way to write poems or is it just basic writers instinct to you??...either way this poem looks a bit mixed if you ask me but in a funny way...like some part of a passage...some poem...all were going somewhere but they collided and ended up squashed up toger..??....anyways did not mean to make fun of you..just stating how I feel about this in a non serious way..
Anyways..the way this poem is presented it will barely pass as a poem..not to worry though as only little modification would fix it..Let me point out the flaws however...
It is poorly punctuated like overly punctuated also you divided each line into two in a careless manner...also division of the poem into stanzas was not done properly...
Anyways I thought I sshould help you fix it a bit so I came up with something...
Theres something
About the way he kissed me..
Simply remind me of
A cute happy puppy.
It was an eager tongue..
So exciting and strong..
Like a baby Bernard
Jumping in glee to say hi.
He was cloaked
In a mario blanket
With one of those mushrooms..
And bomb-om and golden coins.
I could not help but
Think of a weird version
Of Underdog who forgot his cape
And had to borrow a child's blanket...
Because cape or no cape
He had to save the world..
And here he was kissing me
With his energetic spongey tongue..
Could'nt help but laugh at this..
I loved him so much that it hurts a bit.
Wha?why are you laughing?? He asks..
I am not I say breathlessly...
Yes you are!why are you laughing at me?
He sulks like a child
A giggle escapes my lips
I say nothing nothing...
I try to kiss him and
End up snickering..
We have a good laugh and
He smiles at me..
His dimples were darker
For some reason
I realized he was growing a beard..
I returned the smile..
We leaned in to kiss..
He had a plumber in his cape..
The tongue was still so present..
So very persistant..inviting...
The laugh really helped
To ease the feeling but
I feel I am about to burst
All over again.
Done done! This is just sort of a suggestion you are free to do it however you like..just wanted to be of some help..