ABRUPT MEMORIES
The night is quiet and still.
The stars are sleepy, though plain.
And the penetrating breeze, a chilling feel,
shooting through my vein.
And your name swirling still, in my brain.
Now, the night is quieter.
The stars are sleepier.
The cold colder,
And the breeze, relentless. Penetrating still
As abrupt memories swish all about, everywhere.
The time your kiss made my heart skipped a beat
I now shiver as I think of it.
You used to look me straight in the eye and say you love me
It replays still like in the movies, a favorite love scene.
As the love we shared, what I thought we had, still refusing to dim.
It's colder still and loneliness creeping in
I'm wondering, like I've been doing since. Why you have to be mean?
Why pleasures depart with you gone?
Why I, still in this starless cold night
Can't go on, still susceptible to abrupt memories of you?
IRONNSKY
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
This was beautiful, in a sense that it made me think quite a lot. I'm trying to read more poetry and branch out to other types of writing rather than solely novels. You're very talented and I look forward to reading a lot more of your work. Thanks for sharing!
hey, thanks
Time to review but keep in mind i dont know alot about poetry.
I really think this flows beautifully,it got me hooked right away.
Why you have to be mean?
That line read a little odd to me. Maby add a few words to make it sound clear. For example
Why do you feel the need to be mean?
but like i said i dont know much about poetry to really point out errors. Other then that i think this was a really good poem. I look forward to reading more from you.
Keep writing and above all have fun.
thanks alot
I never knew you were this good. I may not be a connoisseur of poetry but I know that your flow of emotions, use of descriptions, and rhyming is simply amazing. Hope you post more incredible pieces here
hey, thanks Abel for these encouraging words. It actually took me less than 30 minutes to compose it last night. I was in a way in an inspirational mood then.
Iron! Hey, it's my time to give you an awesome review! Well, it's not actually awesome, but I'll try my best.
Okay, so first, lemme say I'm very happy with the poem. It's simple, soothing and definitely a good read. But let's tackle the first two lines first. First (I love the word, sorry!), let's tackle the first line. It's a bit cliche, I'll admit. The night is usually depicted as quiet, but how about showing how quiet it is instead of just saying it is, right? On the second line, I think in both prose and poetry, 'though' is used to contradict things. I didn't see anything there to contradict. Sleepy and plain are different, but they're words that both describe being motionless, so they kinda don't contradict, poetic-wise.
This is a good progression rhythm-wise, but the big problem here is that we don't know why this happened. There must be a good reason why that happened, right? I mean, poems really don't concern the why's, but for the sake of a better flow and to create more sense, it would be better to clear up things.
The sense of this line is noble and I like it, its presentation, not much. It's a bit too straight or dry. You're talking about the love, the feeling, and yet I didn't feel it as you said that line. Why? Maybe because you need to expand more from just looking straight and saying love to showing the love. Make us feel it through words, my good friend. I know you can do it!
Okay, so the latter part of the line is a bit misleading. It, together with 'It's colder still' doesn't go well because the first part is a complete idea on its own, and the loneliness part is incompelete. Either separate the two parts, or rewrite.
Well, those are the things I could say about the style of your piece! I hope I helped, even just by a bit
Your pal,
Al
thanks AL, i love your criticism. It does highlights relevant issues.
Hiyo! I'm here, to try to give you a review.
"The night is quiet and still.
The stars are sleepy, though plain. "
I was captured! I love how these lines were wrote. They really pulled me in.
"Now, the night is quieter.
The stars are sleepier."
I'm was loving the way you made this flow, and similar to the first part. It runs smoothly.
The way you have put so much feeling into this poem, its just beautiful, and I enjoyed it very much.
The ending, it was fantastic. Don't let anyone tell you different. I can see you have a real gift for this. Use it well. And keep writing.
~Winter
Hey Winter, i don't even know what to say. You have made me feel so proud of myself. you're an inspiration and i appreciate your encouragement.
I'm gonna write more often because i enjoy doing so and most of all, i know there is some out there, who thinks i and talented and can do better. thanks again Winter