Young Writers Society

We’re sitting in his car, parked in an empty lot to look at the stars. The radio is turned off and I can only hear the breeze roll through the open windows. Whenever I needed a break from my life I would come here. Sometimes it was raining and there would be this puddle that would form and a wild cat would drink from it.

I named the cat Monks. He lives in the big, hollow tree behind the billboard on this lot. The billboard is faded and the paint is peeling. It used to be an ad for my favorite cereal. That’s what caught my eye about this place. It reminded me of my childhood. I didn't have a particularly bad childhood, but it wasn't great either. I would eat that cereal every single day. When I didn't eat it I had a bad day. So that cereal, for me represented happiness. Something I thought could be gained from cereal. If only it was that easy.

Now that I think about it. I was never really happy my entire life. The cereal made me think I was happy, but deep down I was suffering. I still suffer every single day and I have been my entire life. I can't remember a single moment of me being happy.

I glance over at him and the starlight reflects in his eyes. His mouth is in a smile, then he turns his head to look at me. When we lock eyes I turn my head and look out the passenger window.

I'm letting him into my safe place. I hope I don’t regret this. I never open up to anyone, anymore. This might be different, I hope.

“I've never seen the stars like this before,” Caleb says in awe. “This was a great way to spend a friday night, Marie.”

I look down at my hands. I'm fidgeting with my fingers that are shaking. I glance over at him and smile a little. Just a hint of a grin is on my face, but his fades away when he looks at me.

Maybe I could open up to him. I don't really know him. I don't see him in my life much, so maybe it will be okay. If I don't talk to him much, then he won't give me that pitying look.

“Marie, you okay?”

Do it. Do it. You’ve been waiting for so long to call for help. Do it now. This is your chance. You need help, you’re broken. You keep breaking yourself. You’re a bomb waiting to explode. Maybe he can help defuse you and stop your destructive ways.

Don't do it. He won't help. He’ll just judge you. He’ll tell you to just get over it like everyone else you asked for help, just say you’re “fine.” He’ll just let you destroy yourself. You’re far too broken for anyone to fix you. Just give up now. Explode and destroy yourself.

I let out a sigh and say, “No.” He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. “Don't ask what's wrong because I don't know. Can I just vent to you? But promise to not say anything about what I say right away, okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, totally. I'm listening.”

I look out at the night sky. Don't shut down now, not again. Just start talking and let it all out. This is not a time to say you’re fine. You’re not. Okay, fuck. Okay.

I don't look over at Caleb.

“So I talked to this guy for a few months. We talked and we clicked almost immediately, but I didn't start dating him right away because last time I did that I got fucked over. So I kept talking to him everyday and he told me that he was bipolar. I was okay with that and I could handle it because his depression matches mine, so I knew what it was like. Then he stopped talking to me for a bit, but I kept it up. I set myself up for destruction because I knew it wouldn't work out. Then we started dating and he would text me good morning and night every day, but then one day he stopped. We talked on the phone a few days after he stopped texting me and we seemed okay, but then a few hours later he texted me. He said he couldn't anymore. I wasn't enough for him. He had to focus on life, so he shut me out of it. I just can't fucking believe I fell for the same bullshit again. I saw it coming and I let it happen.”

I shoot a quick glance at him. He's looking out into the empty lot. He shows no expression on his face. I continue to stare out at the lot.

“Caleb, I remember the last day of school you asked me if I was okay and I said I guess. You keep prying and asking, but I just stayed quiet. That was a golden opportunity to ask for help, but I shut down.” I take a breath and I hear him shift to look at me. Tears silently roll down my face. “I did nothing. That wasn't the first time you questioned me like that. I remember you questioned my long sleeves, after I’d worn them under my uniform for three days. I just pushed you away and avoided your questions. I push everyone away, because I set myself up to fall apart. I can't keep doing this. I've already decided to end my life one day. I know I will end my life, on my own terms. I don't want to keep suffering anymore, but I don't know what to do.”

I turn my head and lock eyes with him. His face shows an expression I've never seen before. Empathy? Compassion?

“Caleb, this is me asking for help. Right here. Right now. I’m sorry for putting this on you, but I can't take hating myself anymore. My head is keeping me from doing the things I want to do. My thoughts make me doubt everything I do. I hate myself, every single bit of myself. I'm not a good person. I'm not good at anything. Hell, I can't even fucking talk to people if they don't talk to me first. There is so much wrong with me. My family loves my brother more than me and it's obvious I'm the family disappointment. My mom always finds something I did wrong. My dad always finds something to yell at me for. I just can't take this life anymore. Sleep is my only escape and that’s even tainted by my thoughts. My nightmares haunt me day and night. I can't escape myself.” I turn away from him and look at the stars through my blurry eyes. “I feel so alone. I know people, like you, are there for me, but my thoughts are so distorted it doesn't seem like you are.”

I take a breath and squeeze my eyes shut. I open them and look at the billboard.

“I've cried myself to sleep so much that now I don't even cry. I just lay there, looking at the wall, feeling broken and lost. I don't feel anything anymore. I'm just numb. My laugh and smile are fake. It’s a mask to cover up my suffering. People don't know how broken I really am inside. I always feel like I'm drowning, but can't die.”

I stop talking and I feel Caleb’s eyes on me. The only sound I can hear is his breathing next to me. I open the door and start walking away from the car. Tears still roll down my face. I pull up my hood and shove my hands in my pockets.

I walk away with my eyes trained on the ground.

I'm so pathetic. I can’t believe I just did that. Now he’ll never look at me the same way. I just showed him how weak I was. Why did I do that? I'm stupid and I looked like a fool for crying in front of him. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I hear the car door slam closed behind me and I hear his footsteps getting closer to me. He catches up and steps in front of me.

I keep my head down, but look at his face.

He closes the space between us and hugs me.

“I’ll help you Marie. I will. I care about you and I'll help you through this.”

I don't know if I believe that. So many people have told me that and then left.

I keep my hands in my pockets, but I rest my head on his chest and take a breath. I squeeze my eyes shut and I feel him gripping my jacket in a bunch. He lets me go and holds me at arms length. I look up at him and faintly give a smile.

Everytime I look at the stars I'll think of this moment. They way his eyes reflect the light, his hands gripping my arms as if he never wants to lose me. He grabs my hand and laces our fingers together and we walk back to the car in beautiful silence.

We sit in the car looking at the stars and listening to the breeze blow the leaves around and the few distant crickets. He reaches over and laces our fingers back together and gently squeezes my hand. I squeeze back.

Then the night goes black and I open my eyes, but I'm not looking at the stars with Caleb. I'm laying in bed staring at the wall. It was only a dream. No wonder I was able to say so much. It wasn't even real.

Why did I think I could do that in real life?