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Young Writers Society


12+

Camera Roll: chapter two

by IMK


Chapter Two

[int. hallway --> courtyard - night]

The floor felt like it was freezing the soles of his feet through his shoes, and every slightly open window felt like a hurricane blowing through the halls. In the silent corridor, his footsteps echoed like thunder in the night.

Although his heart beat fast, his strides were long and cautious, as if trying to stall time, as memories were flooding back to him of his time in the school. He was headed to the bus stop. That meant reaching the main road. Lavender stilled as he was nearing a turn, checking if anyone was there. When he was sure he was alone, he kept going. The fact that he was running away was looming over his head, and he was feeling the pressure. Lavender had no clue exactly how much time was passing while he snuck around- he was too focused on getting out to check.

He was nearing the door of the boarding house and slowed, checking if anyone was patrolling. He walked on, checking every time he reached another hallway. He kept going, and going, and going, and suddenly- it was there. The door. The door that would lead to his freedom.

Lavender inched closer, step by step, taking care not to make any noise, and at last- he reached it. He placed his palm on the cold wood.

[beat]

He took a deep breath. The chilly surface sent goosebumps up his arms and neck, and he grabbed the handle.

It seemed almost like the knob turned too easily, like it was too simple. All these worries disappeared the moment he stepped outside. The courtyard was large and open, gravel paths and clearings cutting through trees and grass.

The frigid wind blew through him and made him shiver, the night was eerie, no moon to be seen. This part of the country didn’t get much light pollution, though, and Lavender could see the entire Milky Way. He stood for a minute, basking in the starlight he rarely got to see outside of looking through his dorm room window. He almost felt delirious with euphoria, trying not to laugh lest it alert someone of his running away.

The smile on his face would have been contagious if anyone saw it. Lavender spun around in circles, arms stretched out, face to the sky, admiring the first stars of this journey. When he put his arms down, he calmed, but a soft grin still remained. A few more minutes, and he would be free.

He took the first step toward the gate, and the ear-to-ear smile returned, and along with it- that same feeling of deja-vu. He ignored it and kept walking, a spring in his step, kept from skipping only by a heavy duffel.

The air of freedom seemed to smell better than before, there was no stench of rules and enforced labour . Lavender felt as if a weight had been lifted from him as he went.

He was at the opposite end of a long courtyard, at the other end of which were the dormitory gates, locked by one of the groundskeepers each night at curfew. The school had a few groundskeepers, though only one was memorable; a pleasant old chap who didn’t care much for strict rules and probably let far too many things slide. Lavender’s gait sped up as he moved along the perimeter of the courtyard, keeping in the shadows so as to be out of view of the bedroom windows.

The courtyard was empty, the coast was clear, but his nonexistent plan was just that- nonexistent. Could he climb over the iron bars of the gate? He wasn’t quite skinny enough to slip his pelvis through them. Hitching his bag higher up on his shoulder, he took a deep breath and ran the last stretch of perimeter left between him and the gates. He had to make it out of the gates before he could make his escape into the outside world.

As he reached the gates, he slipped his duffel off to hang on the top of the gate when- eyes. Lavender was staring into the dark, and the dark was staring back.

“‘Ello, chap. You should put on a coat, it’s a bit nippy.” Well, apparently, the dark was British.

[end scene]


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Sat Jan 29, 2022 5:05 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello! Here to review!

'The floor felt like it was freezing the soles of his feet through his shoes, and every slightly open window felt like a hurricane blowing through the halls. In the silent corridor, his footsteps echoed like thunder in the night.' - we have three similes in a row here, try to break them up a bit or it just reels off like a list.

' Lavender had no clue exactly how much time was passing while he snuck around- he was too focused on getting out to check.

He was nearing the door of the boarding house and slowed, checking if anyone was patrolling. He walked on, checking every time he reached another hallway.' - a lot of repetition of check/checking. Try and change up the wording, eg. 'he scanned the hallway.'

'basking in the starlight he rarely got to see outside of looking through his dorm room window.' - bit of a clunky sentence.

'admiring the first stars of this journey.' - I like this.

I liked the ending, it would a good cliff hanger to get people to keep reading. And the final line was quite funny.

I'm unsure of why you have stage directions as this is written as prose?

Overall, good chapter, although I am confused why Lavender never planned on how he's get past the gate, surely he should have thought about that before escaping?




IMK says...


the stage directions a purely stylistic, as the story centres around film and filmmaking





Ah right that makes sense!



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Mon Dec 27, 2021 4:03 am
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I think I left a review on the first chapter of this a while ago, so forgive me if I comment on something I already commented on/forget some of the stuff from the first chapter. I do remember the main storyline of it, though, and I was excited to see a new chapter! I liked this new addition a lot. It's interesting to see Lavender carry out with his plans from the first chapter, and that ending was certainly exciting!

One thing I really enjoyed was just how isolated and simple the storyline of this chapter was. I think one issue I had with the previous chapter was that it was a little all over the place, especially for a first chapter, which can dissuade people from reading. I enjoyed the straightforward simplicity of this, and within that, you were really able to have your character moments shine through. The smile you described on Lavender's face was almost contagious through the text; I found myself smiling along as I read it. The continuous mentioning of how he was running away served to reinforce the fact within Lavender's mind as well, which was a neat bit of character stuff.

I did notice you didn't carry on the screenplay stuff from the last chapter. I'm not sure if it's because this one was shorter, but I think if you are going to keep it in, you should try and use it more frequently, since it's so unusual. Those are just my two cents, though.

Specifics

This part of the country didn’t get much light pollution, though, and Lavender could see the entire milky way.


Tiny thing: I think "milky way" should be capitalized.

“‘Ello, chap. You should put on a coat, it’s a bit nippy.” Well, apparantly, the dark was British.


Don't take my word on this, since I'm not British, but I feel like "chap" is a little old fashioned. To me, "mate" sounds more colloquial. Unless the person speaking is an older gentleman, I think "mate" would be better in this situation. The way I find it from my research, chap is more like "my boy" or "my guy," but mate is more "dude" or "bro."

Overall: nice work!! I really enjoyed this chapter, and I look forward to reading more! Until next time!!




IMK says...


hey! thank you for the review!

1- screen play stuff: so i couldn't find any moments in this chapter to stick in the screenplay stuff (although I really wanted to) but this is like- text with barely any revisions. I'm rereading it at the moment to check for the little things like that, so thanks for the mention!

2- Milky Way (fixed)

3- chap: this character *is* actually an older gentleman, and his role in the story is significant-ish. (its the aforementioned groundskeeper)

thanks for the review! hope to see you at the next chapter



IMK says...


basically i write the chapters first and then insert screenplay stuff so that its only in the necessary moments and i dotn obnoxiously over use it




Poetry comes alive to me through recitation.
— Natalie Merchant