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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi IAmOnlyMySelf and welcome to YWS! This is a great place to improve your writing.
First off, I commend you for sharing your work on here. That's not always easy. Secondly, I admire you for trying a different twist on the overdone "unrequited love" theme.
I assume the line breaks weren't intentional. I think that happens when people copy paste from Word and I wish I knew how to fix it.
I would suggest moving away from the rhyme scheme. Some of these seem really forced and it's limiting your word and image choice.
I do think the idea of calling the future is interesting, but it needs more expansion. How far in the future are you calling? Who are you talking to (your future self? This person? Someone else?) What other aspects of your life are important (job, children, location, etc.)?
You don't have to directly answer these questions, but using images will paint a more interesting picture. I'll try to show an example here:
Invisible lines connect me
to a New York loft
where artists play.
She answers the phone
as she paints memories
of our destiny.
"Is Joe Smith there?"
"No, I'm sorry," she sighs.
"You'll find him on Wall Street now."
Not perfect, but see how I reveal details of the story through word choice? I've given enough images that the reader can connect to it. This makes it more interesting than the common "girl falls in love with boy who doesn't feel the same way" story.
Overall, I think there's a cool concept here, but it's bogged down by a boring rhyme scheme. This could be very interesting if you play with it. Keep writing!
First, if it is a poem, then you need to break it in lines, not a whole paragraph. Another thing, just for the sake of rhyming, never put in words which only ridicule the subject.
ex :-
"Will be so nice and bright"
You did it, so it sounds in rhyme with the word right which is so not good.
"I wish it could show me with you."
How can a phone call to the future show you with some other person?
I'm really sorry to say but the whole poem was flat but I don't blame you, you're just a 12 yr old girl, I wasn't any good at 12..though I'm a guy and I wouldn't write such stuff..=P
I hope you will improve and learn the art. Keep up the good work!
I repeated a sentence.