The River

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This was a pretty sad story that you've got here but its also a strangely realistic one true to how things tend to play out in real life which makes it a pretty impactful little short story. On first glance it seems to be doing its job pretty darn well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The river roared with the ferocity of a lion. Two classmates, who had previously been unknown to each other (although Claire had a crush on George), stare at it; one full of fear, the other full of excitement.

Wow what a first paragraph. A ton of information packed into that one paragraph right there.

“Are you really gonna let Father Greg control your life?” George reassured.

“No, but-“Claire mumbled.

“Well, then, come on!” George yelled.

Well that sounds like the start of a series of very bad decisions but that of course means its very true to real life.

They both slowly crept up to the bank of the river; the water was splashing so heavily that they were already wet up to their knees.

“W-wait! W-what about sharks? What if there are sharks in the river?” Claire panicked.

surprisingly enough some sharks do appear in rivers...well learning things from places you don't expect to.

Truthfully, no one in their entire village knew why. But still, every year when the river was raging the strongest, teenagers would go out and cross it in order to be accepted by their peers. It had been going on forever, since the village was founded. Almost everyone and their grandparents had crossed the river, and the ones who didn’t always left the village, maybe even the state. And George did NOT want to be one of those people.

Well that seems like a very strange way to decide whether you get to stay in a village or not but this is fiction so I guess anything goes.

“Well, Ho-How ‘bout you j-just go on your own… you know, w-without m-me?” Claire stammered.

“No, Claire. You know the rules; we all go in groups of two. And you and I are going. Now.” George ordered.

Wait so...if only one person makes it, do both get banished or something. Otherwise that seems like a silly reason to follow that rule in this situation.

Then George snatched her hand and jumped into the river with her. Without warning her, George made a mad dash towards the other side, floundering about and waving his arms; he didn’t know how to swim. They had to swim for their lives as the waves crashed against them and tried to push them downstream; it seemed as if Mother Nature had a vendetta against them.

Slightly weird choice of words there when you say they don't know how to swim then you mention them swimming. I know what you're trying to say and that makes sense but with those two words close together in those totally different contexts just makes for a weird combination.

But finally, George threw himself onto the dirt and dug his fingers into the grass and mud. Without any concern for Claire, he threw himself and lay there on the ground, gasping like a fish. Claire was able to get her hand into the mud, but she knew she couldn’t stay there long.

Oh now he ditches her so that he can succeed. Why the sudden change in plans? Is that another rule?

Finally Claire decided she had had enough and she attempted to hoist herself up. But, as soon as she got her waist out of the water, the chunk of soil she was holding onto split off and sunk down. Claire lost her grip and the water whisked her down the river. At first she felt panicked; worried about how she was going to get back up, what was going to happen. She kept trying to grab a piece of the bank, but the rapids were too strong for her.

Ouch well George was being very mean...poor Claire.

Then, suddenly, a strange calm came over Claire. Maybe it was hypothermia from the water, maybe she was just crazy. She just let the waves move her down the river, and everything seemed to be lighter and more serene. Once she realized that she couldn’t possibly get out, she actually thought “this might be a good thing.” And as the water was rushing her towards to her final resting place, she didn’t think of what George would do (he would deny ever being with her) or what would happen to her toys (given to little sister). She knew that future generations would tell their children about her, that she would save other children from this crazy adolescent ritual. She was almost happy she would be the reason nobody crossed the river any more.

Well that was a very sad place to end it....drowning is one of the most painful ways to die...poor girl. Hopefully someone saves her and hopefully her wish did come true and that silly ritual was banned. A very sad story but it does capture how things tend to play out in real life. It takes tragedies for people to change.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this is a pretty well written story and I couldn't really find much wrong at all or dare I say nothing wrong. So yaa not much for me to say here, so I'll stop for now.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hiya, Hypknowsis!

You've got a pretty good idea here, the makings of a great story, but for me to really get into it, you're going to have to expand it quite a bit. Slow down the pace! Give the readers more of what the characters are thinking and feeling. We want more detail. We want the story to pull us in and hold us in suspense, waiting for what's going to happen next. So how can you do that? Here are a few examples:

• Explain more about George's dilemma with not being able to swim. Be a little bit more specific on how he flailed about, show us what he was thinking. Let us feel his fear, or... whatever. Truthfully, the reader doesn't know exactly what emotion George is feeling as he fights the river, and that's not good. How can we relate to him if we don't know how he feels?

• What is George doing on the bank when he sees Claire getting whisked into the river? Or maybe he doesn't see her, since he's still lying there, but he's at least going to hear her. Does he yell for her? Does he immediately feel guilty because he didn't help her? Does he try to come up with a way to save her? Anything? Tell us his side. In addition, what is Claire's physical reaction? You say she's terrified. Show us. Maybe she screams. Maybe she flails around and tries to swim back. Give us a little bit more depth.

• In that block of dialogue at the very beginning, give us a bit more thought between the sentences. You're writing in third person omniscient, meaning that we, as readers, need to check into both of their heads periodically. For example, what really makes Claire agree to going into the water (before the bit about the sharks?) How does the Father Greg statement affect her internally? Also, try expressing the fact that George is frustrated with Claire at the beginning of the conversation. That first spoken line can be heard in a reader's mind in so many different ways.

I know you can do these things, because when you [i]did[/] go into depth in this piece, it was eloquent and well-written. When you went into detail about how the characters were feeling, and how, specifically, they were acting, it was very good. Let's see some more of that.

One more thing. Cut the parentheses. All of them hold irrelevant information and they take away from the story. They sound almost like they're interrupting the storyline. In the first one, in the first line, you even contradict yourself. How can they not know each other if Claire had a crush on him? And find a different way to tell us what George would do when the others found him... maybe have Claire thinking it at some point.

Other than what I've stated above, this is really my only nitpick:

Once she realized that she couldn’t possibly get out, she actually thought “this might be a good thing.”

The part in quotation marks should really be italicized, since she's thinking it and not saying it.

I really do like your idea, and I think it would make an amazing story. I'd love to read this piece again if you decide to expand it.

~Ima