Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Ja’kath was born on Khenarthi's roost.
As a cub he learn the way of a assassin he loved using his dual blades. One morning on his way home from working in the field he saw his house burning his mother and brother dead , burned. Ja’kath ran away in the fields and cried until a stranger approached him and toked him along to raise him as his own son. A few years have passed Ja’kath became a master in using two swords his reflexes were remarkable than any of his own kin. Yu’uma the old Kha;jit who raised him gave him a note it had the name of two men who burned his home down leading to death of his mother and brother. Ja’kath tooked the note but was not sure what would he do with it , should he go and take the justice in his own hands by murdering the men? Or should he try to find out why they did it and later decide what is it he would do.
On the note It was the name of the place from where the two men came from , it was over the sea more precisely Grathwood , Elden Root. Elden root is the capital of Aldemeri dominion , it would be foolish if he would murder them in the capital without knowing who he is really dealing with.
So after a lot of thinking Ja’kath started packing up for the trip to Garthwood. Upon going to the deck and climbing aboard a ship his “Father” Yu’uma came as fast as he could giving him a soul gem. A artifact that could in this case enchant his blades with poison. Ja’kath nods and toked the gem climbing aboard and saying his goodbyes to the old man. On the ship nothing interesting happened as the trip to Grathwood was not that long it would take them less than a day to reach without any problems. As he reached the coast he climbed down paid the service of the men that transported him and continued on to Elden Root.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this sounds like a pretty cool little story here, its got a tiny bit issue towards the end but as far as first chapter's go, this is relatively solid here so far. More details on all that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well, interesting starting line there...not the most intriguing of ways to start, I will say, when you start with a dramatic one line paragraph, the thing mentioned is usually a tad bit more dramatic than that particular statement, so...you might wanna give a couple of thoughts towards that there.
Okay, well that sounds like a truly horrifying backstory for a person to have there, I certainly don't even want to imagine how that might feel, so his thoughts later there are certainly things that make sense for someone who went through that. Now, I do have two tiny nitpicks here. First of all, that one liner paragraph I mentioned earlier would I think be much better of just tagged on to the start of the first paragraph. And speaking of the start of the first paragraph, that just seems random there, it doesn't quite seem to really fit the rest of this paragraph and its telling us something that we learn anyway later in the paragraph so I think this is just probably a think you forgot to remove but at any rate, that line just doesn't seem to belong there.
Hmm, well, it looks like he's someone operating not based solely on revenge but also using some lessons he probably picked up in training as an assassin at least judging by the way he knows that doing anything in the capitol could be bad for him. Well, this certainly got quite interesting.
Okay, the pacing sped up a whooole lot there, perhaps a little too much there. I feel like just sort of doing a straight time skip something like this in the next part of this story is a better idea than just sort of giving a rushed account almost of getting to this destination. The soul gem thing is also quite interesting. I feel like the exposition tagged onto there was also a little too obvious there, you might wanna make that bit of information look a bit more natural to the flow of things.
But well, it is certainly an interesting point to end on.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty decent start here despite a couple of issues scattered here and there mostly at the very beginning and end. Once those get a little bit of ironing out, this could be quite an awesome start to a story, and the story premise itself sound really cool, and its one I would definitely read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there Husky, Hiareth here for a review. I'm aware that English isn't your native language so I'll take that into consideration as I review this.
So one of the major problems I noticed was punctuations, and this is not your fault considering that you're not very familiar with the English language. And to be honest, English isn't my first language either so I can understand the struggle even to this day I am uncertain of certain grammar aspects. However, you can take a look at this article here since you'll get a better understanding of how to use commas and full stops.
Ja'kath is certainly a very interesting, since this is a novel could you tell us a bit more about this Khenarthi place? Where it is? And is there a reason why it's mentioned? Is it special in anyway? So you say Ja'kath is a cub, but a cub usually refers to babies of lions. But assassin is referred to humans, so I'm a bit confused there and considering Ja'kath can handle dual blades I'm guessing that he has hands? There seems to be a lot of time-lapse in the first paragraph alone, which seems to be a pity because it contains a lot of information that could be expanded into something that is a lot more interesting.
What you've written here, because it's so short seems like a summary of whatever you're going to write instead of well, an actual chapter. I feel that an actual chapter would have more content and meat to it, something I can sink my teeth into. Right now, what you have here is a series of events interlaced with some information about those series of events. Take any of those paragraphs, you could turn them into several chapters. Tell us about Ja'kath's childhood, the death of his family. His training, who those man were and things like such. Describe Khenarthi to us, tell us how Ja'kath feels about his family apart from the fact that he wants revenge. Ja'kath himself as a character needs to be developed before you can advance further with this.
If you've got any questions, please don't hesitate to ask me.
-Hir
Hey! Care for a review? I understand that English isn't your first language, but I'm going to be a bit harsh and I hope that's okay. With any luck it will be helpful!
First, I'd like to say that this is an interesting premise. I'd like to read more about the world you've created and the characters you've come up with.
Ja’kath and his swords sound interesting, but you didn't do much to show who Ja’kath is as a person. Is he adventurous, bold, shy, talkative, or clever? You could show some of his actions around other people or when he's training with his swords to show his personality.
You say Ja’kath was led away from his home by a stranger, who I'm assuming is Yu'uma mentioned later in the story. You say Yu'uma became like a father to him, but didn't tell much about how. Supposedly he took care of him and trained him with his swords, but if the readers could see some details as to how they interact, they might better understand how Ja’kath felt about leaving. You also didn't mention why Yu'uma looked after Ja’kath. I don't know if that's supposed to be a secret to be discovered later in the story, or if Yu'uma was just kind, so some insight about that would be nice.
You didn't have too many grammatical errors in here. Your English is pretty good! One thing I should say about is that to have some of this broken into smaller paragraphs would be appreciated. It's difficult to read a huge text wall.
Aside from that, there are very few errors in grammar. I'll point out some of the one's I caught.
Spoiler
Since "assassin" begins with a vowel, the "a" should be changed to "an". Also, there should be a comma and possibly a conjunction (and) between "assassin" and "he loved".
"Toked" should be spelled "took". I don't know the reason for this, English is just a strange language.
In this sentence you switched to the present tense. You could get rid of the word "have" in the beginning altogether. Also, a comma and conjunction (and) should be used between "two swords" and "his reflexes".
This is a run-on sentence. You might want to break it up into smaller, more manageable sentences.
"On the note was the name of the place from where the two men came." (That last "from" is unnecessary.)
"It was over the sea, or more precisely, Grathwood, Elden Root." ("Or" is also a conjunction. Conjunctions are used to combine things that could be two separate sentences. Google can explain better than I can.)
Again, a run-on sentence. Where the comma is, it may be more appropriate to simply put a period.
This sentence needs some commas to break it up.
"As he reached the coast, he climbed down, paid the service of the men that transported him, and continued on to Elden Root."
As I said, this story has a very good concept behind it! It just needs some details and focus on the characters to spice it up. If you decide to continue the story, I'd love to keep reading. Good luck with your writing!
One last question; if English isn't your first language, then what is? I'd like to hear more about you as a person!
Hi.First of all I want to let you know that this is in no way a review just an opininon. That being said i felt like you have chosen an interesting subject but it kind of lacks the details and the backstory. I wish you my best for the following chapters.
Thanks , i will work on detailing it , this was just a test.
This is my first attempt of writing anything like this so please be gentle , also English is not my native language but i am working on it grammatically speaking.