Ok, so this is from my old account that ended up being a paine in the butt. I dunno what happened to it.
But here is the first version.
She was never interested in books, toys, or video tapes. She would sit in her room all day, being swallowed by her fluffy pink bedspread. She was silent. No one ever heard a peep coming from under her bedroom door.
Sarah, let's play. whispered the bear with one eye.
The little girl shook her head violently. She did not like playing with the bear.
No, of course you don't want to play with him! whispered the doll with the big yellow bow. You can play with me Sarah. The doll crawled onto the bed, sitting next to the pale little girl.
She pushed her away. The doll scared Sarah just as much as the bear did.
Colorful blocks fell out of their box, sliding and rolling across the hardwood floor. They climbed up onto her bed, slipping underneath her, stacking up, lifting the poor girl until she had to duck so she didn't hit the celing. The blocks did not speak though, that's impossible.
"Please, just stop!" The girl's cry was no louder than the whispers of her toys. Her mother heard though. She had been watching the whole thing.
The doll looked towards the door, which was cracked open, a face peeking through it.
The doll melted, her bow floating on top of a puddle of plastic and lace. The bear shrunk, until it was nothing but a speck of golden brown on the hardwood floor. The blocks fell apart, turning into nothing but a pile of colorful splinters. And the girl, Sarah, fell onto her bed, swallowed by a sea of pale pink, until she disappeared completely.
Screams of the mother filled the house, scaring the cats, the birds, but not the father. He was nowhere to be found.
The mother sat in a wheelchair, while Sarah braided her limp blond hair. She stared blankly out the window of the hospital, her husband rubbing her shoulders which her hospital gown hung loosely.
The father wore an eye patch, while Sarah, wore a big yellow bow.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I have to hand it to you, you really surprised me with this story. Just when I was sure about where it was heading, you changed the course completely by taking a totally different direction altogether. However, as confusing as this story was, I still enjoyed reading it.
I loved the confusion you intentionally created in the beginning. At first, I was very sure that all of this was happening in the child's head. Children often have a way of trying to imagine life where it isn't, especially in their toys and play things which are basically inanimate object. I thought this was a similar case where the child was imagining having conversation with the toys. Especially, when everything melted and dismembered itself in the end, I thought it was just the child's imagination making up a story that would justify why her mother doesn't believe her. But then she disappeared as well, and her mother screamed and I was confused.
Even if I accept that part, the ending only adds to my confusion. I did not understand the hospital scene. Are they all mentally disturbed? Or did they go through something tragic and we simply skipped it to reach the ending? I think its better if you clarify the ending. Otherwise, your readers will be disappointed if they go through the entire story and reach no conclusion only because the ending was too confusing.
Its interesting how she does not like toys and is yet surrounded by them. This is a really contradictory sentence.
There is a really major problem with the punctuation in the story. You have to provide adequate punctuation wherever it is necessary. Otherwise it gets really difficult to follow the text and understand who is speaking when. Here, for example you need to put quotation marks to signify that these are dialogues and not just a part of the main narration.
This was ominous, and I wonder about the significance of the father in the ending of the story.
Overall, this was a good first draft. It needs some work, but I liked the elements of horror you have used and the general creepy atmosphere you have created in the story.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Eep! Scary. That was really frightening. I won't be able to sleep for nights!
I don't have any technical issues to bring up, but I didn't quite understan the last bit.
Hopefully the other version won't be as scary.