Published September 12, 2007
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141,494 Literary Works • 674,529 Reviews
Mmm, do not worry, I only have 2 heads and 3 arms, only 1 of each bite
Well, since I have some time I will shred this to shreds as well, in a good and friendly way.
First part. It gave me the impression that she's kind of a...brat, of some sort. Like me me me time (though of course, it IS her birthday). The fourteen thing was kind of used too much. However your description is obviously very good, and the portrayal of a party with a lot of relatives along with all the annoyances, etc. is also very good.
A bit too abrupt on family sucks part, but, I can understand the contrast you were trying to get with the last sentence of the last paragraph, so it works.
Maybe you transitioned too fast; first it was her, then family sucks for one paragraph, then back to her again. Elaborate on family suckage, perhaps? Overall though I can really feel the annoyed teenage vibe on this one. It feels like just what a 14 year old would think (and haha, I happen to be one). Hope to read some more in the future, keep it up
I liked it!
Thank you.
But you don't mind if I proceed to rip it to shreds, do you? I thought not
First sentence: Take out the "and" before "my older brother Kaleb..."
Second sentence: Make the comma after "say" into either a semi-colon or a question mark.
This was a bit out of place... ok, they've got broken lamps and a missing TV remote, who cares? Elaborate a bit more; WHY do they have broken lamps and a missing TV remote? Is it because of the relatives or is their house chaotic anyway??
Why do they think she's turning twelve? Maybe add in that the ones who make this mistake are elderly? But even so, it doesn't seem likely that more that one would make the mistake...
A bit abrupt, don't you think?
I would change "noticed" to "saw" It goes better with the rest of the piece... in my opinion anyway.
Redundancy. Take out either the "after you open the presents" or "after you open the loot"
Because there was an ellipses (...) in the sentence precious, replace this one with a dash (--).
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There, that's it! The onslaught is over! Hehe.
It's pretty good! No spelling or grammar mistakes that I could spot. I don't feel particularly moved yet, but it's just the first chapter, an a short one too, so that's fine.
Hope this helped, PM me if you've got questions!
~Azila
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Note to other readers: COMMENT ON THIS!! She's a new(ish) user. You don't want her to think you're not friendly, do you? Think how sad you are when your stuff gets next to no critiques!!
I'm glad everyone likes it. *sigh*
I hate to be impatient, but I'm a bit disappointed that it's been 24 hours, and I haven't gotten any critiques/comments, and only twelve views.