Published November 1, 2009
Hi everyone! I just started a new story after a few months of writer's block and I think I might be a little rusty after not writing in a little while. This is the first few paragraphs of the first chapter of the story.
Cabalina felt the three pairs of eyes boring holes into her back. She couldn’t help but glance over to see the three girls giggling and whispering to one another as they glared at her from the other end of the hallway. She could feel the anger bubbling up insider of her like lava inside a volcano about to erupt. She snatched her textbooks and notebooks out of her locker and slammed it shut. Cabalina felt a hand on her shoulder, as she turned her head to see who the hand belonged to, she found herself swept off of her feet by a forceful shove and smashing into the cold, hard locker. Her books spilled all over the floor and she spilled with them, the hallways filling with laughter. She could feel her heart pounding and face flushing tomato red. Her eyes blurred with tears as she saw who had pushed her. The girls that she had seen before stood there, laughing. Her books were snatched up by a pretty, blonde girl who was the captain of the cheerleading team. “What’s wrong? Huh?” the girl sneered. “You want your books back?” Cabalina just sat there, a blank expression on her face. “Okay then, here you go.” She grinned. The next thing she knew, the girl tossed the books at her. They smashed into her stomach, forcing a cough up her throat. That wasn’t even what hurt the most.
The girls walked away laughing, pleased with themselves. Cabalina wanted to say something, but she kept her mouth shut. She never knew exactly why she never said anything, but she didn’t. She also didn’t know why they made fun of her. Why they tortured her like they did since the first day of school. There was no doubt that Cabalina was smart, pretty, and a good athlete. It didn’t make sense to her. She gathered her things and headed off to class tears blurring her vision as other students giggled and pointed at her. Nothing could have made her feel worse. A tear escaped from her eye and she quickly wiped it away before anyone could see it.
If only she could transfer schools, or move away, or just open her locker and hide in it forever. But she knew she couldn’t, as much as she wished she could. The only thing she could do was wait for the final bell. She could then escape to the barn and be with her only friends, her horses. They were the only ones who didn’t judge her, who respected her, and who didn’t talk about her or laugh at her for reasons she didn’t know.
Cabalina lived on a horse farm. Her mother was a horse breeder and trainer and Cabalina was an outstanding rider. They bred and trained some of the top show horses in the region, possibly in the country. Her own horse was a top notch Thoroughbred named Turbo. He could jump a five and a half foot fence effortlessly and was trained in level 3 dressage. At the end of the day, Cabalina would take him for a trail ride. Sometimes they would go bareback and even down to the beach and they would just gallop along the shore. But she thought that not even Turbo could cheer her up.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
Hi, hello there! This is Ina speaking. I am give a quick comment/review. Anyways, let's get into it.
This plot is very interesting. I always like plots that are related to teenage lives and school. For a person with a writer's block it is pretty good. But you got to fix a small bit of your grammar and spacing and the flow of the starting to the action to the ending. I think the first paragraph was too long maybe you should break it into small parts, plus it will make your readers understand it more.
I hope this helps! And I hope you continue writing too. Have a good morning, day, afternoon, or night.
Hello, here to review!
First off, you use 'she felt/she could feel' too much and it makes the voice sound passive. Instead of Cabalina felt the three pairs of eyes boring holes into her back' maybe try 'Their glares burned holes into Cabalina's back.'
'She could feel the anger bubbling up' - 'Anger churned within her, ready to bubble to the surface like a volcano about to erupt.' See how that puts the reader right into the moment and makes it more immersive?
'Cabalina felt a hand on her shoulder' - 'Someone grabbed her shoulder.'
Okay, overall review. I like how you've jumped straight into the action but I feel more needs to be explained for the reader to connect to the story and to Cabalina's situation. Does she know who her bullies are? It seems not considering she didn't name them but it says that they've bullied her since the first day of school, so surely she does know them? Why not name them?
And if she does know these girls, add some more information about them. At the moment they are faceless, nameless bullies and so don't really evoke anything. Is there one that is meaner than the others? Is there a leader?
And the fact that she doesn't know why they make fun of her also makes this a bit flat. There has to be a reason. And if they've been bullying her for a while, surely something started it?
Hope this all helps and good luck with your story!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh wow this is a really powerful start right here. Certainly mincing no words there as we dive straight into a very serious situation right there. Wow. I really love the way you manage to bring that to life here. Its a bit of a larger paragraph which is a bit problematic but besides that the way you introduce the girls, our protagonist and then go on to show that sudden shock as they end up attacking and cause all of that pain is really powerful there. It really ends up dragging your attention in right away and of course we end up invested in this protagonist too, all great things to the start of a story.
Hmm this is a decent depiction of the emotions involved there although I will say that perhaps including the whole pretty and smart thing in the middle seems a little random because it seems quite out of place with the rest of the story here. It sort of breaks the flow a little while the rest builds on the previous scene quite nicely. So removing that and perhaps integrating it elsewhere a little bit more smoothly would be a good idea.
Hmm this is an interesting end here again but that last bit I think goes a little too far off topic there. It starts out quite nicely with the whole situation with the horses and the source of comfort, that ties in well, but the last paragraph goes off an entirely different tangent there and I feel like that's perhaps a bit too far off from where this is. In that sense its not a great idea to toss it into the start here.
So while yeah overall this is a decent start here, and it does enough I think to get us to want to read more and et invested in this character but there's just a couple of tangents in here not letting the flow of things work as well as they should be working.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Let's take a different slant on this, shall we? This writing is very good, just polish and polish etc etc etc. But your writing falls into a niche I like to call "Teenage Girl Melodrama". After reading this short beginning I'd drop the story like its hot and run, run, run. We've all seen this situation so many times before that it has lost all artistic and entertainment value. Some people dig this stuff (like melodramatic teenage girls) but be aware you have a limited audience. Although its not a problem on this site, I think its important for writers to stray off the beaten path a little. Else wise, I find it hard to respect their writing.
'But wait,' you say, 'this story is totally original! Give it a chance!' Well, most readers like myself won't give this story a chance after this beginning even if afterwards was the most wonderful prose the pantheon ever laid their eyes on.
But, if you are smart, you should probably ignore me.
Also, last paragraph needs to go! Show, don't tell! And people don't randomly talk about their horse farms after being hazed. Just saying.
OMG! (can i even say that?) Buenvenidos! (did i spell that right?) ANYWAYSSS
its great that you're writing again! on to your story
It is a good START but it could use some....spicing up? Re read it, really evaluate your own writing style and see if it's missing anything. Really get into detail, with scenes like when she was pushed into the locker, do the basic 5- see, hear, taste, touch, smell- and the corporals from head to toe! they go hand in hand- what did her hair do when she was pushed?did she taste the anger in her? was she even angry? did her arms feel the cold metal of the lockers? there's no end! keep on writing, and welcome once again
Hi! Welcome to YWS! ^^ Just to let you know, YWS members like for you to do three reviews for each work you post. A "review" being about three lines long, saying what you liked and/or didn't like about the work. ^^ This post is your one "freebe." You won't get any notices for not reviewing before this post. Just get some reviews done soon, and you're fine.
Personally, I think the information here is a bit lackluster. You're giving us some good information, but there's no real hook to drag me through the story. I keep wondering "why should I care?" and you don't want that. ^^
A quick and easy way to change this is to go from "telling" to "showing." In this work, you're telling us that the girls are being mean before you show us that they are mean. Switch that around. Give us some nasty dialogue or the slam into her locker before you say she wants to hide in her locker and never come out. By showing us the nasty stuff first, unexplained, you'll grab our curiosity and make us want to find out what's going on.
Here is an article on beginnings you can check out. It goes into more detail about creating a good "hook" for a story.
Hope this helps. PM me if you need anything, and happy editing! ^^
~Rosey
Hi, welcome to YWS!
I think you’ve got a good story so far and a good introduction. I’m interested to see where this story will be going so good job! One thing I have to comment on is I think you mentioned Cabalina one too many times in each paragraph so it got quite repetitive. Mention her name once or twice in this chapter, the rest of the time there’s nothing wrong with saying “she” or “her”.
Another thing is your doing really well in portraying your character’s personality and emotions. You’re not overdoing it by listing but mentioning just enough information to keep your readers interested.
Anyway best of luck with the next chapters, keep going because you’re doing really well. Check out some of my work when you can
*coco
I think it's a good start. I love horses and I look forward to the rest of this story.
Sorry this review is so short.
Keep writing!