Bad News

Hello there, you, lucky chap, have got me to review for you!
The main impression I got from this piece was the infant-like speach, still grappling with the concept of death. I shall assume that was entirely on purpose, and keep all my criticisms with this in mind. I shall also take it line by line.
Line one, it is truly a perfect start here. Bearing in mind the length of the poem, this cut strait to the point with that air of innocence I mentioned earlier. This is definatly a reader's hook.
Line two, two points. Firstly, when using elipsis, it looks rather unproffesional to use more than three full stops. Stop at three. Secondly I would argue with the use of elipsises here anyway, or in the next line for that matter.
(missing line three)
Line four, I wasn't aware that eyes changed colour with death. Be that as it may. "Full of life," is cliche. "Burned with life," or "Danced with spirit" is less so.
Line five and six, fine.
Line seven Was one I particularly liked, it shows well a sort of spirit of infantile regret. Same goes for the next line.
Line nine, I don't know if this is reagonal, but the game I know is hide and seek. If you want to keep the same line length, write, "does this mean no more hide and seek?"
Now everything is fine and dandy until the last line. here however we have a punctuation problem. I think a simple comma after "God" should make it obvious to the reader that the child is talking to God and not simply blaspheming.
Overall I found this quite moving, (although it was slightly spoiled after reading a humourous short story with a similar theme) and I can see this would be a tough moment for parent and child. Overall 6.75 out of ten.
Yours in reviewing,
The Fiend.

[insert polite greeting]

This has potential to be a good poem, with the emotions currently flowing I guess you could actually make it good. Let me tell you what doesn't make it good.

Your poem lacks poetical devices I think, it was too plain. Try to convey you emotions in a way that makes the readers think. This way [I think. We're both are still amateur writers trying to learn something so bear with me] the readers could be more interested and the readers can actually somehow relate and feel what the writer is feeling. Like add metaphor, add imagery, add hyperbole maybe. Hide your meanings in riddles so people would be interested in seeking out the truth. But don't forget to give out hints so they could understand. Add anything that helps these emotions you're trying to convey reachable so we could feel what you're feeling.

I'm not an expert, I'm still struggling with stuff like these so let's help each other out. So keep writing and don't give up.

nycto out.

Hello! Retro here for a review!

First off i'll do some nitpicks then talk about what I liked, okay?

My first is just a bit of a suggestion. you've got the foundations for some really beautiful imagery here but it just seems a bit flat on the page. For example, "He didn't use to have blue eyes" okay so this is a really good base, but I feel as though it needs something more to it, maybe tell us what they were like before. Your eyes were so brown, like melting pots of warm chocolate but they've become diluted and blue and no longer feel warm. Okay that's obviously off the top of my head but I think you get the idea I mean. You could really make it pop a bit more with a little addition to them.

My other nitpicks - I'm not entirely sure what a quince is, but that could just be me. and that's it really!!

What I liked; Well I feel as though this is personal to you so I like how you conveyed that. I also like how this is more like a stream of conciousness because I think it really help convey the thoughts of the speaker of the poem. I also like how you use questions throughout as that is something that happenes when someone you love dies.

Nice job,
keep up the good work.
~Retro