Published April 15, 2010
From your apartment on the fifteenth floor,
you look downwards from a window high,
looking upon the city wide,
searching for a lover to hunt and find.
But all you find is a neon sign
glowing bright towards you in the east
and despite the beauty you see,
you know that love can never be.
Granted, the neon sign is far better
than any lover you’d want in life;
It wouldn’t make threats or hold up a knife,
it wouldn’t be afraid of the cloaked man's scythe.
It would guide you back to it
whenever you have lost your way.
There’s nothing bad that it would say,
it’d never be ill or injured, always okay.
It’d listen to everything
you want to ramble on about
or anything that makes you want to shout
or something that happened on your daily route
It’s warm and caring beyond belief,
and although it’s fragile, you won’t break it.
It won’t make you want to fight or hit.
It just wants to stay quiet and lit.
If only that neon sign was truly alive,
you’d take its hand and you’d walk far
atop the concrete, under the stars
not making any more emotional scars.
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I would put "even" inbetween "or" and "something".
-Cressy
Here. Have a dancing elephant
"Hunt and find" strikes me as a bit redundant. I would suggest cutting it down just to "find".
The rhyme scheme struck me as inconsistent and forced. The first two stanzas have very different rhyme patterns, but then the rest of the poem has a regular pattern. It's also obvious that you used words for the sake of their rhyme rather than because they were the right word to use. A good way of catching forced rhymes is to read your poem out loud; if something sounds off, it probably is.
I didn't think there was anything lacking in the transitions between stanzas; they all flowed smoothly idea-wise to me, though they seemed a bit rambly and unfocused, as Elinor already pointed out. I did like the comparison of the neon sign to love; that was pretty interesting.
Hi!
This felt like it was a little unfocused. In seven stanzas, I can't tell why you wanted to write this, or why the neon sign is synonymous with love, and why the narrator loves it. Is he mentally ill, or is it a love in a different way? Was he lost and did it save his life by leading him to a diner or someone's home. I think you need to decide what path you're going to take with this poem, and make it clear to the reader whether the love is literal or figurative.
PM me if you have questions!
-Elinor xo