Published September 29, 2007
Times Square is busy during the lunch rush. Everyone knows that, so why did I go through here to visit my target? I could have taken the ally ways to the fire escape on his apartment complex. But no i took this crowded busy and witness filled Hell-hole
You See i am a hitman. Trained to kill in any way possible, in whatever setting and under any circumstance . I was trained in an underground facility in Nevada; Monster Corp.
I felt my 9 mm Pistol through my jacket and I thought about how to kill this man. He had done something bad i Know but why i was killing him i Didn't All i do is slash and dash and get the cash.
As walked into the restroom of the apartment complex I did a little research.
This man was 42 years old and lived with no one except his dog. That will soon change.
I entered his room and saw him watching Television on a pea green chair. It was very old but comfortable.
I slipped out my fiber wire from my black jacket and creeped over to the chair.
"Where is the dog? Oh Shit where is the dog" I thought to myself
the dog was asleep somewhere in the apartment and i could hear him snore. i never knew dogs to snore. I slid the fiber wire over the old man's neck. he was asleep. I pulled on the wire with all of my might and slowly but surly i sucked the life out of him.
No more snoring.
I heard the claws of the dog pat on the wood tile and walk down the hallway and i got out my pistol. It walked over to me and started to lick my shoe. " I wont kill this." i thought out loud.
i beant over and got out my anesthetic and stabbed it into its neck. It resisted a little for a second but slowly fell down to the ground. It would be perfectly fine in a couple of hours.
I jumped out onto the fire escape and onto a trash can it tiped over and the contenets spilled out.
A golden watch fell out and landed near my feet. I picked it up slowly and looked at the bottom of it. It had a name engraved on it
George Brooker
That was the mans name who gave me the contract. But why was it in his trash. I did not have time to doodle around in the trash. After all i did just kill a guy.
END OF CONTRACT 1
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Canary word: Present
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,336 Reviews
Over all i think you did good but add more descriptions to this and its kind of confusing how you ask the reader so many questions. Try make his kill exciting or supenseful instead of just blah
I liked your story but you mispelled several words. You failed to uppercase several i's. Overrall this was a well written piece but it definetly needed some work. And why exactly is this in Sci-Fi? It's really not science-fiction.
"Dear old dog" isn't wrong but in my opinion it doesn't correspond with the story. At this point you are talking about the man to be assasinated. I don't think the hitman would have in mind that the dog was old. What you are writing is basically the hitman's thoughts. I would prefer "TV" be written in full; television.
If I'm not mistaken, the dialogue is for the hitman. It sounds more like a monologue because I doubt he will say that out loud when a silent assasination is about to take place. If so, put it in italics and ommit the quote marks ("). "Over the old man's neck" didn't sound right. Maybe I can't see how you can go over a neck. "Around" will sound better. "Surly" does exist but I'm quite positive you meant "surely".
I liked this bit. Makes me laugh out a sadistic laugh. (Muahahahahaha!!!)
I think claws would fit better than nails for the dog. The paw would pat, but not the claws. And claws can't walk down the hallway!! Put it like this, "I heard the claws of the dog click upon the wooden-tiled floor as it walked down the hallway." Don't join "I got out my pistol" in the same sentence. Separating it would be better.
For a hitman, it's surprising how he could make an accident by letting a trash can tip over. That would make one big noise. Assasins are quick, silent and slick. No accidents. No noise. But if not for that he wouldn't have found the watch, would he? Perhaps you could make him discover the watch in another way. Also, I think the "underside" of a watch would suit, not "bottom".
Overall the story flowed alright for me. But you must watch the spelling, particularly capitalization. Read your story a few times before posting it. It did leave a little but of suspense and mystery at the end but it might not be enough to keep the reader going. Errors in spelling and grammar distract the reader too much that they can't concentrate on the story. I think there were too many paragraphs and they were too short. There were many paragraphs that could be joined together into one. The setting was a bit unclear. Was it day or night? Give the hitman more character, too. At this point I get that he's the main character. What's his nature? Probably this will come in the next part. Looking forward to it! Good luck!
I think perhaps 'lunch hour rush' sounds better on the first sentence. After that you wrote, "why did I go through here". I couldn't really catch what you meant at first but after reading on I understood that the hitman had an alternative route to go through. Am I right?
The 2nd sentence sounded repetitive for "whatever" and "or". Try fixing it. The last sentence was too joined up and didn't sound right. Perhaps you could go like this, "I was trained in an underground facility in Nevada; Monster Corp." You already mentioned the hitman being trained there so I suggest the word "training" need not be repeated in "training facility".
Watch the tenses; "knew" not "know". I think "and" in the last sentence was repetitive, too.
I've never heard of screwing a silencer, so I'm not sure whether you're right there. The last sentence didn't start right. Maybe, start with "I had my knife ready".