Published October 4, 2007
"Rrrring"
"Hello?" I said surprised that someone had this number other than the agency.
"Aaron is dead!" My mother's voice was high-pitched, and tightly strung with emotion.
"Wha?.. how? When did this happen?" I said stuttering.
"He was shot in the head last night after he got in a fight.
"With who?" I asked anxously awaiting an answer
"Well, he was mugged by a gang, but he fought back" she said I could hear her tears pouring out of her eyes
The leader must have called this agency.
"Oh... I have to... Buisness."
I hung-up, sitting in my office cradling my head in my hands. I walked
outside. Who could have done this? Probably a hitman, but in times
square This agency is the only place to get the "service" out of all city.
Maybe it was one of us. After work I'll check the files.
After about three hours I asked Darcy for some files. She discreetly handed
me all of the files after I slipped her a twenty. I checked all of
the newer files. A man named Scott King Had a recent contract. His target
was a Mr. Aaron Pallow; my brother.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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141,328 Literary Works • 674,349 Reviews
Like all of your Break Neck stories Jake, you lacked sensory details. You also need to lenghthen your piece for a full effect. I hope you still continue this piece, but take your time with it.
You need to review more stuff than you post. Just a hint.
Comma after said.
Got = had
I'd have thought she'd be showing heaps more emotion that this. Her son's been shot.
Change this to something like, "Aaron's dead!" My mother's voice was high-pitched, and tightly strung with emotion..
That's the best I could come up with at the moment, but you get the picture, I hope.
Confusingly worded.
Switching tenses. If this is a thought, put it in itallics.
3 = three
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Details, man! WHY? HOW? WHAT? WHO?